Six hours from Mourning.
My mind has been rather a jumble over the last few days… While I’ve barely had the time to actually write since Saturday, I probably wouldn’t have been able to anyway.
Saturday night was rewarding and very difficult, pushing myself too far too fast perhaps, I don’t regret a moment of it though, at least not anymore; though, I did initially. I can’t proclaim the same level of virtuousness as previously, of course, not that I did generally. I can though admit to myself, and to, well, two people, that I have a major emotional blockage… that titanium reinforced twelve foot thick concrete wall; and I asked for help.
DaVe arrived here safely, if only a bit disgruntled, we had an enjoyable meal at Eat ‘n Park somewhere in the general Harrisburg area; he was, of course, socially innapropriate with our waiter Jeremy… I do believe we scared him away (if we didn’t scar him for life). I tipped him well as compensation though, haha.
Shortly after arriving home and getting settled, which includes DaVe de-filthing himself, hah, Mike phoned; so we drove out to nowhere to pick him up. We stopped at the grocery store, oh my lord, that was a scene… I suppose it set the tone for the evening (unbridled insanity). We’re all so… scary and adorable together. So, I find myself, instead of one, with two, each fulfilling or otherwise lessening that void that had been left after all these months. It will be as it is, in tumult and ecstasy.
I feel like I’m getting back to being the me that I enjoyed being, it’s only taken four years perhaps. I really do wish I had started this journal during that revision of life. I can much more easily cope with the depths of depression when they are countered by the mania of rapidly living. The important factor now is that I know, or at least have some general idea, of how to cope… that the pain is part of the process.
I’m breaking out of this shell… to be ever so cliched. I feel so determined to make things better, not only for myself — though primarily, but for those around me also. I don’t want a boyfriend… I think I’ve found something even better… and I told him tonight, that I feel as though he’s better than a boyfriend; not including sex… well… let’s just say, that it’s a non-issue now, I suppose. I think I can reach the level of happiness that I’ve been wanting… and with these people in my life, on a more direct basis, I will again have the motivation that I have been lacking for so long.
And on a completely random closing note, the massage melts I had made a couple of weeks ago, they are exquisite. Imagine something that is solid until in contact with the body (thus no worries of spillage), that is extremely nourishing to the skin, warms and lubricates, lasts as long as necessary, and when no longer being used (i.e. the massage is over) quickly is absorbed without leaving any sort of oily, sticky, or otherwise unpleasant residue. I just need to teach one of these boys how to give a real massage so that I can benefit from these little amazements. :-D