indiboi.com

Well, I think the anti-stressing function of visiting DaVe has worn off. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and stressy today. My first instinct is just to keep sleeping, even though I have a few things that I could do and a few that I should do.

When I was out in Ohio, we went hiking through the Gorge Metro Park, there’s a rather interesting power generation facility/waterfall there… it was nice. I really did have a good time… I think now that I’ve grown aclimated to the culture the next time should be more readily enjoyable.

I rather miss being around him, though I still have unsettling feelings on a regular basis. I’ve realized over the past few months, starting back at the end of November, just how important to me he is, and in a way, that’s prompted me to put him ahead of anyone else — not counting my mother or brothers. I do get the feeling that I get backburnered when it comes to his boyfriend though…. not often, just sometimes, and I don’t know if it’s real or just my bias. I think it’s because I don’t trust anyone anymore… there’s always a little nagging in my mind somewhere that wants to take over… to scream that I need to get out of whatever it is, because no matter what happens I’m going to hurt. Sometimes I just get a nagging pain when I think about him and I still dont’ know how to get rid of it.

I think that’s why I usually prefer to be alone, because even though it hurts, it is nothing like the pain that happens when I’m not alone. A few months ago I felt the need to run… I almost did, but… then I’d be giving up something that is sometimes fulfilling. Scratch that… almost always fulfilling. I guess I just want “perfect happiness” versus ebb and flow.

That’s where my conflict always is… I tend to expect too much of everyone and thus I’m always dissapointed, because when I yield my happiness into the hands of someone else, it never is quite complete enough.

Maybe I just need someone to take care of me for a while… that’s pretty much what I usually do [take care of someone]. I think that’s another reason that it was so nice to have DaVe here… I wasn’t continually taking care of my mother and also trying to grasp with my own life… or maybe it was just the incessant drinking. It’s hard to describe and perhaps it’s just one of those things that really don’t need to be understood. I just know that life just seems better whenever he’s around.

I guess I just wish he’d be like one-stop shopping, lol… He isn’t, and won’t be… and I’m a lot closer to fully actualizing my acceptance of that than I used to be. I think that’s where the moving on idea also took hold, except just not completely.

So, I’m noticing a pattern, though it’s not so much a purposeful one. There’s love, love that is fulfilling and ocassionally painful, I prefer that, but it isn’t enough, because what I want in this life, now, it goes beyond love… at least beyond platonic. I’m feeling left behind… and that I’m getting older without really experiencing so many of the things that I really want to. There’s never really been anyone that swept me up and away from the rather stern and conservative ideas I’ve always felt… at least not completely enough. I guess that’s the key idea, nothing has ever really been enough… I can get so very close, but there’s always something. And then… there’s someone that I want to completely take me away, that I trust…. almost enough, and it never happens. Or… it does happen, and you realize that you were wrong the entire time, and after the fact none of it was worth it anyway; although, in a way it was, because something was still experienced.

I talked with Mike the other night and it seemed like he was trying to placate me, it was fairly close to being offensive. I still don’t know how I feel about him, and apart from the day of the psychotic boyfriend phone call, I’ve not given much more thought to it. I found it odd how originally, when we agreed not to see each other it didn’t really bother me, but maybe that was because DaVe was still here. Maybe it was the mentality that “well, I don’t need him anyway…” or maybe I was being honest when I said that being hurt was an accepted risk.. or that I’d not really opened up to the idea. Then when we reconciled and decided to see each other anyway, not taking into consideration the consequences… and in a way seeing him again was something that I had to begrudgingly agree to, because I didn’t want there to be a mess, I wanted that simple relationship… one that isn’t a capital “R” at all, just two people seeing each other and doing whatever felt right. Of course before that could even happen the phone call took its place and at that point I was hurt… and angry, I felt cheap.

I still have some sort of feelings for him, I guess they had been lingering ever since I met him years ago and were activated once we started seeing each other this time. I , again, begrudgingly agree to see him, with provisions, because now there is no simplicity, there’s complication. I found myself missing him… or at least missing the way he allowed me to feel, but something… something about him in particular that no one else that I can remember has… been. I’m not happy with the idea though, not because I don’t like him, but because I do — because I don’t want to be excited, because I no longer trust the situation or my instincts even. I’m back to expecting the worst, versus being hopeful, because being hopeful has only provided a way for my happiness to drift lower.

I’m going to get this right, I’m going to keep trying… and I accept that I’m going to fall on my face a few… many more times.

I’m back to not really caring about most things… I just don’t like it, again, more conflict. I’m trying to be flexible, to be able to compromise, and I really feel like I’m rambling.

Remembering how I felt last year on this day… and the days coming is unpleasant for me, it’s funny though… sadly, because in a way of thinking I have something so much better anyway… and I did before him, I just never realized it. I’m glad I do now.

