indiboi.com

I hate people. Wait, maybe that wasn’t strong enough… I HATE PEOPLE!

I hate dealing with people on Monday especially. I hate even more so dealing with STUPID people that let things sit idle for a fucking month then expect me to give a damn and compensate for their stupidity and apathy — definitely not part of my job description. As the saying goes, I give them enough rope to hang themselves, and far too often they jump right into the rope, eagerly tightening the noose.

I’m not talking about any person in particular, so don’t get all paranoid that I’m talking about you, it’s just all of those explosive annoyances that culminate together.

I restarted painting tonight, just more colour glazes on the two boys kissing.

I’m haunted by so many things… it seems that nearly every other song I listen to I realize that the lyrics are what davey would write in away messages.

That dream I wrote lastnight… I know exactly what it means, the symbolism couldn’t be any more explicit. I’m so fiercly protective, even when I ought not to be.

The other day I was starting to worry a bit about DaVe… then I find myself thinking that I’ve worried enough about him for a lifetime already. The morning after he was online, sending me ridiculous messages… lyrics to one of the world’s dumbest songs. I thought to myself, “well, he’s alive.” and I went along with my business. My… attention to him seems to wax and wain randomly… but I think that is representative of almost all of my relationships anymore.

I’m a realist, I like directness… I don’t create drama… as far as I’m aware… little things are just that… little, and I don’t need reason #9,928,951 to care or not to care, because I just do. I won’t pretend I care when I don’t, and I won’t come running to help because when I get there, there isn’t anything to do.

I think that I’m just too timid these days, too easily discouraged. Maybe because I know I just don’t have the follow through… “I just can’t finish what I started.” …but I wish he could.

This whole candle thing very much a science. It turns out that the wicks I bought for the 9oz jars and votives are actually too small… so they’re leaving a bit of unused wax on the sides of the glass… bugger. They’re adequate, but just not good enough for my ridiculously high standards; another order in for supplies, yay, huh? The good thing is that some of the wicks I can use for the 6oz tins… they work just fine. ;) I’m a bit happier with the scent throw of the candles since I’ve started using this special container wax from astorlite, it just needs a larger wick than what I was using originally to melt fully.

The irony is that while the HTP31 wicks seem to be too small, the next size up, HTP41, well, they seem to be too large… for the votives at least.

I can’t blame television interference on this one, because I conveniently turned it off before going to sleep lastnight. I feel like it’s a blend of personal issues and random unrelated sci-fi programs, haha.

First off I’m aboard the starship voyager [insert laugh], but it’s been reduced to about the size of the actual model used to film the show… but that also means so have I and all the other people. Of course the crew of the ship has been replaced with the people from Farscape… mostly the evil miltary people.

We’re trying to escape… we being some girl, I’m not sure who exactly… this boy that sort of morphs between childhood Matt, Eryk, and Davey randomly… which is freaky enough on its own really… and myself of course.

So this girl and I find our way into a Star Trek Next Generation version shuttle… but can’t figure out how to make the transporter work… and these soliders are chasing us, so we go ahead and close the door and leave morphing boy behind… even though we tried. So we’re out of the ship… only to find that these mini-sized ships are actually in our neighbor’s yard… previous to the newish house built there… and when we exit the shuttle we regain our normal size, so that shuttle actually would fit in our hands. Somehow we get back in, not using any sort of amazing shrink ray or anything… and keep trying to work the transporter to get morphing boy.

I guess we manage to get him, but in the process also get the guy that had abducted him.. sort of reminds me of that commander from farscape… Kraise I think his name is. I suppose this is where you insert the movie-esque quick romantic/sexy reunion followed by mad dash escape sort of deal.

We’re in the front yard of my house and somehow both morph boy and I have these giant swords… Morph boy stabs the guy in the lower back… and I stab him through the chest… so he’s quite obviously dead… I ask Morph boy if the guy had fucked him, he said yes… so I sliced off that guy’s dick, hah.

Very strange indeed.

I still miss davey and quite truthfully I hate that I do. Intellectually I wouldn’t want anything to do with him if I were to meet him now, because he’s continuing to spiral downward into this mess of a person. It seems harsh to say that, but… it is how I feel afterall.

