slouching
erm.. well i suppose it’s been a few days.
i’ve been busy with my company, linux, etc… not sure exactly, but i’ve been rather preoccupied…. ….i guess i’m also sort of procrastinating on writing perhaps, though, why i have no clue.
i’d opened this up earlier, but then just closed it, internet was going too slow… ….something my friend rob said reminded me of sort of slouching/laying on the bed at this sort of ghetto hotel with adam a few months back… when we were talking about amir dying… and me saying that without regard to anything else, that amir would always be in his heart, putting my hand on his chest… him saying that wasn’t where he wanted him…. …it’s so sad really, my eyes tear up just thinking about it still.
i’ve lost quite a lot over the last year… …it’s been just about exactly a year since i moved back from pittsburgh, left the only job i’ve ever really enjoyed, parted ways with this boy i’d been totally in love with, living with… lost more boys that i “didn’t date” than i can comprehend i suppose… …more so from realizing that it wasn’t what i thought it was… no real relationship was ever going to come of it… i’ve rather lost my hope over it all… more reconciled myself to the way things are now… just accepting it. i’m tired of fighting, had worked so hard… to now not have really any of what i started out with.
yeah, so i lost my cali boy… though rather a mutual thing, trying to lesson the impact by leaving first… it was still an earth shattering blow to me… uprooted basically my entire life… joel tried to get back with me, but i assume in retrospect it was just on some level of friendship where he would basically tease me… i found myself looking at him and wanting so much more… …i ended it… same night, totally wasted, jake and i spoke on the phone, rather bad impression i guess, but i drove up to meet him the next day… and i was just so infatuated from the first moment, and it truly seemed to be mutual… i was so happy being with him… someone in my arms sleeping, us falling asleep on the couch together, all cuddled up, walking the dog with his nephew, holding hands… it was great… ..but it came to him not wanting a “relationship” as if that wasn’t what we had… …..the two sort of mixed together, joel and i started seeing each other as friends again, though he of course was being blatantly jealous of anyone i woudl talk to who was also gay, and had some attraction with… cute, but annoying. jake/joel/jake’s boyfriend and i met one night for a movie… …it was kind of funny because joel and i were nearly drunk and then stoned, while they were sober… and of course when it came to the visibility of intimacy, it was me and jake all the way… it sort of felt like the “we need to get rid of the boyfriends” mentality… but… i’ve not seen him since then… since december… which leads me to dave… (i’m not counting lewis in here, dunno why, but i never really had deep feelings for him, he was just a plastic fuck, that i never fucked, lol… just a dumbass boy who is too attractive for his own good) hmm… though i suppose adam should be considered… but the heartbreak didn’t really come until much later… …though sad to say i guess, returning from indiana, dealing with having slept with him, him not even fucking remembering… …that was my last time of truly getting drunk… i drank everything i could get my hands on… vodka, apple pucker, rum, wine… cleaned out my whole stash… and yeah, i was drunk off my ass. >>> dave: i’d been talking to him for a few months, met him on the way from allentown to columbus to see thad… that was a moment… him walking out of his room, and seeing me… saying “omg, indi?!” and this hug… wow. makes me cry, lol… wow indeed, since i’ve not had a tear fall from my eyes in forever. i’d never loved anyone as much as him i don’t think… not to used loved as past tense, but it’s certainly different…. him being here, reminded me of being with my caliboy in a more positive way… i’d finally been able to, with him here on new years, finally get over my ex… and even though painfully sad, it was refreshing, waking up new basically, with someone who really does love me, even if it isn’t romanticly… … we’d had our ups and downs… finally we seem to be back in some condition where it feels alright, to me at least, and hopefully him.
but i guess that kind of brings me back to where i began… amazing how awful it feels… i mean, going from probably the most intense expression of platonic love i could think of… to absolute nothingness… and without any contact attempts from him whatsoever… cause i miss him, wish him well… but he’s totally mistreated me. …adam… …damn stupid boys… no wonder i’m practically asexual. i’ll probably die from confusion if anything ever actually is good after that.