Nights like this.
I wish I had someone to talk to, in the sense that I would be comfortable talking to… because I guess all of the people I do talk to, well… I guess I just don’t trust anyone with my feelings anymore. After all this time between the… disaster that was the end of my relationship with davey and my dad dying… all these emotions, that were… I guess raw and exposed, well, they’ve condensed into rather intense and concentrated sorts of things. I suppose most of my time is spent avoiding them, escaping them in some way, which is why I won’t drink anymore too, because that would expose them to me without the ability to stop them.
Sometimes things just don’t work out as planned, it’s obvious, but… when they’re your most important and valued plans, the ones you don’t make any sort of backup for… I found myself thinking about that about a half hour ago… if things worked out as planned, well, I’d be asleep right now with davey in my arms… my dad would be asleep with mom in his, I guess.
I was thinking about DaVe too… and how he was here, literally, when I needed someone. I’ve written about that a lot of course… but in my delusional world I was making up some sort of excuse, I guess… and excuse for what exactly, well, I’m not sure… well, no, I know why, it’s like… when you’re with someone else and your heart is elsewhere… I guess in real world sorts of terms it was nothing, but to me it means a lot… probably the most important thing. I know I’m not making any sense, or, I’m probably not making any sense, but… I’m just uncomfortable.
I did too much thinking today… I guess it’s because I didn’t drive myself with such ferocious desire to work today as I normally do. I took my mom to Antrim House for dinner, in that oh so quaint little town of Greencastle… and while there my nose was itchy around my nosering. It came to me that this will be the third year of having it. That in itself isn’t a big deal I guess, but there are a lot of Pittsburgh memories that surround it… my life has changed so much since then, it’s rather unbelievable even to me. All these experiences, good and bad, they’re fading so quickly. I’ve not seen Paul since Newyears, when it became 2001… coming back from dropping DaVe off after he spent that week here the first time. My brother said he saw him at some arcade in Hagerstown… I meant to go see if it was really him, but I never did… I don’t know, I always think that I’m not wanted since the other person hasn’t tried to reach me…. as far as I know.
I think I meantioned talking to Stephen the other night, it’s always so strange to talk to him, because we both seem to always skirt around the fact that we had a life together once… that we lived together…loved each other, revisionist history aside.
Ultimately I suppose I’m living in the past instead of the present… because the present leads to a future so uncertain… Uncertainty is always there of course, but before, well, I had plans, plans that were attainable. I don’t even want to try to make plans anymore… because, well, ….because I’m scared. I’m afraid of failing too, even if it’s not my own failure, it’s still failure anyway, it’s not about trying, it’s about succeeding, and while without humility I can say that I’m successful…. there are huge pieces of the puzzle missing, some gone forever, some I might say I’d do anything to get back.