indiboi.com

The pain throughout my jaw and head is certainly the result of the dentist yesterday. It’s still sore, narcotic pain relievers haven’t any effect on relieving the pain. I have a feeling though that my body is revolting against me in others ways I’d rather not describe here. My body has a rather obnoxious way of dealing with overwhelming stress and it also tends to find new ways of doing it, essentially trying to outsmart me. I’ve dealt with the headaches, to the extent I rarely do anything about them… last summer the backaches started… not surprisingly clearing up as soon as the stress cleared… so now it seems that the evil stress has tackled my digestive system… so ugh.

Uhm… today’s little incident with shelving was extremely frustrating… in the screaming sort of way. Turns out that the bastards that built the house decided that they’d do 24″ on center studs instead of the more standard 16″ …and since I had only 24″ shelves that use two support strips 16″ apart, well… that wasn’t going to work. So I decided to use hollow wall screws since they worked so well for the ikea shelf… of course that shelf has about 16 of them, hah! I put in the four screws, seems like it’ll hold, give it a yank to check…. the support strip flies off the wall, creating four giant holes. So now they’re patched with spackle like substance from the “patch stick” which, btw, is a total waste of money… that thing ran out almost instantly… and at $2.00 per stick, total ripoff! I’ll stick with the little tubs and spackle knives from now on.

I ended up putting the shelf over by the door, since that’s the only place available that I could find two studs 16″ apart. It’s a bit of a head injury hazard though, hahaha…

ERgh… backup script was a pain in my ass again this morning… then I ran it again and it worked just fine, I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I’m putting time on the mini-theory that it’s the hotsanic monitoring script that is interacting badly with it… so I’ve disabled that, and at 4:40 this coming morning we’ll see what happens… if I’m paged around 5:30… ugh, I’ll just start killing people randomly… well, not really, but I’ll be pissed.

Err, yeah… Ikea/baltimore tomorrow… and my room, pretty much complete minus plants and installing the ceiling fan remote: Here, have a look.

Dentist appointment this afternoon. Don’t think he used quite enough novacaine, silly me for totally not understanding his question asking me if my lip was feeling fat, because it actually wasn’t, but I responded that it was… because I was thinking tongue, which was as numb as could be. So, uhm, yeah, it HURT… but I hate that needle, so what the hell, right? …So he tells me it’ll be sore, riiiight, more like horrible throbbing endless agony. Several tylenol… no effect, percoset… no effect. Oh well.

I just got back from a quick little shopping adventure, mostly helping my mom pick out colours and such for the remodel; I also bought a bunch of shelves for the one wall… this time they’re actually for books. I guess that’ll be my little project for tomorrow, since today was mostly running around after the dentist and misc work beforehand. I also need to upgrade the perlbill installation for PFWS, the current version is doing all sorts of horrible stupid things with invoices… I swear, fix one bug with that thing and forty more show up to take its place.

Uhm, yeah… had a bit of a panic attack when I got home too… more for what was expected than the reality… I guess it just goes to show that I’m not anywhere near back to any sort of normal yet.

Damnit… I was asleep, before I wanted to be and now of course when I want to be asleep, I can’t seem to get comfortable enough.

I try to back out of my feelings, things I’ve felt, still feel, but I try to hide them. I say to myself, even while… … …I felt this way still. I don’t know if it’s true or not, it bothers me. It bothers me that I might… and I have said this to be truth, have not loved truthfully… that portions of my heart had remained and still remain devoted to others. It’s futile for me to be concerned that I wasn’t being fair to someone… when ultimately they have been most unfair to me.

It wasn’t all of the time, I know that at least. Just sometimes… I would think of DaVe or Adam… and I guess in reality it wasn’t them… it was just my memories of them. I remember them in ways that are not accurate to how they really are. I guess that’s why I’m dissapointed so often, because no single person ever really lives up to my expectations of them, because… well, it’s mostly impossible anyway.

At the end of May last year I sent Davey this candle… and some mini silk roses. I bought myself the same candle… in my hopelessly romantic heart… something to bind us together over the distance. I hadn’t burned that candle since he’s been here… until tonight. I bought him the same mini silk roses a couple months back… but white versus red… I never sent them.

I have this card… and little teddy bear with hershey’s hugs & kisses in his arms. It was that night where I agonized over if I should get davey something… I didn’t. I bought these things for DaVe, but… again, I hadn’t sent them. I guess there’s still time, but… it just doesn’t seem right. It feels as though some sort of wave hit me shortly after I bought them… ushering in delusion crushing reality.

I guess it’s been about five months since davey and I… well, correction, since davey decided to abruptly end everything between us without explanation. I also guess it’s about two months since I tried to talk to him. I want to say that I finally gave up, but I never did… I still love him as much as that moment when I kissed him… when he kissed me. I feel how I did that evening at the airport… when I didn’t want to let him go… but I knew, I absolutely knew… that I’d see him again, to expand upon the wonder that was our time together. I was absolutely wrong.

I feel this pain inside me… the feeling of being completely stressed out, overwhelmed, even when relaxing, I’m drowning in broken glass.

My super hero is back! Yes, that would be Andy for everyone not paying attention.