indiboi.com

20:00: wake up

20:05: smoke clove

20:20: finish email, chat briefly with friend

20:30: write journal entry

20:45: get mail

20:58: write journal entry

21:00: ex messages me

21:01: post journal entry to iam

21:05: answer iam messages

21:10: dread life

21:20: make drink

21:34: finish drink and make another

21:35: wishes to go back or forward in time… anywhere but here.

I have this ingrained responsibility as per work… I don’t feel as though anyone can do the job that I do on a daily basis… perhaps if I left instructions for them… I remember how paranoid I was for being away just one single day when I went to pick up davey and we went to washington that day… I can’t believe it, I actually have some sort of work ethic… it still pisses me off… I am still so unhappy with myself, that one morning, instead of staying with davey in bed… I grabbed my laptop and went to the living room, knowing that I had work to do… I really wish I hadn’t done that, it’s one thing that I regret, though it wouldn’t change anything particularly, I would have much rather spent that time with davey, holding him… I guess that’s what is most important to me right now…

I’m trying to dilligently to be patient… not being on icq on this computer… so that I don’t see him, so that I don’t have the urge to message him… in that I don’t break that I am giving him time to think… but in reality, i’m so damned impatient… I want us to be together, for our relationship to be simple… for me to know that I have someone to rely upon…. I just look at these photos of him.. and I can’t help but say outload how beautiful he is… it’s astonishing, this boy, out of everyone, he is the most beautiful person I have ever had the joy of meeting and being with… I just don’t feel complete anymore… to be without my inspiration, to be without this beautiful person… even if it is only for a short time…

I am falling… I am fading… I have lost it all….

My experiences in Pittsburgh changed me forever… in both positive and negative ways… …why I would wake up at six am… so that I could be to work… I was the manager of the bakery… …I would work, and work… and work… so that I could have at the most a meager paycheck… so that we could eat… I don’t think stephen ever understood… or maybe, if he ever will understand… and I wonder what has happened to him.. having left pittsburgh on that fateful day I had gone to visit him… and moved to las vegas… and I wonder if the boy he found himself with had to struggle with the same schizophrenic and unbearable personality that I dealt with… It is almost funny… if I could have dealt with that, and I did, for many months… everything else should be easy… …but then I found myself… wanting to rush.. things will be better… so why not have them better now? …why not put the pedal of time down and see just how quickly things can go? … the dumbest thing i’ve ever done… I want to be a provider… more so i think it has become a core need of mine… I want to go to sleep tonight, knowing that I’ll be able to be there for davey… knowing that he’ll accept me into his life… and knowing that in some time from now, whenever that may be… that it won’t be this body pillow, that it’ll be him… and that I can whisper into his ear how much I love him…

…and I find myself wishing that website statistics would be clairvoyant… in that I could know not only that you were here… but what you were thinking… when you don’t comment…

I had this panic friday… as my life seemed to be more rapidly falling apart than I could handle… I wanted to document the happiness before sadness took complete hold of me. I feel as though I’m crumbling, little blocks falling to the ground… and randomly someone will come by and put a piece back in place… all the while other blocks still falling.

So I ordered prints, 26 of them… of davey and me and davey… the odd thing, them having arrived today, I wish I hadn’t… not completely but in some small way… they aren’t serving as a reminder of happiness as I suspected, but more of a symbol leading me in the other direction…

Pride can stand a thousand trials, the strong will never fall, but watching stars without you my soul cried…

Where are you now?

I was complaining to myself lastnight about my martini shaker… because it’s one of these old fashioned ones, where you just stick the measuring glass into the metal part, which inevitably leads to whatever you’re shaking splattering all over the place…

I come to find out this evening that should be soon a thing of the past… Russ bought me an early birthday present, the Martini Shaker from my amazon wishlist, and someone else, unknown to me at the present (though I have an idea) bought me the Michael Graves Bar Set, also from my wishlist.

Truly unexpected… and much appreciated.

A ten dollar per bottle gin, seagrams, is not nearly as good as the twenty-five dollar per bottle gin, tanqueray. I’ve gone and spoiled myself by drinking the pricey stuff, phooey.

I really hate being pestered on a weekend evening about something (a technical problem caused by the user) in which I shouldn’t have to deal with anyway… I really hate having to fix people’s mistakes because they asked for something to be done without realizing what it indeed was that they had asked to have done. Ermm… I’m an asshole, but I just can’t stand people in general… there are very few people that I willing talk to, and even fewer that I personally want to talk with.

Uhm, I had something else to say but I’m hungry….. errr, I hope I’m not being too optimistic… and, yeah… *sigh* I’m calm… yup…. sure…

–

Ehh… okay, these steak and cheese rolled taco things weren’t quite as good as I expected they may be, oh well. I was able to drive my parent’s car for the first time tonight; it’s rather nice, smooth, powerful, reminds me of driving my Tiburon. I really need to work towards having a car… now if only I can find a quick and easy way of digging up another ten thousand, hahaha.

I rented a ‘chick flick’ tonight, A Walk to Remember… haven’t watched it yet… yeah, today has been relatively boring… and I’m writing solely for the purposes of writing… which is probably even more boring to read.

And in other randomness I have been reminded how much I enjoy orange cream popcicles, hehe… oh and I spilled sour cream all over me when I made these potato skin thingees, that’s the kind of mess that seems to only get worse then trying to clean it up.

I also ordered quite a few prints through iphoto and shutterfly on Friday… I still have 100 free photos available between now and the end of the year, so I’ll probably print a bunch more from August… and I suppose I hope that I’ll have many more beautiful photos to print in coming months.

I promise to have something thought provoking soon, honest.