you know… I’ve said it many times before, but it still grates against me like high grit sandpaper… I absolutely hate when people message me out of the blue simply to get advice or help with something wrong with their computers… I haven’t a problem at all helping out a friend of mine who regularly messages back and forth with me. Ergh… so you know, this guy really rather pissed me off tonight… i hardly ever talk to him, and you know, some people (him) never talk to you unless they need/want something… and erm… i just let him have it….well, not as much as I’d like to have… but, damnit, don’t ask the guy who does computer related work computer questions on a holiday. It’s my damned day off…. and ESPECIALLY don’t ask me questions about how to fix your computer after you’ve fucked it up with windows XP… after months of warnings and dire predictions that have only shown themselves to be true.
I think it’s time for a flood… by meaning, time to wash out all of the shallow end people from my life, because I’m getting to be just massively irritated by them, maybe they’re just uncountably bizzare people who haven’t developed any real social interaction “stops” that’ll tell them what the fuck their doing is just… too… STRANGE. I really don’t give a shit about your whiney gay bullshit… I’m about as gay as my desk; the only thing that makes me gay is that I love a guy… not any of the other ridiculous trappings that go along with it, supposedly.
That brings me up to the idea of the next event at Seryozha’s… I’m sort of… erm.. not too interested in going really. I mean… he spends all of this time (approx four hours total) hauling my ass to and from here and there… to mostly spend just about every second of it with his fag parade, like randy, chris, etc… and you know… it almost feels like he’s purposefully throwing me at Karen as some sort of… an offering or buffer against them. I don’t have a particular problem with it, because I like talking to Karen, but… damn. Maybe if I was seething alcohol out of every pore it would be a bit more bearable, but honestly I really have passed that whole period where drinking is the way of “solving” things, because it really isn’t. If you need to drink to deal with your friends then you know you have the wrong friends. Now… take the next bit with a grain of salt… lol:
I’m sitting/laying on my bed watching some of my .avi and .mpeg of QAF… and sort of thinking… ergh… Oh, yes, before I forget… I’ve realized that Lewis would say practically word for word the things from the series… like… more than fitting into character, it was so very strange. I know I’d discussed this before, but having not seen the series until just recently, I didn’t quite know the severity… but… holy shit, it’s bizzare. I’m glad I jumped that ship when I did.
So yeah, back to what I was originally going to say… I did feel like, a little while ago, having a bit of a bender of alcohol, I mean, really, I haven’t had anything to really drink myself for a long time… but in a way I still know better. I had a few beers (corona) the other night that I’d purchased the night before my birthday… but four beers isn’t enough to really get drunk from, even corona… In a way I’m sort of in this “life sucks, damnit” sort of mood I guess. I miss my real friends in pittsburgh, etc… watching QAF reminds me of that, just because they’ve magically placed it in PGH. I still wanted to see DaVe around my birthday… I know that is basically willingly lighting myself on fire after playing at the gas station, but… still… there’s something comfortable about him.
I guess I am a bit lacking in my direction now… I have direction with economics, and perhaps with my life in general, where I want to be, etc… I know if I don’t end up in Texas, being that in itself is somewhat more complex than anything else, I really do want to be back in pittsburgh. I keep thinking though by the time I get back to pittsburgh everything will have changed, and there really won’t be anything there for me like there used to be. I still think it was kind of a bad idea to ever really leave that place… though at the time I really did need to heal… I perhaps should have just handled the process a bit differently. It makes me want to reevaluate the ibook, texas visit a bit… because that money, if I ever even have it, would definitely be better used in getting me into a more positive enviroment. I’m still impressed with myself, developing my hosting company… and having my own webserver, etc…. funny thing is that most everyone in pittsburgh doesn’t even know about this stuff.
Jake has popped up a couple of times over the past week, typing out poetry of sorts… not sure what is up with that at all… part of me just wants to ask if he wants to shag… LOL… I guess I have unresolved issues with him… but… I’ve long attached myself to the reality that there won’t ever be anything there…. I need to permanently resolve that same sort of reality with Adam… but the problem there is that the emotional entanglement had always been so much stronger than most… and… well… I dunno, it’s hard to want to sever things, even though I did, quite a long time ago…. but it’s infuriating… extremely infuriating.
Something a bit funny, and sad, or… whatever else it might be. I was reading a bit of davey’s blog… and he mentions possibly being in love… and the first thing that comes into my mind… is… well… I’m wondering who it might be… Proves my point from the other morning… talking to seryozha’s friend mike… about how I just don’t feel that I’m good enough.
