indiboi.com

i need to find some way to be able to give of myself, and yet still retain enough to keep myself going… perhaps not become as personally and intimately involved with people. i fear though that would limit my connection though… …but it’s just i have so much hurt within side of me, and it seems that the way i feel keeps getting more and more awful. it seems as though i’m being mislead a little too often… and i’m beginning to resent the people that i’m close to who have mislead me. in particular, i’d really just like to know what about me makes me so damned undesirable… it’s seriously starting to bother me. i really thought i’d found someone who was as close to my ideal as i could wish for… someone as much like me as i could expect to find. apparently even though he has his eyes on me, so to speak, it isn’t for the reasons that it had seemed. i mean, i’m not even usable as just a fuck it seems. though… … i do really want to have the whole deal… but all i seem to get is what most people can’t seem to find… which to some extent i’m greatful… but my relationships stop short of ever really becoming “relationships” hell i dated this one guy… i’ve known him for well over a year at this point… he’s probably the biggest slut i know, and never once did he have sex with me. …i just can’t explain it… …at this point i think i’d be willing to give up love just to be able to have some sexual fulfullment… …because the love i’m getting isn’t enough for me to want to bother. … i have these obligations, self imposed obligations, that i feel i need to fulfill in terms of providing love to others, and i know these people love me too, but the level of love is just so vastly different… and it hurts… …i’m sick of being the good friend, or the big brother like figure… i want someone i can be close to, and that i can make love to… …and i don’t want to feel as though i violated any bounderies if any sort of sexual activity takes place… which seems to always be the case… …i just can’t have any sort of normal relationship.. my relationship ability was destroyed when this guy disregarded my saying no… i’ve not had anything resembing the normal, or average relationship with a guy since then. only just recently i allowed someone to have intercourse with me… after years of not allowing it. it was such a change to finally be able to mentally and emotionally allow that to happen.

i won’t be heading to nyc this weekend… some things have changed. i’ll be heading instead to indiana to see my friend there, i’m greatful for the opportunity to spend time with him, i only wish that the occasion for visiting were of a more joyful inclination.

i now know that someone i love knows without doubt how much i care for him. pure and honest all encompassing love…

i only hope that someday i’ll experience something for myself of that i’ve been able to give to him.

so i’ve not been writing…
well, not really at least…
i’ve kind of been hoarding my feelings inside of me lately…
sunday morning a friend of mine died, the worst part of it is how another very close friend of mine is feeling, the two of them were very close, probably would have spent the rest of their life together… i feel so helpless, here in pennsylvania, so far away from him… i’ve been laying in my bed, holding on to my body pillow, i want to be there with him, holding him close to me… i so need to get out there to be with him, i am not sure yet how i’m going to be able to do it… he’s asked me to go up to nyc to the funeral for him, and i will be going, my dad is going to help me financially to get there, as you may know i’m more broke than broke.
i still really can’t express how i’m feeling… …i can’t stand the fact that my friend is hurting… and esp the fact that i can’t be there with him… i love him so much. :’-(

i can’t even describe how i’m feeling now…
…so much has happened….
i will try later today.