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I want him out of my bed. I can’t sleep with him in it, and I can’t sleep elsewhere in this house, I just came back from trying. Those benefits I was writing about just a few days ago seemed to have vanished, because everytime I put my arm around him he picks it up and pushes it away. Yesterday when he woke up he appologized for doing that saying his back was hurting and the added pressure made it worse; fair enough… but, I’m beginning to not see any benefit to being cramped on the bed… I’m just… angsty I guess. We were talking about it yesterday morning on the deck when we came back from Washington, that he’s kind of uncomfortable with the physical affection since his ex… whom I apparently missed being part of his life. I’m not going to stop doing certain things… at least not permanently… or maybe I do, it’s hard to say. I’m just reaching my breaking point I guess. Maybe it’s just the tension of being around each other so much… it always seems that about a week in, when he’s about to leave, I get a little anxious with him.

I don’t know what he’s going to do… I almost feel like I’ve gone out on a limb for him and he’s decided to saw it off, with this whole him living here thing. Most of the time it’s really good to be around him, but it seems like the more we define our relationship the more he sort of fails with his end of the bargain. Regardless though, over the past two nights he’s not been what I needed… and that is a problem.

Part of me is about to wake him up and kick him out of my bed, so that I can sleep… he can go sleep on my brother’s bed, since David (brother) has left for Illinois as of Saturday. It’s a big deal for me to be uncomfortable enough to grab my pillow and a blanket and leave the bed, which I did… about an hour ago.

I guess the bottom line is that I’m tired, uncomfortable, need some affection… and all of this is combining to make me disgruntled and not satisfied. I’m really hoping I get to see Mike today, but most importantly if I do see him, that whatever he wanted to talk about the other night is not going to impact his and my relationship, because if it would turn out that this isn’t going to work, I’m going to be very unhappy very quickly. I’d probably end up sending DaVe home earlier than the planned date of the 11th; because without the countering, I just don’t think it’ll work.

I’ll just view everything as my attempt at trying to make life work again, and I’ll probably just give up for a while, giving up perhaps too easily, but I got in over my head with too much too quickly. I need constant positive stimulus to keep from crashing out into depression. I suppose since September I’ve been in a functional depressive state. I kind of think I caused him to piss himself last weekend, when I blurted out that I hate myself, my life, and that I really regret not shooting myself back on my birthday. I keep waiting for life to get better, and I guess there are bits and pieces here and there that make life a little bit worthwhile, but overall, I’m still so incredibly unhappy with everything. I’m angry, angry about so many things.

I just want that life with Davey that I’d dreamed for so long about having. Though I really don’t ever want to love like that again. I suppose that’s why part of me thinks I should stop seeing Mike… even though he brings me tremendous happiness; the very fact that not seeing him — or rather — the potential idea of not seeing him, would make me so unhappy, that almost says to me that I already care too much. Part of me wants to be in a position where I don’t care either way if I see him again or not, but that just is not the way that I function.

So, yeah, I’m looking in the wrong places for the wrong things, or would that be the right things in the wrong places? I just don’t know… I just need a level of comfort and affection, but more importantly I need to receive affection, because I’m just constantly giving it anymore with so many people. For a while I thought that things were actually going to be okay around here without my dad… but, more and more I’m just getting stressed out over it, things can’t ever be the same, and I don’t think that the new normal is one that I can tolerate, but I feel trapped more and more each day.

I’m spiralling again, except for this time it’s just different than before.

I was going to make this private, but I’ve been doing far too much of that lately. I just need to relax; I’m regretting being uncomfortable now; I had my chance and I willingly gave it up, and the pisser of it is that I keep doing that. I’m not being selfish enough, I don’t know if I really can be either; five chances that I gave up… I’m just sick of it. I need to disregard feelings in others that aren’t on the surface, and not really care about the ramifications of actions when they’re mutually agreed upon, if the shit hits the proverbial fan, then so be it.