I finished up June 2000, and worked up towards November of 2000. I’m still not sure if I’ll be putting anything else up other than just a brief history for pre 1999. My life really didn’t begin until 1999, realistically.
Ip renumbering on the server lastnight by the NOC was a disaster… I’m still steamed about it. They apparently have a bunch of idiots working there. My server was assigned the same IP as another… which of course doesn’t work very well. I definitely know that I’ll not get another server with that particular company.
Of course with all that stress it doesn’t help the fact that the government has decided to not allow importation of indonesian clove cigarettes…. the american versions suck so incredibly badly. …hopefully I’ll be able to find something decent to smoke later.
I have nothing to talk to anybody about.. ironic… I’d been wanting to talk to someone… now that I can… I don’t really feel like it… or have nothing to say… or something. I think I want to just crawl up into a ball and sleep.
when I finish this glass of tequila and orange juice I’ll have had 12 ounces of tequila. Yes…. I’ve kept track, measuring every one.
I think back to new years 2000… 31st of december 1999… drinking so much that I couldn’t function anymore… being online, drunk, watching my caliboy on netmeeting…. not realizing what would happne a few short months in the future.
I think back… and want to be back where I was in melanie’s house… in january… with joel on top of me biting my neck…
I think back… wanting to be back at melanie’s when I lived there… to see my caliboy next to me… there were some moments, during that experience that were life changing. Not the first time I knew what love was… but there was something special about it… so different from what I’d originally thought… a real indication of the for better or worse sort of saying in marriage…. I miss those times.
…and I think… why do I feel so much towards a specific person again?
Judging from any sort of past experience… I should know better… I do know better. I shouldn’t care about someone I’ve never met… because it never will work… …i want it to… but there’s a part of me that knows something else.. something deep inside… telling me to not be in love… something that tells me that being in love… even briefly means months or longer of being hurt… hurt so badly that you practically shutdown. regardless though…. i love this guy… so much… nearly every thought of being with someone brings him to mind…
right now… I just imagine laying next to him… our arms around each other… i want to tell him how much I love him… …and I want to show him how much I love him… I want to close my eyes… for a moment… and look behind me …on the bed and see him waiting for me… awake or asleep…. sleeping beautifully. Reminds me of DaVe though, in a way…. a little over a year ago… for new years… turning into 2001… i remember telling joel for new years 2000… that we’d not be together for 2001, the real millenium… of course it actually, for once, turns out that I was wrong… I actually did still talk to him… and in a way I miss him right now… he had this sort of dumb way of making me happy… i don’t know why or how… but there was something about him.
It also cracked me up last year for new years how DaVe and he seemed to fight each other… granted it was for shotgun… but still… i dunno…
I feel bad for DaVe… I don’t like the fact that he’s whoring himself about so much…. it worries me… I don’t want anything bad to happen to him… but… I know, so surely, that something bad will happen… and I really do care for him… I know that he doesn’t think of me how I used to think of him… and in a way…if he weren’t such a whore… I could be in love with him still… but… there are so many things… that I just can’t deal with… or that I don’t want to deal with. None the less though… I still would like one brief moment with him… …to repeat the past…
and that makes me think of jake too… there was this one night… when we fell asleep on this couch together.. when he was saying that he knew better… that he should be with me… …but… after that it never really happened… it was sort of like… some sort of moment… where the world stopped… and there was so much love… it ended consciousness.
I can barely type… but… so badly… I just wish someone was there…here… with me… I want to be able to stumble over to my bed… have someone wrap their arms around me… to love me… I’d do just about anything…
…I wish it were davey… ….but it wouldn’t need to be… ….i dunno… my whole body is numb…
Somehow though…. I know that I’ll be alone… I know that everyday… everynight… regardless of how much I hope that caliboy’s body pillow is a real person… that I’ll wake up.. and realize that I’m alone… relatively a failure… in my parent’s house… alone…
…that… it’s almost like a fantasy the time I had in Pittburgh… it’s so far from the normal in my life I can hardly tell that it was the reality that I used to live within… I think that my time in pittsburgh was a dream…
…but I have hard documentation that it really existed… I have this boy’s handwriting within my dayplanner… writing out his schedule at the pharmacy… …I wish I could pretend it never happened… …I wish I could forget about the people I’ve loved in the past… and still love… but never talk to or even know how they’re doing.
I wish adam would see me online some night and talk to me…. because I don’t have the courage to message him… regardless of how drunk I am… and I’m definitely quite intoxicated at this moment. I think I miss him the most… …this boy… I thought he was perfect… I’d given him something that I refused to give to anyone else… and though he probably didn’t realize it… I feel cheated…
The irony… writing about a december morning… his arms pulling mine closer…
18 hotel
Minutes escape into the morning
December light pries through the curtain
And falls gently onto our bodies
A tug on my hand and I move closer
Arm lying across his torso,
Entwined with his
Lips resting against his shoulder blade
Our bodies blur to one
And the room fades out of consciousness
I wrote that on 14th february 2000… about december of 1999…
little did I know that in december 2000 I would be in the same situation… …but it actually going much much farther than originally… …I close my eyes…. and I want to be back… that morning… the light shining brightly through the curtains.. off the snow… laying next to this beautiful boy… … waking up and making love to him again… ….being in the car… about to leave… vowing that I’d never spend that long again apart from him… …it was the best period of time away from home that I could imagine…
over my shoulder and see an empty bed….
… and I know… that I’ll be alone another night.
heh, good thing I went and got orange juice… …to add tequila to, lol
okay, so i’m buying this orange juice… and it’s 2 for the price of one when you use their stupid little card that tracks all of your purchases… you know… they’re buying your marketing data for the price of a second orange juice carton…
the FIRST thing I do is hand her the little card to scan it..
then she scans the orange juice… ….and says “MVP” which is the card name… …and I say “yeah, two for one” then she says ” i need your card” …and I look at her like she’s from pluto…
and I hold up the card…. and point at it…
kind of like… omg… someone smack her
granted, I know that like 1am or whatever it was isn’t a fun time to work at a grocery store.. but still
makes me want to get up and move away tomorrow, lol
kinda like… damnit, i don’t care if the orange juice is twice the price in the city… the people remember what happened 30 seconds beforehand.
so… I’ve been thinking a little… and… if I wait another month or so I can get a powerbook instead of an ibook, which would be infinitely better of course. The bragging rights to having a titanium powerbook are expotentially better than having an ibook, lol. ;) It’s about 800 more though than what I’d really planned on spending for an apple product, or realistically any computer for that matter. Then I started looking, cnet’s price thing… and I can get the middle range powerbook for basically the price of the lower end powerbook… w00t…. of course the model numbers are slightly different though the specs are the same… which is a little troubling though…. i think the big difference is the lack of airport card at some of these particular retailers. I’ll definitely need to do a lot of research over the next month or so. I’m very much looking forward to getting either the ibook or a powerbook, but I really think I’ll be happier with the powerbook, it’s basically a fully fledged computer in a 1 inch high portable format! So we’ll see… I’ll just wait longer… and… well… I’ll get one or the other eventually… and perhaps just go totally insane in the process.