The IAM Collection Soaps is a little page I made with the soap I’ve made over the past couple of months. Yay for me!

At this point I’d be happy to send out soap to people I know, but I would ask for some money to cover materials and shipping (Except for the three people I already promised to send stuff to.. oh, a long time ago). I really want to get a new and more accurate scale so that I can make lotions and other products more easily.

I noticed something yesterday that echoes a statement that DaVe had made to me back when he was staying here. He mentioned something to the effect that his day didn’t start properly if he didn’t talk to me in the morning, or at least something like that. So I was thinking yesterday morning, as time kept creeping by, wondering why I didn’t really feel very motivated, that I hadn’t had my ‘check in’ with DaVe that morning.

This brings me to the point that home doesn’t really feel as much like home now as it used to… when DaVe is here. I guess I’ve just gotten so used to waking up with him in the morning and basically planning our day together. In reality we’ve done that for sort of a while, but even more so lately it seems important to check in with each other.

He’s my family, the family that you build of friends, and part of my family, in the traditional sense. I might get upset with him, but that feeling only lasts for a short period of time.

I have some very fond memories of spending time with him, scattered throughout the years; there are always new ones being created, even if oddly, they don’t really seem to be very important at the time.

Yesterday, approximately six post meridian.

After travelling for several hours it was time for a potty break along with some coffee oriented refreshments. The travel centre/rest area on the PA turnpike had its bathrooms closed! Sign points to back of building… where there is a potty trailer! Yes, a tractor trailer like trailer filled with toilets! That was… disgusting, though not quite as disgusting as porta-potties.

Starbucks… their espresso machine was broken, which seems to be a rather conflicting sort of problem with a place that specializes in such products. To add further insanity, they also didn’t have any ICE and as such couldn’t make any cold beverages. They could only sell over-priced coffee and tea. So I ordered a chai, to which the bimbo said they couldn’t make. I point at the box of tazo chai and in disbelief say that you don’t need an espresso maker or ice to make Chai. It was the most degenerate chai I’ve ever had in my life — basically a cup of overly hot water and two tea bags thrown in, for four dollars. They could have at least added milk to it — even if it wasn’t steamed milk.

You know, if I weren’t a fairly socialized and generally normal sort of person, I’d probably hit up on the violence and thrown the cup of overly hot water on the girl. It wasn’t until about nine post meridian that it was actually cool enough to drink without scalding lips, tongue, and throat.

Back in the day of the Pentium II and crappy computers speakers the bitrates didn’t matter so much, 128 was considered more than adequate. These days though, with the advent of actual speaker making companies supplying the speakers and many people having their computers hooked to true stereo systems, the 128 bitrate just doesn’t cut it. 192 is where it’s at folks… the quality difference is easy noticed. I don’t notice much difference any higher than that though on my Klipsch THX speakers or the Pinnacle ones (the ones that rattle the entire house on low volume, hahaha).

I’m back from the Ohio adventure. The drive back was pleasant… a little sad, but I suppose that’s to be expected. I had plenty of time to… organize… my thoughts. I was incredibly depressed lastnight… the kind of depressed when you’re already unhappy for no real known reason and stuff just sort of piles up…. so I was really angry lastnight when I wrote some of the things I wrote… and not really directly angry at anyone in particular. So, the point of that is that I’ve removed it… stuck it over in my private and unpublished entries.

I was in so much culture shock over the weekend, it’s hilarious really. Whenever I don’t know people I become even more antisocial and snobbish than normal… I think it finally normalized this morning. I woke up just so much happier than I had been the night before. It doesn’t make any sense, but it really does reflect on my… err, need to continue with.. everything.

So yeah, I had my first vacation ever since starting the hosting company… the first (through third) night away from my house in that period of years… and I spent that time with someone amazing, my dear friend DaVe. The whole experience was surreal on so many levels…

Anyway, for anyone that had the misfortune of reading my entry prior to this one, prior to me getting rid of it… I put myself through this… because it’s difficult, because I know that it makes me a better person ultimately. I’d rather deal with the pain than push it aside. I drive myself very hard… perhaps too much so, but… I just don’t want to ultimately think back and know that I didn’t put my best effort into whatever it is.

Ultimately, I’m very glad that I finally went and spent some time up there with him… it just never really worked out before. I have a whole new and seemingly more complete perspective of… everything now. A little of the candy coating has worn off… I guess that’s sort of part of the culture shock experienced. There are a lot of things that I need to work on, that I’ve been working on, but so much has revealed itself this past weekend. I won’t lie, because I did have the urge to flee… more than once, actually, but… you know, it would be a disservice to everyone, including myself. …more of an attempt to be social and… provide a little slack in the standards that I set for people.