indiboi.com

I don’t think anyone wants to know the answer to that question, so I’ll just say that it involves eye hooks, carbiners, rings, and rope. It will likely never serve any purpose and I’ll likely take it down within days because I’ll give in to the fact that they will serve no purpose, but it’s something I did anyway.

My sunburn is peeling, in sheer spite of all the aloe and other skin conditioning oils that I’ve applied to it, oh well.

I’m torn between the prospect of confronting people personally versus their confrontation coming by reading the things I write about them on this journal… hence the large quantity of hidden entries. I guess it doesn’t matter if anyone other than me can read it, it only matters that I got the angst out of my system and onto this virtual paper.

I’m tired, it doesn’t seem as though I’ll be seeing Mike tonight either, another oh well. I’m just really disgruntled… I’ve done enough drinking over the past week though.

The power adapter for my ibook has been ghettoized, one of the power leds broke off and thus required some electrical tape assistance until I either can solder it appropriately into place or get a new one. The engineering of the power adapter is so fucking poor it’s ridiculous. I can honestly say that Apple designed it to break.

DaVe broke up with his boyfriend lastnight, but rather neglected to let me know that had happened… until I read it this morning somewhat surprised, but not overly so.

I didn’t realize it at first, but ever since installing Ximian’s Gnome 2, I haven’t been able to print properly. They’re running CUPS, which is supposed to be the great ‘new’ way of printing, of course the term new here is being used loosely. I haven’t ever been able to get Cups to work properly across several different linux distros and also several different printers. So I figured, fair enough, it still doesn’t work I’ll just go back to good ol’ reliable LPR, hahaha, WRONG! XD2 has borked LPR and also CUPS, so no matter what I seem to be able to do, it just won’t work. I’m completely frustrated. It seems that the only software I can print from anymore would be things that Ximian shipped directly, otherwise it gets all crazy, like printing 100 blank sheets of paper for something that if printed would only take 1/4 of a sheet.

I want him out of my bed. I can’t sleep with him in it, and I can’t sleep elsewhere in this house, I just came back from trying. Those benefits I was writing about just a few days ago seemed to have vanished, because everytime I put my arm around him he picks it up and pushes it away. Yesterday when he woke up he appologized for doing that saying his back was hurting and the added pressure made it worse; fair enough… but, I’m beginning to not see any benefit to being cramped on the bed… I’m just… angsty I guess. We were talking about it yesterday morning on the deck when we came back from Washington, that he’s kind of uncomfortable with the physical affection since his ex… whom I apparently missed being part of his life. I’m not going to stop doing certain things… at least not permanently… or maybe I do, it’s hard to say. I’m just reaching my breaking point I guess. Maybe it’s just the tension of being around each other so much… it always seems that about a week in, when he’s about to leave, I get a little anxious with him.

I don’t know what he’s going to do… I almost feel like I’ve gone out on a limb for him and he’s decided to saw it off, with this whole him living here thing. Most of the time it’s really good to be around him, but it seems like the more we define our relationship the more he sort of fails with his end of the bargain. Regardless though, over the past two nights he’s not been what I needed… and that is a problem.

Part of me is about to wake him up and kick him out of my bed, so that I can sleep… he can go sleep on my brother’s bed, since David (brother) has left for Illinois as of Saturday. It’s a big deal for me to be uncomfortable enough to grab my pillow and a blanket and leave the bed, which I did… about an hour ago.

I guess the bottom line is that I’m tired, uncomfortable, need some affection… and all of this is combining to make me disgruntled and not satisfied. I’m really hoping I get to see Mike today, but most importantly if I do see him, that whatever he wanted to talk about the other night is not going to impact his and my relationship, because if it would turn out that this isn’t going to work, I’m going to be very unhappy very quickly. I’d probably end up sending DaVe home earlier than the planned date of the 11th; because without the countering, I just don’t think it’ll work.

I’ll just view everything as my attempt at trying to make life work again, and I’ll probably just give up for a while, giving up perhaps too easily, but I got in over my head with too much too quickly. I need constant positive stimulus to keep from crashing out into depression. I suppose since September I’ve been in a functional depressive state. I kind of think I caused him to piss himself last weekend, when I blurted out that I hate myself, my life, and that I really regret not shooting myself back on my birthday. I keep waiting for life to get better, and I guess there are bits and pieces here and there that make life a little bit worthwhile, but overall, I’m still so incredibly unhappy with everything. I’m angry, angry about so many things.

