indiboi.com

My brother david is at the hospital with an appendicitis. I’m shocked that they didn’t make him wait several days while it kept getting worse to the point where it ruptured (you know, like they did with me, the fuckers), so hopefully he’ll have a nice little scar versus this horrendous monster of a scar like I have.

The data center supposedly put the server’s harddrives into a new one lastnight… all I can say is that this better solve the stability problems. My server provider is also going to be crediting me back the last payment as compensation for the wasted time and frustration. Unfortunately it only serves to offset the longterm loss of income by a small portion… The company needs new clients, good new clients, and quite a few of them… since instead of growing the company is shrinking… Deadbeat clients continue to plague me, clients that don’t understand that emails are meant to be replied to continue to infuriate me, I want to kick clients in the head who want help moving their accounts away from PFWS… all the while past due!

I’m still horribly stressed out, to make matters worse, ergh, DaVe really offended/annoyed me lastnight… I’m just sort of living in my little fantasy world of The Sims, where I’m a senator and he’s a doctor, hah, and we have this 4,000 SQ FT house, haha.

Don’t just stand there, do something.

I think I’ve had enough of reality right now, though I haven’t had a drink in quite a while… I guess I know that it is nothing near a solution to how I feel so I don’t do it. I’m lonely now and I don’t know how to get it back to good.

It all seems to stupid, even on a cosmic level. I don’t know him anymore, but I still care anyway, and I guess that coupld apply in many more than one instance. In the battles between heart and mind the heart always wins for me, or against me, depending on how you’d like to view it.

I worry for those I care about when they feel desperate, regardless of if they realize, because those acts of desperation are never truly satisfying and often quite harmful. Knowing this is why I don’t follow up on what I consider my act of desperation… temporary happiness isn’t worth the bullshit that comes after it or before it even.

so… i need to figure out if i feel worse when i’m not talking with someone… or when i am talking with them and they’re telling me about them being with someone else.

My post from two years ago today quoted above, ironic for reasons I haven’t mentioned, but… right now I feel like I’m in the middle of that once again, but more like not talking, but still knowing anyway… that is by far the worst.

I’m mega-grumpy for some unknown reason, and kind of bored… well I think the grumpiness comes from work related stress. So I bought The Sims, it’s a bit odd… lol, DaVe & I live together. We actually spent a couple hours on the phone playing the game together actually… he’s pretty much the only person I don’t have the desire to pummel to death right now.