paper journal from 6:55pm friday feb 23rd, 2001
right now i’m sitting in the motel… waiting to get in touch with adam. we didn’t get to talk yesterday to absolutely confirm and i was about an hour late. so hopefully he’ll check his answering machine and get ovr here pretty soon. it’s been forty five minutes or so already. oy oy oy . oh well… i’m here saefly and i know i’ll see him soon.
which i will, he has to dj a dance at his school tonight, oops, but we’re going for dinner. i sincerely hope he’ll be able to stay here tonight afterwards, i mean, i’d realy like for him to be able to stay both nights. i just think spending as much time as possible otgehter is good.
2pm feb 24th
same deal, lol, waiting for adam to call or stop by. w went to arbys lastnight and sort of a quick dinner. in the car when he dropped me off, it’s hard to even describe how it feels to be with him… there is this conneciton between the two of us… there is no doubt in regards to our love. he just phoned, we’ll be meeting around five p to do whatever. i am hoping of course he can sleep here tonight, will give us a lot more time to talk and otherwise be with each other. in general though just being here, laying down, watching tv, away from tfamily and computer… i’m feeling much better… the fact i could hug adam, put my arm around him, hold his hand, make him laugh too… i know now more than ever that i need to be always close, gepgraphically to him than i am now… pittsburgh will certainly help while he’s in indiana. i hope he stills goes to new york, as that is part of his dreams. i don’t want him to give up on all of his dreams now that amir can’t be a part of those dreams in the way he had hoped. i want to be as much of a help to him as i can, so that he can fulfil those dreams, help him make new dreams. whether i am simply a friend as i’ve been or things develop more so… that fact of the mater is that i love him deeply and will always. and as amir knew adam loved him unconditionally through his journals, i know that adam knows how deeply that i love him, he’d written it in the guestbook of my website.
i’m still haunted by the last conversation that amir and i had… it has to be a coincidence, or at least that is what i want to think… i guess to prevent me from thinking that he somehow knew. kind of basically what his patriarcial blessing was, in essense to unite people from what i udnerstand to be the two sides of the church, but then could perhaps part pof that have to do with me and adam too? there is an apperciable closeness that of course had always been there, but seems to be significantly more evident. i am sitting here in a hotel in indiana afterall. i sometimes cannot undertand the compulsion that drives me… one of the very few truly content times are when i’m with adam, seems at though it doesn’t matter where we go… i never really expected so long ago when we were first chatting that feelings would be so strong. it seems wsomewhat inappropriate to be wishing that someday he and i would be together as lovers in the light of amir’s death… i guess i just would like to somehow to to make him at least close to how i know amir would make him happy… part of me can’t believe that i would give up my life so that amir would live… i still feel that way, only because i love adam so much and i know how happy adam would be with him… so in my living i feel a voluntary obligation to adam to be part of his life more… of course i doubt that is something that will probably ever really happen… but you never know what will happen and the events of the past week have certainly prove that beyond doubt.
if anything though i think i feel better just getting away from my “cell” and also seeing adam it makes me feel good.
a little after five pm
it’s cute how he called and asked me what i was waring, hehe… i was going to tell him anyway, but he asked previous to my ability to mention it… i hope that perhaps i’ll be able to find answers to the question that amir had asked of him that amir wouldn’t answer. if i was someone he wanted to have sex or a relationship with… …i kind of know and i mostly thought the answer would be “i don’t know”.. …which might be a yes… or a no.
i think i kind of like this motel… it’s friendly.. a lil on the ghetto side in comparions though. but it has a closet and real bathroom, but the bed is only a full… but it works.