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I wish I had someone to talk to, in the sense that I would be comfortable talking to… because I guess all of the people I do talk to, well… I guess I just don’t trust anyone with my feelings anymore. After all this time between the… disaster that was the end of my relationship with davey and my dad dying… all these emotions, that were… I guess raw and exposed, well, they’ve condensed into rather intense and concentrated sorts of things. I suppose most of my time is spent avoiding them, escaping them in some way, which is why I won’t drink anymore too, because that would expose them to me without the ability to stop them.

Sometimes things just don’t work out as planned, it’s obvious, but… when they’re your most important and valued plans, the ones you don’t make any sort of backup for… I found myself thinking about that about a half hour ago… if things worked out as planned, well, I’d be asleep right now with davey in my arms… my dad would be asleep with mom in his, I guess.

I was thinking about DaVe too… and how he was here, literally, when I needed someone. I’ve written about that a lot of course… but in my delusional world I was making up some sort of excuse, I guess… and excuse for what exactly, well, I’m not sure… well, no, I know why, it’s like… when you’re with someone else and your heart is elsewhere… I guess in real world sorts of terms it was nothing, but to me it means a lot… probably the most important thing. I know I’m not making any sense, or, I’m probably not making any sense, but… I’m just uncomfortable.

I did too much thinking today… I guess it’s because I didn’t drive myself with such ferocious desire to work today as I normally do. I took my mom to Antrim House for dinner, in that oh so quaint little town of Greencastle… and while there my nose was itchy around my nosering. It came to me that this will be the third year of having it. That in itself isn’t a big deal I guess, but there are a lot of Pittsburgh memories that surround it… my life has changed so much since then, it’s rather unbelievable even to me. All these experiences, good and bad, they’re fading so quickly. I’ve not seen Paul since Newyears, when it became 2001… coming back from dropping DaVe off after he spent that week here the first time. My brother said he saw him at some arcade in Hagerstown… I meant to go see if it was really him, but I never did… I don’t know, I always think that I’m not wanted since the other person hasn’t tried to reach me…. as far as I know.

I think I meantioned talking to Stephen the other night, it’s always so strange to talk to him, because we both seem to always skirt around the fact that we had a life together once… that we lived together…loved each other, revisionist history aside.

Ultimately I suppose I’m living in the past instead of the present… because the present leads to a future so uncertain… Uncertainty is always there of course, but before, well, I had plans, plans that were attainable. I don’t even want to try to make plans anymore… because, well, ….because I’m scared. I’m afraid of failing too, even if it’s not my own failure, it’s still failure anyway, it’s not about trying, it’s about succeeding, and while without humility I can say that I’m successful…. there are huge pieces of the puzzle missing, some gone forever, some I might say I’d do anything to get back.

I’d like to say that I don’t know what it is about the boy, but in some way I think I do know. I still miss him… and I worry about him. I’m not asking for much, only some time… to talk. It just doesn’t stop though… this feeling, somewhat like an emptiness… I do all this stuff, increasingly so… it occupies my time and for the moment proves to be a distraction; however, when it’s all over and I get ready to sleep, well… all those feelings come right back. I’m doing more than everything I can think of, but I still feel so terrible…

The other night DaVe called, but not my cellphone, he called the regular house phone… which is rarely answered anyway. I’d managed to lose the “when dad gets home…” sort of thought, but the one that came across my mind, and heart, when mom knocked on the door to tell me the phone was for me, well… it was the same sort of urgent knocking when dad collapsed… it wasn’t as severe, but… it reminded me of that moment, and when she had the phone in her hand I thought it was him. Yes… I thought it was my dead father calling me. It was just a second, but it affected me quite a bit, obviously.

So, finally, for the first time ever, I have an easel… bless those 40% off ac moore coupons, eh? I guess wednesday night is turning into craft store night, lol, but it works. Though I can’t really think of anything else that I really need, I just need to start actually working on more things now. These things I do though… sewing, candlemaking, soapmaking, painting, glass etching, glass painting, cooking, candy making, house remodeling stuff.. so much stuff to the point I know I’m leaving a lot out; none of it, as I mentioned earlier, either helps with these horrible run-on sentances, nor helps me feel all that better ultimately. I do have an incredible feeling of accomplishment that comes from completing something, taking a pile of raw materials and constructing something useful and valuable to me.

I guess this is a bit random, but I’d really like to see Adam, I know that it wouldn’t be like before, but… I guess that’s how I feel about DaVe too; the moments that I remember fondly are unlikely to ever repeat or moreso, unlikely to be similar… I’m not the person they would like me to be, and they’re not who I’d like them to be… we realize it, generally, but there are moments where we don’t… and I guess that’s where the problems arise from.

I was thinking earlier today how I’d like to go home… home for me, it seems, is still pittsburgh… I just remember being there with such fondness. I guess I miss Stephen too, but only a little, because I know he’d probably drive me absolutely insane rather insantly… none the less, there were times where, briefly, he was everything I could ever want… unfortunately, I guess, it just was overwhelmed by the negative friction… same as I mentioned before… we just were not who each other wanted. I suppose that’s how it still is… and seems as though it will be for a while yet.

I was doing quite well with the whole sewing thing until today. I determined that I absolutely hate putting elastic into shorts… of course it wasn’t helping that I have a sinus headache the size of rhode island. Ultimatley they turned out okay, but, blah… So I started on a shirt made out of this sort of ultra-fake suede material… all was going fairly well I guess, until I tried it on, slightly on the small side even though I measured and allowed for some extra… damnit. I decided to finish it anyway and it ended up being rather small… it drove me nuts. I believe it to be the fabric, and the pattern, heh… After everything, particularly the waste of time and effort, that this pattern was designed for much more stretchy fabric, which is a shame since it would have been rather nice… so damnit again.

There seems to be this horrible difference between the size I actually am and the size I wear… it makes no sense to me at all. I mean… I always thought, perhaps mistakenly, that the size of the pants is actually, in inches, the size of the waist… and I’m thinking, well, if such and such a size falls off me and I need a belt, then I must be smaller than that, right? Wrong. I’m way bigger than my pants size, but patterns are even weirder, *sigh* it’s like they go in different directions… for these pants, I’m like ten sizes bigger than what I would buy… it’s craziness.

Since I seem to be destroying everything I touch today, well, I’m off to bed.

I guess it was the day before yesterday, I made my first pillar candle. It’s a light sort of celery green with great a great mottle all over it, and a lovely scent called “summer lawn”, it’s absolutely great. I sewed a caftan yesterday… just because I’d always wanted one, even if it serves no real purpose, and the fabric was only $1.00 per yard at walmart, so why not, eh? That’s really it… I’ve been working sporadicly on some more cerebral projects, but they’re more of the work for hire sort, so nothing really to discuss.