The closest thing I can compare it to, if I had to… and I think I do… is Stephen and our separation of sorts. He was always a very difficult person to live with… even be friends with… since most anyone, unfortunately, that was a friend of mine could barely tolerate him. It just grew to a point one day… something a stupid as a pair of pants was the final straw… I remember driving out of this shopping center north of Pittsburgh basically screaming that he’s getting on a plane and going back to California. I guess it was the kind of thing that one thinks, but doesn’t say… until it just errupts. I eventually calmed down and changed my mind… I didn’t want to abandon him… and on a more selfish level I didn’t want to be alone… even if it meant being a bit… err, very, unhappy sometimes.

I suppose I was just as determined back then… not wanting to admit failure or accept defeat. I don’t remember how much time had passed, but I finally had reached an agreement and saved enough money so that I could get my Tiburon back. Joel and I had also been talking again… and I guess I needed a vacation or something… maybe I was trying to see if it was more worthwhile to be with him, I just don’t know.. I never knew, really, what I was thinking. Part of me wanted Stephen to come with me to Baltimore… spend that weekend with him, but he couldn’t or wouldn’t come.

Being with Joel wasn’t what I had hoped it would be, I was dissapointed from the very first moment of seeing him… it seemed like such a waste of effort in a way… from Pittsburgh to Baltimore… for a hug, some alcohol… nothing much more. We were, as always, looking for different things… I suppose I was hoping to restart our relationship… hah, listen to me… I’m living with this guy, mostly on a level of friendship at that point… a strained one at that… I guess it wasn’t so ridiculous to go see my exboyfriend, eh? …It was a mistake. It may have had nothing to do with it, but right as I was leaving to return to Pittsburgh Stephen phoned and told me that he had a plane ticket back to California. I was devastated.

I had never felt to terrible so quickly… part of me didn’t want to continue at all.

I wouldn’t speak to him once I got back… I came into the apartment, put my stuff down and went outside to smoke. I came back inside, and started drinking… anything alcoholic. I sat down at my computer and just started crying without end. I don’t want to say that he was oblivious, but… he would ask me what was wrong… and put his arms around me. I hated every second of that, because it only made it worse. I’ve not thought about this period for a very long time, but even to this day I detest him touching me. If it was going to be over I wanted it to be over… at least at the time I did.

Melanie was away visiting friends or parents or something that week… he slept in her room. I suppose a few days later my feelings changed to more of a desire to take every moment we had and cherish it; either that or I wanted to convince him to stay. It wasn’t working.

I found out that the bakery I managed was sold… I couldn’t stand the new owner… the morning I found out I quit. I went home and started packing and left the next day, leaving Stephen alone. I remember wanting to hold him that night though… he wouldn’t let me. I said something to him… that someday he’ll love someone like I love him… and he’ll understand. I don’t know if that has ever been proven true.

I previously wrote about going back a week later to see him before he left… He wouldn’t talk to me. I couldn’t understand it then, but I do now.. I guess. I didn’t know what to do in such a situation… it was a bit passive agressive or something… the basic ‘You’re leaving me? …no, I’ll leave you first!’ sort of thing.

It was two years before we spoke again on a friendly basis. It’s more weird because it is as though we never had a relationship… it’s cold, but then he just blurts out rather intimate things. It feels like… well, if I was sitting a cafe and some random guy came up and started talking to me about things that… normally wouldn’t be spoken to a stranger. I suppose I had grown comfortable with the idea of him being gone forever… When you want someone back in your life so badly… but ultimately realize it isn’t going to happen… then what seems like forever later… there they are… like nothing had ever happened.

Like how I feel towards davey… I wouldn’t like him… I don’t think I like Stephen… very much, but I love him… the level of intimacy, emotional bonding between us from our time together; it just doesn’t go away… ever. Now that he’s back I don’t want to be without him, but in that same thought I do somewhat wish we would still be strangers. It feels not as though we know each other, but we know of each other. I can’t explain it. It’s almost movie-esque; meeting your highschool love once you’ve matured… having this mindset of what they’re like, but realizing they are nothing at all like the person you’d fallen in love with.

I’m not the same person either though… I hope I’m changed for the better, but being one’s own judge is never the same as the judgement of another.

Ultimately though, regardless of bitterness, I so strongly hope that davey finds the security and happiness that he needs… without further compromising his health, safety, or losing any more of the beauty that attracted me.