well… yesterday i got fired. my work, well former work is apparently a bunch of bizatches… …i’ve been working on the postcard i’ll be sending out to my indiboi’s and grrls. i’m excited.
i hate sex… i hate my life…. i hate the way i feel… i hate so much about everything… there’s always too much negative about anything good… i don’t want to live anymore.. only if i could have the courage to abandon those that i know need me… but i can’t… i love… and those people need my love… even if i don’t feel i’m loved… ………..i dunno what i need to do… i want to die… and that would be so easy. i don’t want to do that though… i need to get hospitalization for my depression, because the drugs aren’t working enough.. i’m a a danger to myself and i realize this.
i love my friend josh, he’s awesome. even though he may not be able to be here geographically for me, he’s there for me on the phone. i owe so much to him, he provides me with insight that i would not be able to see without him. i am so looking forward to meeting him in april and telling him how much i love him in person. he means so much to me and i just want him to know that. ::hugs:: to you josh.
i also love you dave, jon and ryan.. and for anyone who understands or tries to talk me out of suicide when it really feels like the best option. … i know it isn’t… and i couldn’t leave the earth intentionally… i esp couldn’t leave you dave… i love you too much, i need to be strong for you… i’m sorry to all for bringing you down….. i just can’t be strong all the time. life is too hard…. shadow of things past still affect me years laler… hopefully i will receive reprive soon.
phew… i’m back… after many miles of snow and ice… i’m dead tired. wonderful weekend though.
oh the relief… not that i really had too much concern to be worried… but i am happy to report that my hiv test was returned negative. i’m beat, been attempting to get ready for my trip tomorow/this weekend, and i found that procrastination is not a good friend to have.