indiboi.com

So much to do and say… so little motivation to accomplish either.

I bought a chenille blanket the other night… for no apparent reason… just because. The irony is there, but it’s nearly invisible I guess… then… I got an email from Donna, the girl that said I was doting on davey quite a while back. I’ve not responded yet, but I intend to… of course lately my intentions and my actions aren’t well synced, so there’s no telling what I’ll do.

Anyway, been a plumber the last couple of days much to my dismay, that shit while easy is quite a pain, literally. The end result of this plumbing hell of mine is that my mum now has her new sink & counter top in the bathroom that she’s been wanting for the longest time. The bathroom is nearly finished, I still need to do a bit painting (the door & trim), there’s a question of if we should get a new exhaust fan/light combo, a new vanity light… and then there’s fixing the leaking faucet in the shower/bath… not quite sure if we should get a “remodel kit” which has just the parts necessary or just get a whole new faucet set, I vote for the latter.

I’m finally feeling better from the mysterious and horrible illness, but it appears that now my brother is sick with similar symptoms… definitely sucks, puking constantly is no fun at all. I still haven’t figured out how I got sick, but I guess I somehow picked it up while at the grocery store or lowes, since those are the only places I had gone just previous to being sick, say the three-day period before symptoms.

I need to do something with this frame with three photos of davey in it… ever since I started painting my room and doing all the shelf stuff it’s been kind of leaning against the desk… it’s in such a way that I don’t really have clear view of the photos; until tonight. In an effort to see what size artwork would work well in the bathroom my mom grabbed it and held it up against the walls… I was a bit less than thrilled since until then I was able to just quietly ignore it. I guess the appropriate thing would be to find three new photos to put in it, but I’m not much for art photos being that small… another thought was to just ship it to davey, heh… they’re nice photos. Oh well… Everything is so tainted.

I’ve managed to rebuild this room so that it was without memories in a way… Just a few things here and there in which the pain has mellowed. I guess basically what I’ve been doing over the last month is trying to reform myself in some way, it seems just like being an isolationist though… not sure if I like that or not. It will probably pass and I will feel like socializing again, but for the most part, unless I’m up in the early morning the only person I really care to speak with is DaVe and most of the time that desire is lacking as well through mostly no fault of his.

I’m still trying to decide if I want to run out to walmart this morning, or if I should sleep, or still the third option would be to finish the bathroom trim painting… I’m not really sure yet. I feel a little bit like a caveman since I’ve not shaved in quite a while and my hair is horridly messy, but oh well.

I had bought this hair dye quite a while back now I guess… I still haven’t used it, not really sure what I’m waiting for. My excuse for not doing things like that had always been that I rarely went out except to visit the smoke shoppe, and well lately that doesn’t really apply since there have been lots of trips to walmart, ikea, lowes, home depot, etc… my current obesession obviously is the whole home improvement thing… previous to that it was rather obvious I had a cooking obsession intermidst server hell. In a way I’m taking a vacation from the server stuff since it’s running well, finally, and I’m just so incredibly burnt out from it all. I suppose at the end of december I really started gearing up for major distraction. The fewer the minutes spent sitting here at this computer or otherwise even in this room the better… somehow. Perhaps I just don’t want to deal with all the pain right now… and in an effort to find an escape for myself I need to prove myself better than another… another that chooses to find false escape in substances. Practicing what has always been preached, to turn energy towards constructive activities versus destructive ones.

I can analyze myself and see why I do the things I do… like buying $300 worth of alcohol in December… an alcoholics dream… a bottle of nearly everything… but apart from some minor excess, haha.. I’ve not really had anything to drink since, well… apart from perhaps a Skyy Blue, the beginning of the year. I bought that case of Skyy many weeks ago and have yet to finish more than three I suppose, perhaps four, the original sixpack out of that case is still in the refrigerator.

I am planning on refinishing my desk… and as practice another desk that was purchased twenty or so years ago along with this one. My desk is one of the things I cherish most I think… when it comes to actual pocessions. It’s from 1920 or so… I know there is a date stamped on it somewhere, but I can’t remember where exactly. It’s solid cherry, in rather excellent condition for the most part, and I’ve had it ever since I lived here… originally, so about twenty years. My dad refinished it back then, taking care not to put any sort of polyurethane garbage on it, thankfully… so this spring I think I’ll remove the damage I’ve done to it growing up… like the paint stains and such… make it beautiful again.

I guess it all comes down to that I know I’ll feel whole again, but I realize that it is going to take a very long time. It’s a bit like two custom fit pieces… pieces that took years to create, were removed. They can never be replaced, but perhaps something close enough will be found.

Apart from family members I talked to three people tonight… all three messaged me, one conversation died into nothingness all the while with me wondering what the point of it was… the second ended abruptly, all the while me wondering what the point of it was… and the third… yes, me wondering wtf the point of it was… shocker. I gave up and went back to bed.

Here’s the deal… nothing happens in my life, anything interesting in the slightest gets written about here the point of that being so I don’t repeat myself individually over and over again… that leaves me with virtually nothing to talk about, because my life is utterly and completely boring.

There is no conversation, and I admit this is likely/mostly my fault, but when pretty much everyone is either stoned out of their mind, has a world view so narrow that it’s pointless to debate anything… or otherwise just… erm… has no ability to hold my attention, I must ask what the point of it is? …It all goes back to what I was saying a few days ago, relationships are completely unrewarding.

I guess I still have a long way to go… before I feel normal… but I can say that my tolerance and patience for others is pretty much non-existant.

What Color is Your Heart?

‘Mine is grey, it’s been damaged, probably would be better to just cut it out, not like I’m using it anyway. I might let a few people in, but for the most part caring just stings too much. I should go hide in the corner, it’s safer there.’

I had to paraphrase that because the grammar was just so fucking horrible.

I’m incredibly sick… have been for the past two days. I’ve not been able to keep anything down… and right now I’m starving, but fear of course, that if I dare eat anything of any substance up it will come moments later. Tasting it the second time is definitely not as enjoyable as the first, blech. I think I just totally overworked myself… damnit.