indiboi.com

I tend to jot down things randomly on little scraps of paper, like receipts from when I buy clove cigs… usually because I can’t be arsed to load up b2 to post an entry. I found one of these scraps lastnight, and it said basically, ‘Everynight I go to sleep hoping that when I wake up the world will be different.’

Unfortunately, it never really is any different. I’m the same person with a miserable and lonely life, all of my plans for the future having been crushed out of existence.

There is this ever present feeling that can only be described as agony… On Davey’s birthday I gave him, while we were sitting on these benches in Maryland, a little metal heart, battered and bruised, symbolic of my own heart… hoping that he’d take good care of it. I just don’t know what to do anymore… so much of me is invested in him… I’ve written already about this, but Davey was my inspiration for nearly everything I had done this past year… without him I would not have had the inspiration or desire to work as dilligently as I have. He was so supportive of the things I would do, and when I would have a difficult day he was there for me; a source of strength for whenever my own wasn’t enough. There is nothing I’ll ever be able to say that will convey how much I miss him.

I’d like to do little things for him, whenever I’d go out… if I would see something I thought he’d like, just small things, I’d get it for him… even when we weren’t talking… though I guess you could say we still aren’t apart from the email… I bought him more of these little silk roses back at the end of September, I’d sent him some, along with a little candle back when it seemed like we’d not see each other in August…. I hope that he hasn’t ever felt that I’m exchanging objects for affection, because to me it was more of a tangible way to show him that I think about him… trying to do little romantic things. I was going to send these miniature white roses along with a little notecard thanking him for the happiness that he’d brought me, but I never did… I still want to send them, but I don’t think I should. I have to overcome this intense desire to keep trying, because by my persistence I do not afford him the time he wishes to have… time to try and think, when he says the outcome may not be positive anyway. This hurts so badly, and… just as time with him will always be good… being apart from him will always hurt.

I had bought this thing from amazon.com for him a while back, but it went out of stock before it could be shipping — or something like that at least, and I received notification just recently that it was shipped, he might even have it today. I guess I could have tried to stop it from going… because I try to think of how I’d feel if someone I had loved (and I don’t think that is possible… for I know that those that I have truly loved I still do love… but if the love wasn’t true, from him, although I’ve never had any reason to doubt it until now… *sigh*) sent me something… I just don’t know… I don’t know if I’d be annoyed by it or appreciate it… I hope he appreciates it.

I’ve also written how a photo of Davey and me is in this book, I ordered him a copy, this also being before the silence between us had grown to this extreme length… part of me says I should cancel the pre-order for his copy, or perhaps give it to someone else… but, I think that no matter how hurt I may be by someone, I’d want a reminder of being happy with them… so I suppose I’ll still send it to him. Maybe if he’ll talk with me I’ll ask him if he would want it, because it was forty dollars… I’d not want it to be wasted by him throwing it away. I don’t think he would, but… my mind is too clouded to be able to think clearly.

The emotion is complex, because when I think about being with him, it is good, but it hurts too, I guess because I realize more clearly everyday how when I gave him that last kiss, hoping for the feeling to last through when we’d see each other again, that it was truly the last kiss. I didn’t want to let him go… and right now I feel very much the same.