indiboi.com

There was a blip of anticipation from lastnight, the random idea of DaVe being here tonight, but it seems as though the tides of unlikely won out.

Oh well… there was an interesting hit to an old and now useless category today… seems a little unfair to me actually.

…I suppose I’ll enjoy my 40 some bottles of alcohol here in a bit. There’s a cosmic comedy going on right now, and there are only two people that could possibly see it or understand… …only one is paying attention.

“Most [of] your relationships end in a flash so you might as well be in it for cash.”

Maybe I don’t remember how to sleep? I know it sounds silly, since I’ve been doing it most nights throughout my life, but I’m too antsy, this tiny bed is too big in that… err, I guess the body pillow just can’t provide me with the sort of solace that it used to. I’ve not been able to sleep for the last week due to the whole server situation from hell… so now that everything is mostly back to normal, well… I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m suffering from chronic exhaustion and I need a massage… err, well I need sex too, the kind with another person this time, hahah. It just doesn’t seem worthwhile though, to even want for it anymore… because I know it’d be a sort of emptiness.

I just don’t want to be alone… to be so lonely. I’m surviving, with more thrown at me than I ever expected to deal with all at once… I just want to collapse into the arms of my friend and forget about all of this diaster of life lately… if only for a few minutes.

DaVe calls it 10.5, the whore! :-D Since his site was at version 11, well, I had to compete with him… so now this is at version 11 too, mwahaha. It’s quick, just because I was getting sick of red, and wanted to do something… anything… and, well… I don’t know.

The drawing in the corner was done in Painter 7 using my nifty little wacom drawing tablet, yay me… it’s supposed to look crappy, that’s the idea, right?

“You can push me out the window / I’ll just get back up / You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck / And I won’t give a fuck / You can hang me like a slave / I’ll go underground / You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but / You can’t keep me down”

(Pink - 18 Wheeler)

Someone complimented me tonight… “You have maintained a measure of pride that is worthy of respect.” (Yes, I’m quoting you Al, hehe), he was describing how I’ve dealt with the destruction of my relationship with Davey mostly… It’s the only thing I know to do, I can’t be vengeful towards someone I care about. I was asked a few days ago if I still love Davey, and I most certainly do, just as much as I ever have… When you really do love someone, that doesn’t just go away. I still hurt, intensely, but I know there isn’t anything that I can do to make it better, particularly when all he would do is continue to block me out. I still miss him, everyday, and there will be a part of me that will forever value the time I did have with him… and yearn for what could have been. I know he isn’t happy, or at least suspect that, it’s his nature in general… I just hope that when his anger towards me fades away, that he’ll remember me fondly, I did everything I knew to do, to be as good as I could be… maybe, no, probably too much… more than anybody deserved perhaps. He’s the only person that has ever consistently brought physical pain to me… maybe it’s just my body reacting to emotions I won’t allow out, I don’t really know. When I think of him I can feel my heart ripping apart just a little bit more… after thinking it was completely destroyed over these past months, but I still love. I still love Davey, regardless of how he feels about me… a fading memory, someone from his past, someone he led on… someone he thought he loved, maybe did, but doesn’t now.

I love my friend Paul, my friend Melanie, both of which I’ve not seen much at all since I’ve moved from Pittsburgh, but they’re in my thoughts, I hope they’re well. I love DaVe, despite our stormy past, he’s a bit like a safe harbor… but always the threat of a tidal wave. Of course there is Adam… I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable explaining that one.

It has been one month, as of tonight/lastnight, since my father died. I miss him, it’s all really still beyond words. With all of these server-related problems I’ve not been able to spend as much time with my mom as I would have liked to, or even needed to… Hopefully with things smoothing out I’ll be less grumpy and be able to spend more time with my family… and friends… the few I have.

I do very much wish I could spend new years with DaVe, and I know that he feels the same… it almost feels like something that we need to do.