indiboi.com

You know… I’m not online at all like I used to be, and much to my surprise I rather like it. I realize that I’m missing nothing, dare I say absolutely nothing.

I’m not comfortable talking to anyone about how I feel… how I really feel that is… there are maybe two or three people that I sort of open up to, but… the majority of my online time is either working… which is something that I’ve come to dread… even though things have been “stable” over the last week… but the business has lost it’s lustre of before… it’s no longer thriving, it’s just surviving, and well… for what I’m getting paid at this point I don’t give a damn really… it’s just not enough to sit here.

Anyway… it seems like 80% of my online communications are people just bitching and complaining to me about all of the things that I could not possible care any less about… and I’m just simply realizing that I’m getting nothing out of the majority of my relationships. That is to say that they are completely unrewarding for me.

The events over the past few months have drastically changed me… I’m not sure if it’s for the better or for the worse… but the only people important to me are my family members… that includes DaVe in some twisted sort of way I guess.

I was thinking about this the other day… the only people that I really seem to care about are those that I’ve actually spent time with… I guess that’s normal, really… but all these random people that talk to me online, well, they’re just that for the most part, random people, they’re strangers… it’s just that I happen to talk with them on occasion.

Anyway, news on the homefront. Matt and I went to Lowes the other night, err, Saturday night I guess, I bought a whole bunch of paint and paint supplies, spackle, etc. Yesterday (Sunday) We painted the first & second coats of the Merlot colour in the hallway (unfortunately it will need at least one more coat, maybe a fourth… damn red and it’s horrible coverage!), and also I did some major spackle repair of some damage in the bathroom, did all kinds of nifty sanding, and… uh… then we painted that. The bathroom needs just one more coat too, damn these dark colours on light walls, lol… This will be one very interesting colour scheme when it’s finally done… very rich deep warm colours everywhere, yay! Oh, for those that care the bathroom’s colour is called “oyster shell” it’s this brownish colour, rather a really dark taupe shade.

So this morning comes more painting… whee! I’m still in pain from the dental stuff, but nothing at all like it was before Friday’s emergency visit… it’s just one of those things where there are only spurts of energy and I am just ultra grumpy as a result…. and at this point I’m really sick of the woosey (sp?) feeling the narcotics give me… and of course I won’t be able to get out and fill the vicodin prescription until probably Wednesday, and I have only two codeine tablets left… so it’s all about the rationing, heh.

Right, we have about three feet of snow at the moment… the doors won’t open, lol. This is why I made the trip out to Lowes on Saturday night… getting lots and lots of supplies for household projects… since we certainly can’t go anywhere else!

I’m just in a lot of pain… and heavily medicated. The tooth I had worked on Tuesday revolted and ‘died’ and thus I had to have that giant molar removed on Friday… had the dentist come in special just for me, hah. Anyway… It doesn’t hurt nearly as bad, but I’m still on heavy painkillers and probably will be for a few days, as there was a lot of “trauma” to my jaw and gums, etc. So for those who are concerned about me not being around, well, I’m doing household stuff, but I just don’t have any extended energy, plus I am a bit lightheaded sometimes… so I’m just not up to talking.

I have been trying for quite a long time to sleep and it just isn’t happening. I’m in total agony with this tooth… I’m pretty much regretting visiting the dentist on tuesday because I’m in 10,000 times more pain than before I went… this is that horrible slow painful throbbing agony, the kind that travels down the entire jaw… then up the side of my head… causing an enourmous and incurable earache and headache too. Over the counter pain relievers don’t do a thing, propox/percoset don’t do anything either… Orajel PM doesn’t help. I was so tired around 11pm/midnight… I thought that I’d be able to get to sleep regardless of the pain, but it seems to have grown even worse than earlier. In reality it’s probably that I’m just much less distracted than earlier, so I’m unintentionally concentrating on the pain. I think the next step is to start up with the vodka… heh… I’m calling the dentist in the morning, I really should have called today but I was in baltimore pretty much the entire day and I was still operating on the “it’ll be sore” idea… of course since this was done tuesday afternoon and now it’s friday morning, well… this isn’t sore, this is horror. Unfortunately I vaguely remember something about them not being open on Friday… ugh.

No, not shopping for whores… hah.

Okay, very tired, in agonizing pain (must call dentist in the morning), went to IKEA, spent too much money, went to macy’s, spent too much money.

