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I just saw davey online… Well, he’s still online… my heart starts beating rapidly, my breathing is labored… it makes me feel horrible.
Before I took my nap today I was thinking of him… how wonderful it was to be with him, kissing him… to be next to him in my bed… I miss that so much. I miss everything about him.
I’m terribly worried about him… periodically I get more worried, I’m not really sure why… I don’t really talk to friends of his and it seems that the one friend of his I would talk to occasionally has been shut out for taking my side… though I did’t realize there were sides, ya know? …but from what I’m told they’re concerned for him… While I can’t fully explain his actions in regards to me, I do know him, well, and I can only make suppositions as to what he’s been doing… I hope the things that come to mind are worse than the reality, but I don’t have any particular way of knowing.
It’s been a while… and I guess the self-protective part of me wants to be able to reinforce the “don’t think about him” concept… it never truly succeeds though. While I don’t know how he feels, I’m fairly certain that he just wants me to be gone completely, eradicate all memory of me… and thinking that is so painful.
I guess I don’t take being pushed away very well… though I suppose most people wouldn’t. It’s just that I love this guy… with every gram of my being, and… I know that he has loved me, even if somehow he doesn’t now.
I guess I’m not respecting his wishes, in that he wants time to try to think… but, it’s so unilateral, he won’t give me a few moments to talk with him. I’m human though, I suppose, in that oh fuck, I don’t know…
I’m scared, for me… and for him. Perhaps we had grown ‘too’ dependent on one another, and in the absence we’ve both crumbled. I hope that he’ll find someone to love him, that he can love… I haven’t any doubt that he will, though I have considerable doubt that I will. It’s so difficult to find people that will care for you because of you, without alterior motives.
I might have mentioned this already, but it almost feels like I’m betraying him and our future… if I continue making plans that do not involve him. I know that I have to make those plans, I need something to work toward, someone to hold, have hold me… a friend to be here for me… as I’ve been there for others. I was told to look at it from the viewpoint that he betrayed me and our future first… of course that doesn’t make it feel any better.
He doesn’t want me anymore, in any sort of way… I’m unsure if I just say that I accept it, or if… I really do; judging from my reactions to thoughts about him… and how my heart and soul yearn for him, even glimpses… I don’t accept the end that has most definitely come.
So I phoned him tonight, admiting that makes me want to pound my head into the wall, since that would actually be more productive… Damn hope… and damn him for creating the desire to open my heart up to one last person… disregarding his promises to take care of it… it’s crushed, and… if this is love, the wonderful part isn’t worth it.
I made this private originally, but I won’t do that… he hides from me, but I can’t do that; I know he won’t read this anyway, but… I’m not going to burn down the last bridges remaining… that’s up to him.
I don’t want something that was… I want something that would have been, something that could still be.