Everyday I get a little astrology.com email with my horoscope, sometimes they’re more interesting than others… but today’s, hmm, just sort of struck me as interesting enough to mention.
Anyone who remembers you for your dark side probably won’t recognize you now. Your halo shines by the moral light of the Sagittarius Moon. You know what you want, and you get what you deserve.
well, I tried my hand at encoding Memento into divx… MUCH better, actually, it’s rather pristine. I think that once I finish up with this I’ll have to re-encode AI again, just because I’m such a perfectionist, lol, and since I know that I can get this level of quality, I need to redo AI, as I thought it was decent quality, but it’s nothing like this.
A little update… AI’s a bit too big to fit onto both cds, even though I did calculate it out, oh well. I’m all done ;)
Been thinking over a couple of things… was looking at plane ticket prices again for davey’s visit in august, they’re about $275 right now, which I still don’t think is too bad, and it’s down slightly from last month (or was it the month before?), which is good. I still wish he could visit for a little longer, but three days/two nights will still be good. I figure, fly into BWI, get some lunch… spend some time in DC, visit the National Gallery, etc… then have an elegant dinner before coming up here.
I’ve also been looking at apartments again in PGH… can get some very nice ones in the 900 dollar per month range… My brother david also mentioned something about us getting a place together… so two bedroom’s in the 900 dollar range… they’re about the same, really, not much extra for a second bedroom, so it’s almost silly to only have one anyway, lol. I mentioned the possibility of davey moving in, that doesn’t seem to be an issue… though it’d be funny… davey and my brother david… lol.
That brings up davey and college of course… I’m determined to help him if he lets me… mostly just making sure he has a place to live and all that, but no real limit set though. That’s not really something that can be set at all firmly this early though, but it’s out there as an option.
I’m lovesick tonight though, lol… it’s one of those nights where I really want to be all cuddly with him, which honestly is most of the time, but it’s a bit stronger… like heavy-hearted desire. I’d brought up him being with that one guy a while back again tonight, not really intentionally, but I really needed to know something… just get a more clear picture. It’s… I dunno… it’s hard to describe how I feel about it… it’s like heartache, but not in the sense that I feel like davey’s hurt me, at least not anymore… it’s just, I guess, raw jealousy (which is bad I guess) of that guy… because he’s been able to do things that I want to do… of course, I remember davey saying on his site how he can’t wait to do that with me… so, blah, I don’t know how to express how I feel about this really. I just should just say that I really want to be with him (duh, as if I don’t say that all the damned time). I’ve talked about this in length already anyway… I just suppose it’s like… month plus later how do I feel about it now? It still hurts, but not in the same ways as it did originally. Lol, this is so like me though I guess, to bring something back up and dwell on it again… but like I said, I was puzzled about something… and I had questions that I wanted to ask and I’m glad he answered them for me. I’ll also say that I hold no ill-will about it, really, and that I love him.
I suppose I have a certain level of hypocrisy there though, lol… because I did mostly the same thing after I found out… kind of out of some stupid retaliation sort of feeling, to even things out, or whatever… I can say though, that it didn’t feel right, and in a way I felt guilty, being asked about davey while I’m with this other guy… but… there’s something precious with davey… that I want, to be blunt I guess. I believe I’m the right person… and I want it to be me because of that. So, deep down I believe it to be different…. or at least different enough.
begin addition - 4AM:
Blah, I really need to get over that… I suppose it’s a good sign in a way that my heart feels heavy… looking at this photo that guy took of davey… but I don’t like feeling that way at all. I almost want to say that this is one time where I shouldn’t have asked… and just let it go, but I’m not like that; If there’s something I’m curious about I need to find the answer. I guess feeling like this is the result of that curiosity. I’ve never really felt jealousy I guess, as in real jealousy, I don’t like that either really…. new feelings… for a new kind of love. I suppose, though, this is one of my faults within. I need to be less critical too I think…
end addition
I’ve also noticed that I’ve been very verbose lately… I hope it is doing good, I think it is for me… just to babble on about these things… and writing davey, it seems my email made him feel a bit better, so I’m glad I wrote it. It’s still only a fraction of what I could/want to say, but, it’s a little bit, and every little bit counts, in my opinion anyway.
Well, my brother says I did a pretty good job… turns out that I didn’t have the right mp3 encoder codec installed so I didn’t encode the audio at the right bit rate after all. I now have the right codecs installed and basically know what I’m doing, so I’ll try my hand again at another. I’m fairly satisfied with the 1.1GB encode, it’s a little larger than I’d like, but the movie was two and a half hours long.
I rented Castaway lastnight, just finished watching it. It was good, a bit boring at certain points though and I couldn’t get over how stupid Tom Hank’s Character was at times… but then, hmm, I guess the whole surviving on a deserted island thing isn’t exactly something most plan for.
I wrote davey an email, originally I thought I was going to explain how I feel and all of that, but, it just seemed dumb, repeated, whatever… I hope it makes sense… trying to express something in words that I don’t think is possible to be expressed that way. I just want him to know, that I care, what I think about… what I want. There are a lot of things that I think I could have added, but… they’re not entirely necessary I suppose, little things, like yesterday, my nap, my arms were wrapped so strongly around my body pillow, I want to hold him, and… in 111 days that will become a possibility. I have this frustration… because I want to be with him so badly… and I think it makes me moody (hahaha… more so than usual I guess), frustrated because I can’t touch him, hold him, kiss him, right now.
I am completely terrified at times though, my heart has been mishapen by my experiences with stephen… as davey has said, I too don’t want to fuck up. I feel like it’s so unfair to davey, and I feel I need to appologize to him for this, and hope I can overcome it. Stephen was (is) fucked up, and left me fucked up, deep down I knew he didn’t love me like I loved him. I know that with davey it is very much different; there’s no secret hope with him the way it was with stephen, I don’t need to delude myself into thinking that there’s more than there is…
…Even though davey and I have had our moments, I believe what he have is honest. I know also that if we have a problem we’re going to work it out and not give up. We built our relationship up on a foundation so much more firm than any before, friendship… and it just grew… I never knew what was happening, really, but I found myself in love with him, loving him…. never having set out for that, it was foundation based on something more natural and pure than the average; the average being based on more carnal desires.
I am proud of him, and I truly value him being in my life. I think this is the first real love I’ve had, in the sense that it is most complete. I try to look at it as unbiased as possible… and I don’t see anything missing emotionally; I just miss (and it’s odd that I miss it, because I’ve not experienced it with him)… but I miss him, that’s the feeling at least, and it’s like… in august, I won’t be seeing him for the first time, it’s more like reuniting with someone I’ve loved my entire life; someone I’ve seen though only in my dreams…
…and I’ll keep dreaming, until that saturday morning when I wake up and it’s really him in my arms.
heh, I just hope he won’t mind making a sappy scene at the airport gate the morning he arrives, because there’s a years worth of hugging and kissing that is begging to be released.