I bought a bunch of misc stuff… mostly office/kitchen related, but then also a gigantic framed panoramic photo painting of NYC pre-WTC attacks (which is why I wanted it).. it’s beautiful. At Macy’s I bought a set of three cast iron pans/skillets… perfect for going from the stove to oven in one step… a set of six cordial glasses, all different.. very nice. Uhm.. yeah, I finally bought a set of knives, but not the expensive ones… just decent enough (at IKEA). Oh, uhhm… yeah, and Ralph Lauren sheets and a RL blanket.. so very nice. Oh.. and a bottle of Calvin Klein “Truth” heh… seemed appropriate and it smells quite nice, the ‘free gift’ was also awesome… or so said the crazy (in a good way) counter people…. lol. I love shopping at Macy’s, I don’t mind that I might pay more for whatever I’m buying because a) the store doesn’t have rednecks or otherwise low class/trashy people in it and b) the sales staff actually give a damn and thus are truly helpful.

So yeah, I spent too much… I was still within my “trip budget” but… I set it pretty high… lol. I guess I just needed a day away from everything shopping with my mum.

I think once the downstairs office/laundry room area is cleaned out (it was basically the junk storage/laundry area/dad’s office), I am going to make it my bedroom… but the key is that it’ll be only a bedroom, that is… a room with a bed… for sleeping. I’ll keep this room essentially as it is and replace this tiny twin bed with a couch… thus becoming my “office” area… I think it would work quite nicely. I desperately need a bigger bed and desperately need more space… so it works out I guess…. of course I wouldn’t have a TV in that room… or music, lol… so I dunno, it needs more planning of course, but it would work… especially if I put my wirelessly networked iBook in there… get a small stereo… instant access to file server’s massive mp3 archive! :-D

Yeah… so, right, this ciggie is finished so I’m going to sleep…

I was trying to explain something to DaVe lastnight… about how I always seem to second guess myself when thinking of doing things… particularly that have to deal with him.

So much of anything seems pointless if done solely for one’s self. I guess that’s why work seems so useless lately… why so much seems useless. When I was with davey I had a definite goal… I was building a business to support us and our life; I don’t have that anymore. There’s always been this lingering idea of a life with DaVe… not in the same relationship context, but… a life with someone else anyway, but I lost hope in that a long time ago. When he was here in December he rekindled that idea within me… but I realize more so than before that I do not, nor will I, have the energy to deal with and ultimately overcome these boulders meant only to be stumbling blocks. To get to that point would be too much like flying through a meteor shower and it seems like it’s just getting worse.

I’m having that same feeling now that I used to get… basically asking myself why I bother to deal with all this shit. I guess the answer is the same as it was back then too… because it’s this or nothing, and I guess I’m more comfortable settling for second or… third… or fourth best these days.

I guess I’m just fully disgruntled. I want my happy life back, damnit, and I want it back now. I want a love-filled relationship with davey again… I want to be able to spend time with him and enjoy being alive. I want my dad back… He’s pretty much the only person I ever felt truly comfortable talking with, outside of my therapist… and well, he was being paid to listen so it hardly counts… I’m basically in a never-ending exhaustion, I’m sick of pretty much everyone, with the exception of my brother david and my mom. Matt is driving me absolutely nuts… he’s just very disrespectful… to the point that I just feel like beating him to near death.

I’ve lost my boyfriend… this person that I care so deeply about, over the nearly two years… centered, foolishly, my life around… my future around… I lost my dad… sudden and unexpected death… and now I find myself so close to losing my best friend… I guess I could call him that… he’s not a boyfriend, though for many years I’d wanted him to be… but whatever I’d call him, well, I told him two months ago as we were laying down together.. my arms wrapped around him… that I was afraid of losing him… and while he probably had no inclination to think what I was… well, I’ve long been worried about him. He does all of these things that put him in danger, danger that he probably can’t see… but I can. I guess as I’ve written previously this week, well, it’s all becoming more clear… and it’s all becoming more of a concern than ever before. So I find myself wanting to just start grieving now… before he’s gone, so I’ll be able to continue as best as I can afterwards.

So anyway, the point of all this rambling is that when I was painting my room… while in reality it was for me, in my thinking it really wasn’t… it’s like I wanted to improve it for more than myself, I would think of DaVe and davey… I guess eventually DaVe might be here again and enjoy it… davey is much more unlikely of course.

I just… I don’t know where I’m headed anymore… or why I bother. My life has been so utterly destroyed over the past few months that I’m completely lost…. and all the paint, shelving, computers, and alcohol, well… none of it really makes a difference.

I guess this is also quite appropriate… While taking the photos of my room I, albeit accidently, smashed my favorite photo of davey, shattered the glass, and bent the frame… it’s destroyed…