swallowed
20:00: wake up
20:05: smoke clove
20:20: finish email, chat briefly with friend
20:30: write journal entry
20:45: get mail
20:58: write journal entry
21:00: ex messages me
21:01: post journal entry to iam
21:05: answer iam messages
21:10: dread life
21:20: make drink
21:34: finish drink and make another
21:35: wishes to go back or forward in time… anywhere but here.
I have this ingrained responsibility as per work… I don’t feel as though anyone can do the job that I do on a daily basis… perhaps if I left instructions for them… I remember how paranoid I was for being away just one single day when I went to pick up davey and we went to washington that day… I can’t believe it, I actually have some sort of work ethic… it still pisses me off… I am still so unhappy with myself, that one morning, instead of staying with davey in bed… I grabbed my laptop and went to the living room, knowing that I had work to do… I really wish I hadn’t done that, it’s one thing that I regret, though it wouldn’t change anything particularly, I would have much rather spent that time with davey, holding him… I guess that’s what is most important to me right now…
I’m trying to dilligently to be patient… not being on icq on this computer… so that I don’t see him, so that I don’t have the urge to message him… in that I don’t break that I am giving him time to think… but in reality, i’m so damned impatient… I want us to be together, for our relationship to be simple… for me to know that I have someone to rely upon…. I just look at these photos of him.. and I can’t help but say outload how beautiful he is… it’s astonishing, this boy, out of everyone, he is the most beautiful person I have ever had the joy of meeting and being with… I just don’t feel complete anymore… to be without my inspiration, to be without this beautiful person… even if it is only for a short time…
I am falling… I am fading… I have lost it all….
My experiences in Pittsburgh changed me forever… in both positive and negative ways… …why I would wake up at six am… so that I could be to work… I was the manager of the bakery… …I would work, and work… and work… so that I could have at the most a meager paycheck… so that we could eat… I don’t think stephen ever understood… or maybe, if he ever will understand… and I wonder what has happened to him.. having left pittsburgh on that fateful day I had gone to visit him… and moved to las vegas… and I wonder if the boy he found himself with had to struggle with the same schizophrenic and unbearable personality that I dealt with… It is almost funny… if I could have dealt with that, and I did, for many months… everything else should be easy… …but then I found myself… wanting to rush.. things will be better… so why not have them better now? …why not put the pedal of time down and see just how quickly things can go? … the dumbest thing i’ve ever done… I want to be a provider… more so i think it has become a core need of mine… I want to go to sleep tonight, knowing that I’ll be able to be there for davey… knowing that he’ll accept me into his life… and knowing that in some time from now, whenever that may be… that it won’t be this body pillow, that it’ll be him… and that I can whisper into his ear how much I love him…
…and I find myself wishing that website statistics would be clairvoyant… in that I could know not only that you were here… but what you were thinking… when you don’t comment…