indiboi.com

The reason I gave the subject as “guh…” to the previous entry was because I was writing it while the server was going kablooey… turns out that somehow one of the large installations of b2 somehow became screwed up and was trying to load every single entry back from 2000… which was very very bad. Anyway, I finally got that sorted. The whole thing made me think of Davey though, because he was really supportive of me when the server would be blowing up… kind of like the perfect server admin boyfriend I guess, it made me miss him even more.

So today was a rough day… staying up all night even though I hadn’t anything to do, when I finally fell asleep it was only two hours later that I got two emergency pages… I find the server has a 15 minute load average of 99 point something, and I see mysql processes going bezerk. It took me a long time to isolate the problem, I eventually just had to reboot the server, but then immediately it all came right back. I’m talking to the guy who’s site is affected most and while he’s saying it isn’t him, and I don’t think it is him, it really actually is his site, lol. I don’t know how it happened because the files causing the problem did not appear to be changed recently, but I eventually got it solved. It only took about two hours… granted I took his site offline so everybody else’s would run okay in the meantime.

I then slept from between 13:00 and 17:00 or so, not sure exactly… I went through the normal, or perhaps I should say typical, thoughts and emotions of late…. Around 18:00 I sent a message to davey, I guess he wasn’t there… but about forty-five minutes later he replied, we spoke for five minutes. I never know anymore if the curiosity will kill this cat, me that is… but I asked him about rootofpi and if he got the Harry Potter broom thing I mentioned buying him in the previous entry…. he received it and likes it, guess he’ll be using it as part of his costume tomorrow at work. It was almost friendly… I just hope that I am not ‘pushing my luck’ with him… I just feel the need to talk to him every once in a while, and it doesn’t have to be about our relationship, former or present… just… life… and well, I’ve said it all before I guess. Talking to him, if only for five minutes, on a friendly sort of level, does make me feel better though.

I tend to jot down things randomly on little scraps of paper, like receipts from when I buy clove cigs… usually because I can’t be arsed to load up b2 to post an entry. I found one of these scraps lastnight, and it said basically, ‘Everynight I go to sleep hoping that when I wake up the world will be different.’

Unfortunately, it never really is any different. I’m the same person with a miserable and lonely life, all of my plans for the future having been crushed out of existence.

There is this ever present feeling that can only be described as agony… On Davey’s birthday I gave him, while we were sitting on these benches in Maryland, a little metal heart, battered and bruised, symbolic of my own heart… hoping that he’d take good care of it. I just don’t know what to do anymore… so much of me is invested in him… I’ve written already about this, but Davey was my inspiration for nearly everything I had done this past year… without him I would not have had the inspiration or desire to work as dilligently as I have. He was so supportive of the things I would do, and when I would have a difficult day he was there for me; a source of strength for whenever my own wasn’t enough. There is nothing I’ll ever be able to say that will convey how much I miss him.

I’d like to do little things for him, whenever I’d go out… if I would see something I thought he’d like, just small things, I’d get it for him… even when we weren’t talking… though I guess you could say we still aren’t apart from the email… I bought him more of these little silk roses back at the end of September, I’d sent him some, along with a little candle back when it seemed like we’d not see each other in August…. I hope that he hasn’t ever felt that I’m exchanging objects for affection, because to me it was more of a tangible way to show him that I think about him… trying to do little romantic things. I was going to send these miniature white roses along with a little notecard thanking him for the happiness that he’d brought me, but I never did… I still want to send them, but I don’t think I should. I have to overcome this intense desire to keep trying, because by my persistence I do not afford him the time he wishes to have… time to try and think, when he says the outcome may not be positive anyway. This hurts so badly, and… just as time with him will always be good… being apart from him will always hurt.

I had bought this thing from amazon.com for him a while back, but it went out of stock before it could be shipping — or something like that at least, and I received notification just recently that it was shipped, he might even have it today. I guess I could have tried to stop it from going… because I try to think of how I’d feel if someone I had loved (and I don’t think that is possible… for I know that those that I have truly loved I still do love… but if the love wasn’t true, from him, although I’ve never had any reason to doubt it until now… *sigh*) sent me something… I just don’t know… I don’t know if I’d be annoyed by it or appreciate it… I hope he appreciates it.

I’ve also written how a photo of Davey and me is in this book, I ordered him a copy, this also being before the silence between us had grown to this extreme length… part of me says I should cancel the pre-order for his copy, or perhaps give it to someone else… but, I think that no matter how hurt I may be by someone, I’d want a reminder of being happy with them… so I suppose I’ll still send it to him. Maybe if he’ll talk with me I’ll ask him if he would want it, because it was forty dollars… I’d not want it to be wasted by him throwing it away. I don’t think he would, but… my mind is too clouded to be able to think clearly.

The emotion is complex, because when I think about being with him, it is good, but it hurts too, I guess because I realize more clearly everyday how when I gave him that last kiss, hoping for the feeling to last through when we’d see each other again, that it was truly the last kiss. I didn’t want to let him go… and right now I feel very much the same.

I was definitely right when I said while asleep our minds are free to abuse us.

I dreamed that Davey had discovered he did want to be with me, I received a message from him, we talked about it a little bit, and he said that he was coming up here that day…. and he did.

“The vulgar error is to think that love is a kind of illusion. It is the fault of bad poets who encourage this mistake. “I am completely enraptured,” lovers say, as if somehow they were being deceived. When the affair ends, they say, “I have been stripped of my illusions.” When they cease to love, they say, “Oh. I see him clearly now.” The reverse is the truth. The everyday world is shrouded. We see it dimly. Only when we love do we see the true person. The truth of a person is only visible through love. Love is not the illusion. Life is.”

“Perfect happiness I believe, was never intended by the deity to be the lot of any one of his creatures in this world. The most fortunate of us frequently meet with calamities which may greatly afflict us. And to fortify our minds against the attacks of these misfortunes should be one of the principal studies and endeavors of our lives.”