indiboi.com

I really wish I had scarfed up some more of that pizza… it was there around midnight but of course now when I’m hungry again it’s gone… damnit! lol. This happened lastnight too, with my papa john’s; I only had two slices… and everyone else ate it!

I’m still sick, though not coughing as often as previous… need to mention to Michel that the generic ctp (?) function doesn’t seem to work right for b2 at the moment… seems like there’s no way to seperate the number of pingbacks, trackbacks and comments… so it shows comments even when there aren’t any.

I forgot to call the dentist as planned due to sleeping through the whole day, oops and a mini-damnit for that…

5:33am…Lol, somebody outsmarted me… I fully expected the pizza just to stay in the box.. even though there was a note on it to either eat it or put it away… so it never occured to me to actually look in the refrigerator… score! two slices!

I slept a little bit, but grew slightly restless…. and then I realized I hadn’t watched No Ordinary Love yet, despite having it for quite a while now; that’s a seriously disturbed little movie.

Of everything right now, I miss Davey’s friendship most of all.

That I shouldn’t feel bad about not having a car, because soon I’ll be moving away and won’t need one. I just kind of leave out a hurumph-esque sigh… and say that ‘I don’t think I’ll be moving away either.’ …As soon as I say that I can feel emotion welling up inside of me, so I just kind of back away and return to my room… and I hear her say something in regards to ‘Are you two on the rocks?’ …I just don’t want to talk about this with my parents yet… I only want to talk about the good things with them..

I found out just now that the one tooth I had removed earlier in the month wasn’t fully removed, I guess part of it fell down… which makes sense… wisdom teeth have a tendecy to come in and out a lot… and the removal of this particular one was the ‘accidental’ removal. I need to schedule more appointments with my dentist… I guess this is good timing in a way… I don’t particularly want to eat lately, so the difficulty in eating after all this oral destruction won’t bother me so much. On the brightside of food though, heh, I did order a papa john’s pizza… got their chicken strip things, which are good, but not quite worth the cost.

I still say that he’s perfect

heh… *sigh* I’m so damned broken.

3am… if only I would have known before I wrote that letter… *pounds head into keyboard*

*sigh*

It hurts to see davey unavailable to me… I really want to be able to talk with him… but I feel as though I can’t bother him… that if I would talk to him, or try, that I’ll only make things worse…. :(

My mom/parents brought home their new car today… I’m happy for them. It’s so depressing though, I miss having my car so much. I wish that I hadn’t been such a fuckup… that I was capable of dealing with my emotions much better back then… so that I could continue to work… I had systematically destroyed all shreads of a life… When I met davey, I had just started to put my life back together… it seems like he’s a sort of metaphorical glue. I find myself having to evaluate my goals and plans now… trying to determine how I’ll manage to continue to succeed… and where I’ll be in six months.

From the semi-random quote at the bottom of the page: “Normal times may possibly be over forever.“

We lasted only one month after we spent our first real time together. I never expected that our relationship would be dissolved so quickly… and.. that *sigh* I just fucking hate this. I just fucking hate this!

I was going to say earlier… that it is really sad that I talk to my exboyfriend more often than my boyfriend, but… I guess I can’t call davey my boyfriend anymore anyway.

I can’t take this uncertainty… I just need to talk to him… really talk with him… have him really talk to me… It’s like I have this vigil… where I won’t/can’t sleep.. because if I become calm… it’s like accepting this… accepting that we’re no more… it’s like I really am giving up… and I just can’t do that. Davey is too important to give up on.

I want so badly for him to say that we’ll stay together, unfortunately though, even though I have this rare stream of optimism lately, I don’t think that’s going to happen… but then… I’d need to know how ‘a part of his life’ he wants me to be… what that really means… ….and… if anything, the one thing that would allow me to be at least somewhat less unhappy would be for him to say that yes, we are indeed going to see each other in November… and for me to know that we will.

Or maybe I should just put myself out of my misery with this… instead of waiting to know what will really happen… I can just accept the fact that we’re finished… …and just move on in any way that I can. Someday, perhaps years from now… things will be different…. being 2500 miles away will never work anyhow. I don’t want to think this way though… I don’t want to have to rewrite my plans… being with davey, be that here, in pittsburgh, or in austin; be that in december… or the summer… those are the only kinds of plans that I want to have. I probably am asking too much, I just want to be there for him, while he’s in school… it’s odd, how whenever I’d be upset about something, I could glance over at a photo of davey… and I would know everything will be alright.

It’s one thing… to have to wait another six months… that was enough to knock me onto the floor, basically…. but… to find out then days later it isn’t another six months… it’s perhaps never… it’s a total loss of equilibrium.

I didn’t post this when I wrote it… because truly, I don’t really want anyone other than davey to be able to see it, but there’s no way for him to see my notebook obviously… and regardless of everything else… the greater the chance of providing him with information to better understand me… the better things could be. We’ve always had a bit of a problem communicating… and I still say that if (guh… I can’t believe I wrote that… it’s supposed to be when) we’re together that’ll be gone. I told him, when he phoned, that our expressions, the tone of our voices… those little things will fill in the details for us, I truly believe that. I also truly believe that we’re meant to be with one another… time can be our friend and our enemy.

I want davey to be happy, but I want to be happy too… it’s a weird feeling. If you were to ask me many months ago, I would have said that my own happiness is secondary to his, but now… it’s different. My happiness is intertwined with his, but also intertwined with us. I find myself hoping that his decision hasn’t been made completely… but is somewhat more flexible… I feel like his desire for no relationship is based on me being an inconsiderate jealous, desperate fool lately… I wish I knew a way to show him that the last three weeks or so are not the way things will be…

I’m probably being selfish… or it probably appears that way… it also could be seen as pompous of me to say something like how it’s for the good of both of us to stay together, but I know that he has and will continue to help me… and that I have and will continue to help him.

Either way though, I’ll continue writing until I haven’t anything left to say (doubtful that I’ll run out…) and I’ll give him time… and space (or at least I’ll try… it’s very hard to not send an instant message, phone, or write… when you have so much to say).

I’ll hope for his phone calls…. and when he has the time, and is ready for us to talk, I’ll be here.

He’s so very beautiful… …happiness.