I just want that life with Davey that I’d dreamed for so long about having. Though I really don’t ever want to love like that again. I suppose that’s why part of me thinks I should stop seeing Mike… even though he brings me tremendous happiness; the very fact that not seeing him — or rather — the potential idea of not seeing him, would make me so unhappy, that almost says to me that I already care too much. Part of me wants to be in a position where I don’t care either way if I see him again or not, but that just is not the way that I function.

So, yeah, I’m looking in the wrong places for the wrong things, or would that be the right things in the wrong places? I just don’t know… I just need a level of comfort and affection, but more importantly I need to receive affection, because I’m just constantly giving it anymore with so many people. For a while I thought that things were actually going to be okay around here without my dad… but, more and more I’m just getting stressed out over it, things can’t ever be the same, and I don’t think that the new normal is one that I can tolerate, but I feel trapped more and more each day.

I’m spiralling again, except for this time it’s just different than before.

I was going to make this private, but I’ve been doing far too much of that lately. I just need to relax; I’m regretting being uncomfortable now; I had my chance and I willingly gave it up, and the pisser of it is that I keep doing that. I’m not being selfish enough, I don’t know if I really can be either; five chances that I gave up… I’m just sick of it. I need to disregard feelings in others that aren’t on the surface, and not really care about the ramifications of actions when they’re mutually agreed upon, if the shit hits the proverbial fan, then so be it.

Oh yes, prior to the escapade to Wash, we stopped at the Municipal park at dusk, I finally posted some new photos of him to artlikepornstars which you can see here in gallery 18.

I remake memories when the original ones are unpleasant to remember. I think that’s one of the reasons reading some news about Davey almost two weeks ago was especially difficult, because those memories were being remade with someone else. DaVe makes me gloriously happy, but he’s not enough… and I learned a while back not to try to make him into all that I needed; even if on some level I think it would be perfect. I think perhaps some of the things I tell myself, they’re almost like a mantra, in hopes that I finally start believing in them… and for the most part I suppose it has worked.

There’s still this image that flows to mind though… falling into a pit filled with broken bones; that’s where my heart goes sometimes. I’m a very tactile person, words haven’t ever really been enough for me, not enough to express how I feel… and thus touch always seems to work better. There are times though, when I can’t be tactile; when I’m pushed away. I think those simple little actions are what hurts more than anything, because it’s instant and direct rejection. No matter how diligently that I try, I can’t ever really overcome that; perhaps it is just another part of why I find that one person cannot satisfy me in the way that one may another. I have some deep rooted jealousy.

The placebo can have side effects just as well as the real thing can… particuarly when the real thing is so close that you can literally taste it. Ultimately though, I really do love him and I know that he really does love me; it’s just there are things that we look at differently. He misses his boyfriend.. even if it seems as though every moment of it is full of loathsome drama from my point of view; and likewise, I suppose I miss mine, even though he’s not my boyfriend, but something lighter and less filling.

So here I am… so close to the things and people that are and will continue to make me happy, so once again I’m just a terrified little boy; I’m terrorized by the thought of all of it crumbling around me. I guess I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, even if they really know it might not be.

We went to Washington, DC lastnight, to Soho. I’ve taken two other people to Soho since I had left my fagtastic life down there years ago, neither really appreciated it, Lewis didn’t really care that he was there, and Davey, I don’t know… perhaps there was just too much tension between us to just relax. With DaVe it was really nice, beyond words really, I suppose that’s part of the beauty of being around someone that has at least some kind of understanding how certain places can mean so very much to someone, to me.

I also can’t really verbalize how much relief it is giving me to finally be able to discuss these things that have weighed so heavily upon me for the past six months or more. My body is even appreciating the new relaxed atmosphere, I haven’t had a muscle tension/stress headache since DaVe has been here — at least none that I can attribute stress as being the cause of.

I guess, in general the average happiness level is increased over standard now, but in no way are things yet to a level of perfection that I desire… they never really will be, we all do, well, at least I do, find things to continually improve, and thus there are always new things to complain about and wish were better.

So, perhaps it isn’t enough now, but will eventually be enough. The thing I worry about is the unwanted depression that always seems to soak in once DaVe leaves… I get so used to the companionship, and then it’s gone… which is another reason that I’m considering going back with him…. just for a few days. It sort of depends on a lot of things I guess… I really want to spend time with Mike though, I’m hoping that will happen tomorrow… if not tomorrow on Wednesday. I think DaVe is looking to go back ‘home’ on the 11th.

Yesterday was mostly spent asleep, and judging from the time it seems as though today will have been spent similarly. It is so gratifying in a way… to look over and see this beautiful boy on my bed, the feeling is so good that nothing else really matters most of the time.