indiboi.com

I just saw davey online… Well, he’s still online… my heart starts beating rapidly, my breathing is labored… it makes me feel horrible.

Before I took my nap today I was thinking of him… how wonderful it was to be with him, kissing him… to be next to him in my bed… I miss that so much. I miss everything about him.

I’m terribly worried about him… periodically I get more worried, I’m not really sure why… I don’t really talk to friends of his and it seems that the one friend of his I would talk to occasionally has been shut out for taking my side… though I did’t realize there were sides, ya know? …but from what I’m told they’re concerned for him… While I can’t fully explain his actions in regards to me, I do know him, well, and I can only make suppositions as to what he’s been doing… I hope the things that come to mind are worse than the reality, but I don’t have any particular way of knowing.

It’s been a while… and I guess the self-protective part of me wants to be able to reinforce the “don’t think about him” concept… it never truly succeeds though. While I don’t know how he feels, I’m fairly certain that he just wants me to be gone completely, eradicate all memory of me… and thinking that is so painful.

I guess I don’t take being pushed away very well… though I suppose most people wouldn’t. It’s just that I love this guy… with every gram of my being, and… I know that he has loved me, even if somehow he doesn’t now.

I guess I’m not respecting his wishes, in that he wants time to try to think… but, it’s so unilateral, he won’t give me a few moments to talk with him. I’m human though, I suppose, in that oh fuck, I don’t know…

I’m scared, for me… and for him. Perhaps we had grown ‘too’ dependent on one another, and in the absence we’ve both crumbled. I hope that he’ll find someone to love him, that he can love… I haven’t any doubt that he will, though I have considerable doubt that I will. It’s so difficult to find people that will care for you because of you, without alterior motives.

I might have mentioned this already, but it almost feels like I’m betraying him and our future… if I continue making plans that do not involve him. I know that I have to make those plans, I need something to work toward, someone to hold, have hold me… a friend to be here for me… as I’ve been there for others. I was told to look at it from the viewpoint that he betrayed me and our future first… of course that doesn’t make it feel any better.

He doesn’t want me anymore, in any sort of way… I’m unsure if I just say that I accept it, or if… I really do; judging from my reactions to thoughts about him… and how my heart and soul yearn for him, even glimpses… I don’t accept the end that has most definitely come.

So I phoned him tonight, admiting that makes me want to pound my head into the wall, since that would actually be more productive… Damn hope… and damn him for creating the desire to open my heart up to one last person… disregarding his promises to take care of it… it’s crushed, and… if this is love, the wonderful part isn’t worth it.

I made this private originally, but I won’t do that… he hides from me, but I can’t do that; I know he won’t read this anyway, but… I’m not going to burn down the last bridges remaining… that’s up to him.

I don’t want something that was… I want something that would have been, something that could still be.

The bluetooth adapter finally arrived this morning. I immediately discover that it doesn’t work to connect to the lan/internet wirelessly as I suspected it might, but works fairly well to sync the palm and ibook together.

I get the bright idea to read on the mac websites about how to do the whole wireless internet thing… FUCK. Well, now not only can I not do the internet thing, ANYTIME AT ALL I try to do ANYTHING with bluetooth I get a kernel panic… aka bluescreen… aka FUCK YOU! from the the iBook.

I reversed all of my changes… it was only adding a startup script to alias the bluetooth adapter to the ppp server, but it must have somehow changed some hidden setting somewhere because now it doesn’t work at all of course.

I’m one extremely unhappy boy… looks like this bleeding edge turned into a hemorage.

How can something arrive at the same location twice?

Arrived at FedEx HAGERSTOWN MD 11/26/2002 05:58

Arrived at FedEx HAGERSTOWN MD 11/23/2002 06:37

…and it STILL hasn’t been delivered!

Update @ 20:35…It said yesterday that it would be delivered yesterday, earlier today it was to be delivered today… and now it says delivery is tomorrow!

I’ve been tinkering with trying to get my post numbers a bit less horrible for a long time. I really should have put more effort into figuring it out quite a long time ago, but I didn’t, figured Michel might figure it out, but it sort of fell by the wayside. I suppose it’s really too late at this point, I reference posts by their ID everywhere these days. I finally figured out how to do it though, well, part of it at least. The huge problem is that comments lose all connection to their posts, which is of course not acceptable. I can’t quite get my mind around the way to write the code to match them up. The way I figured out how to do it was to a) drop the ID column completely, reset the auto_increment, then re-add the ID column; bingo, all posts numbered in sequence. I suppose the column could be deleted, then added without auto_increment set, all the while perhaps copying the current ID into a temporary column… hmm… then do some kind of matching where the comment_post_ID = temp_ID, UPDATE SET comment_post_ID something somehow with the value of the ‘new’ ID column… so much work because of blogger’s stupid ID numbers and the blogger.com -> b2 importer grabbing them… and this is pretty much wasted thought for all the reasons I mentioned earlier… too many references to existing post IDs… bugger.

I’m probably the only person annoyed by the insanely huge ID numbers on posts… but damnit, it bothers me… perfectionist tendencies.

I’d never ship anything Fedex, but that was the only option the Apple store had available, Fedex sucks, and they’ve proven it yet again.

So it’s quarter past seven, and no package yet… it’s the 25th and it arrived in Harrisburg, only an hour north of here, on the 21st! Then it sat around for a while and finally late evening on the 22nd it was shipped to… not here, but Baltimore! Driving right past… Hagerstown, where the distribution is for my area… and guess where it has been sitting since early Saturday morning? Hagerstown! So it’s been 20 minutes away since 6am Saturday… and it’s not here yet, Monday!