indiboi.com

pale boys from texas are beautiful, well this one in particular more than most. I had this thought tonight, that I could ditch buying the new server, which I’ve been saving for the longest time for, basically almost a year now, and buying a plane ticket to texas. I really wish that was a viable option, davey is such a part of me, in a way, sort of like, his spirit is intertwined with mine on a sort of ethereal level. I deeply love him, even though circumstances preventing actual human interaction are in place, there’s somethign very different regarding my feelings toward him, it’s not lust, or anything fleeting, it feels so much more substantial, and I really hope that one day, even if we aren’t ever given the chance to really be together that we’ll be able to spend some time really getting to know each other, coffee, talking, holding him close to me, even if it never extends beyond friendship, that interaction would be worth more than anything else I can think of. I mean true worth of love and human companionship, the sorts of things that can never be really quantified in words sometimes. It feels like we pull apart, it’s hard to keep conversation, I’m not sure why, I feel more oblivious than ever, but I don’t want anything to be forced, just so he knows he can talk to me if he wants, that’s important. I very much hope that he can find someone locally to spend time with, someone who’ll really care about him, which I suppose sounds counter productive, considering I really want to be that person, but the reality is that I’m not local, and it would be a long time until I could possibly be… and that should in no way hinder his happiness. I don’t want to date anyone, but at this point in my life I know what I want, I’ve had my experiences in learning the kinds of people that don’t work with my personality. I just want him to find some happiness where he is now, because I really don’t want for me to be something he doesn’t think I am. There’s often a disparegment (sp) between online and offline, even when unintentional. I guess it’s because I find it hard to believe that someone would actually like me, that I think they won’t if they actually meet me. I guess a lot of people are like that though. Davey Kay is a beautiful person and I love him very much.

I remember that a certain california boy was afraid that I wasn’t going to like him, because “no one else does” and well, you know, he was such a bitch, and rather annoying at times, but I’d never before loved someone as much as him, still do, just don’t particularly want to ever have to deal with him again, lol. I really miss being around someone like I was with him, in the good times at least, it was very nice to have a glimpse of what “adult life” would actually be like in some cases. Sharing finances, taking him to work/picking him up from work. Meeting for lunch, etc, things that I’d never really experienced before, and I’m certain niether of us were ready for that sort of intensity, especially him being so much younger… and In a way though I know he loved me, it was more of a he “needed” me situation, and it came to be a point that he was with me not so much because he wanted to be but because he didn’t have any other choices that were better.

I sometimes wish that I would have stayed up in pittsburgh, but then I wouldn’t have had the experiences here, like meeting jake, and spending time with him… I have no idea what might have happened for my birthday, and though an awful experience in some viewpoints, it’s not so bad when I actually think about it. It got me treatment for my depression, got me back with joel for a while, led me to be with adam, and well… DaVe too.

It all works out in the end, and I guess that’s finally what I truly grasp, all the shitty things happen in such a way as to combine to be something good eventually, you just need to have the “faith” that they’ll actually turn out for the better, which is extremely difficult sometimes (as experienced by my meltdown in the spring and around my birthday). I really hope I never get to the meltdown point again though, but I think now that I truly understand myself better than ever before and I’m thankfull for that.

In spite of all the deeper thoughts I’m expressing here, I truly hope that the internet tech guy from comcast@home isn’t an idiot, he’s coming on the 24th, from 1-3pm or so. I really want my internet to work better! OTOH, I downloaded redhat 7.1 this morning, burnt onto cd now, so I think I might play with that for a while, since Mandrake is kind of getting on my nerves. Though running RedHat sort of makes me feel like I’m a linux sellout or something, since that’s the one people generally start with, because they can pick it up at bloody staples. Oh well, since the new server will be running RH7.1 it only makes sense to play with that same version here.

well, I’m now waiting for a tech to come out and check everything, bring a new modem, and possibly install a new drop from the tap for the cable line. Hopefully we’ll be able to get everything resolved… I’m quite sick of the constant disconnects/loss of sync, etc. Playing TFC or CS is nearly impossible, being disconnected every couple of minutes.

The DSL reports crew is very helpful though, they helped quite a bit.

hmm, well, at this point i don’t remember a lot of the details… but i was in some grouping of people with some sort of special trait… sort of like the Xmen, haha! Anyway, I could levitate. It reminded me a lot of the my private school’s gym. We were basically lined up like we’d be if we were waiting to go home on the bus. …seque, I was with this guy david i used to go to private school with, and ran into another group of people, amy, i was involved in some dance or something with her. David and i were discussing going to see starwars, since we were in paris, and “it would be cool to see starwars in paris” lol… but i think we were sidetracked by the girls and their pizza, and decided to get some of our own, we were in some sort of white/underground cafeteria sort of place at the time. …later on we were on a bus, which I’d not been on before, so I wasn’t sure if i was even on the right one. I thought we’d passed my stop, but i just stayed on as more and more people got off… the landscape outside was very different from what i remembered. Then the dream ended.

in the midst of my angst over cable internet, i went and randomly checked davey’s webcam portal… whoa… wasn’t expecting what i saw, lol. Quite a pleasant surprise, bit of hottie boy davey on the cam, instant horniness, and instant increased desire to fly to texas.

hmm, well.. i started off with one guy, turned into two, lol. ….for quite a long and vivid amount of time. yummmme. So, then, this other group of guys comes in… which i basically ignore, then finally a third set of two guys come in, which I then join, and the second of the third set, well, he was hung, lol. We were in my old bedroom, circa highschool, but it had two bunkbeds in it, lol, enough for 8 people, lol, apparently one person was missing? …Then someone was at the door, which I was told by I guess person number 8, and they were babbling about something, turns out that they really wanted to come in and use the bathroom, which I promptly told them no. then i wake up and cannot go back to that orgy-esque fun