Ever since the whole early January experience of putting up shelves, getting the IKEA table, ceiling fan, etc, I’ve been wanting to paint the walls. The walls in here are this yellowed beige colour, quite icky… I guess that’s what I get for moving into a room that was ‘vacant’ and repainted in my absence.
I’m painting the walls three different grays and black. A light gray for the ceiling, which will come much later since that’s such a pain in the ass, a slightly darker gray for above the chair rail stuff, a medium gray for below the chair rail, and then a mostly black gray for the trim/chair rail stuff. I guess I’m going to go get the slightly darker gray for the upper walls this morning… I’m going to paint the wall behind my door and then let it all dry just to be sure that I like it; plus the whole moving all the crap in the room isn’t exactly something I really want to do all at once, so I’m going to go wall by wall instead of painting the whole room in one day… yes, unconventional but it’s the slacker way.
*Sigh* Walmart has so much valentine’s day crap… I almost got Davey a card… I decided against it, I’ve done more than enough. I just miss him… I don’t know if I miss being in love period, or if I do miss him… but I don’t think I really have a way of figuring it out anytime soon. I did get DaVe something… That’s why I started looking at the stuff in the first place, not that you can get in or out of walmart without seeing it… I dunno, we’re not romantic in involvement, but there’s just something about the culture of valentine’s day… it’s one thing to be alone, that’s bad… but it’s another, errgh… I dunno, it’s probably pointless and I dunno, I’m angsty over the whole thing, because I guess it’s not important to him like it is to me… I’ll probably just end up stashing it somewhere, keeping it…
I’ve been tremendously bitchy to him and everyone lately, but I’m just incredibly unhappy… or I guess to be more accurate I could say that I’m just fed up with the way things are. Work has been hell lately, I haven’t seen DaVe for nearly two months (which I guess never was a problem, but things are just different now… ), and, well, I just feel like I have so much to do and I really don’t have the energy to do them. Of course lately there have been so many things shoved onto my platter that I haven’t anything to do with… any little problem with anything is instantly made my problem by whomever is having said problem. I’m really getting sick of it… I guess I’m not making it clear enough that I’m busy… I’m usually online all day, even if I’m not ‘available’ and generally have enough time to do whatever I feel like, but lately I’ve not even had much time to play the sims, which is really the only thing that is keeping me sane at the moment. Overall though I really do love DaVe… he’d sent me a note the other day, and I meant to talk to him about it, but just didn’t… I’m not sure why. I wrote about it privately for my own benefit, I guess that was enough for me, though I feel very similarly to how he does…
I know what I want, I guess I’ve always known… because I’ve tried it… with stephen, sadly that was the most successful in some ways… with Joel, but I refused him… I was so certain that I would have the life I’ve been wanting with davey… part of me says that someday I still may have it, but I find myself in this situation where if I wait I’ll ruin my life, if I go on I’ll ruin ‘our’ life… of course it’s ridiculous because he’s already ruined it in the most supreme way. So I think to myself, with some meloncholy, that someday… as we’ve almost been planning throughout our time knowing each other, that DaVe and I will have a life… together in some way… even if it’s not the pure actualization of everything wanted.
I dunno… that’s the key I guess, I just don’t know anymore. I find myself, while not exactly careless, much more liberal with money now. I think it’s a combination of my feelings regarding life in general and how quickly and unexpectedly it could end… wanting to live out to the fullest while I can… but that’s also in contrast with how I feel, because I don’t feel like I’m living at all… if I were truly living I should have the happiness I had before, shouldn’t I? The other aspect of being more liberal is just that I don’t have the plans for the future anymore like I did before. I was saving, so very much, for life with davey; I wanted to be able to provide for both of us in the way I never was able to while in Pittsburgh with stephen… trying to learn from my mistakes then, to not make them again.
I feel so much pressure though… the pressures of work… having lost so very many clients and consequently a large portion of my overall income. I need to rebuild, but I can’t just rush something like that… I’ve felt something that I hadn’t for a while… the crush of money and debt. While being in debt to my mom isn’t so much of a big deal, it’s the whole mental anxiety of it all. I so badly want to be able to take a decent vacation… I’ve not had one in so long… Having nothing to do at home and no person… it’s not the same, lol. Of course I have all this extra pressure here at home too, while not intentional, it’s just that I need to basically play both roles… filling in for all those things that my dad would have done… from simple things to exhausting things… just like being at the hospital so much when my brother david was in there… I had other things I’d rather be doing, but I needed to be there regardless.
Completely unrelated to the more indepth emotional sort of rambling… I think I have the computer situation figured out… Dali becomes a file server without monitor whenever I can replace the motherboard… I’m trying to work out a deal with my brother for him to take the “excess” computer parts (including monitor) in exchange for the new motherboard and ram. I’ll then, hopefully by late spring, be able to get a desktop mac, be that a highend imac or a powermac. The mac will be my ‘work’ computer and this HP will be my ‘home’ computer, if that makes sense… I’m handling switching back and forth between linux and windows alright… I still really hate windows for everything except for playing the sims… Windows XP is just so damned stupid the way it does everything, either that or I’m just completely spoiled. The funny thing is that windows people are always bitching about how ‘difficult’ linux is, fuck that… Windows XP is hard to configure! Everything is these moronic wizards and shit… took me forever to figure out how the hell I could manually assign an IP address; everything about XP confirms what I’ve been bitching about… taking all the craptastic things and making them even worse.
Oh well… I’m exhausted with life… I’ve been since around my birthday… I though things were bad enough then, but I held out… and instead of things getting better they ultimately became so much more horrible than I could have ever imagined… when I think about it all I get so very angry. I get angry with Davey, I get angry period.
