indiboi.com

I remake memories when the original ones are unpleasant to remember. I think that’s one of the reasons reading some news about Davey almost two weeks ago was especially difficult, because those memories were being remade with someone else. DaVe makes me gloriously happy, but he’s not enough… and I learned a while back not to try to make him into all that I needed; even if on some level I think it would be perfect. I think perhaps some of the things I tell myself, they’re almost like a mantra, in hopes that I finally start believing in them… and for the most part I suppose it has worked.

There’s still this image that flows to mind though… falling into a pit filled with broken bones; that’s where my heart goes sometimes. I’m a very tactile person, words haven’t ever really been enough for me, not enough to express how I feel… and thus touch always seems to work better. There are times though, when I can’t be tactile; when I’m pushed away. I think those simple little actions are what hurts more than anything, because it’s instant and direct rejection. No matter how diligently that I try, I can’t ever really overcome that; perhaps it is just another part of why I find that one person cannot satisfy me in the way that one may another. I have some deep rooted jealousy.

The placebo can have side effects just as well as the real thing can… particuarly when the real thing is so close that you can literally taste it. Ultimately though, I really do love him and I know that he really does love me; it’s just there are things that we look at differently. He misses his boyfriend.. even if it seems as though every moment of it is full of loathsome drama from my point of view; and likewise, I suppose I miss mine, even though he’s not my boyfriend, but something lighter and less filling.

So here I am… so close to the things and people that are and will continue to make me happy, so once again I’m just a terrified little boy; I’m terrorized by the thought of all of it crumbling around me. I guess I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, even if they really know it might not be.

We went to Washington, DC lastnight, to Soho. I’ve taken two other people to Soho since I had left my fagtastic life down there years ago, neither really appreciated it, Lewis didn’t really care that he was there, and Davey, I don’t know… perhaps there was just too much tension between us to just relax. With DaVe it was really nice, beyond words really, I suppose that’s part of the beauty of being around someone that has at least some kind of understanding how certain places can mean so very much to someone, to me.

I also can’t really verbalize how much relief it is giving me to finally be able to discuss these things that have weighed so heavily upon me for the past six months or more. My body is even appreciating the new relaxed atmosphere, I haven’t had a muscle tension/stress headache since DaVe has been here — at least none that I can attribute stress as being the cause of.

I guess, in general the average happiness level is increased over standard now, but in no way are things yet to a level of perfection that I desire… they never really will be, we all do, well, at least I do, find things to continually improve, and thus there are always new things to complain about and wish were better.

So, perhaps it isn’t enough now, but will eventually be enough. The thing I worry about is the unwanted depression that always seems to soak in once DaVe leaves… I get so used to the companionship, and then it’s gone… which is another reason that I’m considering going back with him…. just for a few days. It sort of depends on a lot of things I guess… I really want to spend time with Mike though, I’m hoping that will happen tomorrow… if not tomorrow on Wednesday. I think DaVe is looking to go back ‘home’ on the 11th.

Yesterday was mostly spent asleep, and judging from the time it seems as though today will have been spent similarly. It is so gratifying in a way… to look over and see this beautiful boy on my bed, the feeling is so good that nothing else really matters most of the time.

Apparently DaVe snapped these photos yesterday (err, Thursday), while I was using the tiller. I need to impress upon everyone that using that thing is considerably more difficult than it appears. The terrible posture in the first photo is indicative of needing to use my weight to an advantage, lol.

Anyway, we have the new sidewalk installed, with the exception of four more blocks… we never buy enough when it comes to the concrete stuff.

I really want one of the new Toyota Prius cars, the not yet production 2004 model. There are so many things to like about it, but most importantly the fact that it’s hybrid and thus extremely fuel efficient. Yeah, we were checking those out earlier today.

Yesterday we went and rented a gas powered tiller to make chomping the lawn and earth up an easier task. In reality, while it was more efficient, it wasn’t necessarily easier. This tiller was HUGE, so huge that it was nearly impossible to move it without actually having it running; furthermore, it took all of my strength and body weight to keep it from moving OVER the ground, versus digging into it. I do think the next time we don’t need the “extra heavy duty commercial” one, haha… we need the fairy version. You can just feel muscles enlarging though when using it… seriously, shoulders and arms just seem so much… bigger, lol.

I made a somwhat failed attempt at solid massage type product lastnight containing aloe and lots of vitamin e, I added too much beeswax so it was difficult to melt and left these little pellets, it was kind of gross, but it did feel good — very soothing to the sunburn. This morning I remelted it and added more oils, it’s much better now; I’m hoping it will help eliminate the tendency for the skin to crack or flake or otherwise get icky… the peppermint, aloe, and vitamin e from the safflower oil, etc, should do an adequate job; the peppermint in particular is nice and cooling. When I did the remelt this morning I poured it into this rubber heart shaped mold we’d bought on our most recent shopping excursion, they seem to be the perfect size and are rather cute also.

DaVe is still napping, I just woke up a little while ago… it seems pretty soon here we’ll need to get motivated and work with the cement paving block things we got this morning.

Oh yeah, lastnight we made shish kabobs with shrimp, beef, chicken, green pepper, onion, and pineapple… they were so very good; although the chicken seemed a little gooey to me. It was so nice to sit out on the deck, by candle light and just ramble endlessly. I’m kind of hoping that it’s just another step towards the woman (mom) being cool with the idea of him staying here permanently if we’d choose that route. It’s still a little nervous though, not really sure what’s going to happen in the short term future. I know he’ll be going back perhaps in a week… There are things he needs to take care of in either case.

I’m strongly on the idea of getting a bigger bed… of course, if he would move here, and bring hs bed, then we’d have a bigger bed, without having to actually purchase one… I guess that’s where my whole impatience deal comes in, lol. I want a bigger bed now! ;) In reality this tiny one isn’t bad, but I know we’d be more comfortable if we could actually spread out. It makes me wonder how my mom feels when she sees me in bed with a guy… even if we are only sharing the bed, versus… and we have tshirts/boxers on. I’ve never really given it too much thought, but she woke us up this morning (painfully early too I might add).

Anyway, I might be able to spend time with Mike either Monday or Wednesday, but he wants to talk to me before then… about something. It does make me a little paranoid, because so many things come to mind; I just hope it isn’t something negative. I felt as though we had a fairly indepth discussion on Sunday morning about things, but then again it was mostly me talking and him listening, so perhaps it’s my turn to listen. Again, though, I hope it isn’t something negative… intensifications I can deal with, but a lessening of what we have going on would be dissapointing.

Yesterday morning DaVe and I watched Total Eclipse while I was imbibing of the Harvey Wallbangers. I was so delightfully drunk, a feeling I couldn’t even remember the last time I had — just drinking for the fun of it all, versus trying to wash away something… I woke up in the middle of the night with a “what the hell?” “I was asleep?” “How’d he get into bed?” type thought train, lol. I’m such a light sleeper generally, I had some of the best sleep in a long time, apparently nothing could wake me out of that deep sleep, lol.

Oh how I adore the Harvey Wallbanger; Orange Juice, Vodka, and Galliano, it’s nearly perfection. Anyway, yesterday was major yardwork day, we actually managed to get outside and be motivated around eight AM or so; we did edging around the driveway, supervised delivery of the new stones, started tearing up the ground for the new planting beds, etc. DaVe was a little too motivated for me come the end of the day though, I just wanted to crash out, heh. I guess we’re really supposed to be out there now working, but I just don’t see that happening, since I just woke up and he’s still sleeping.

Well, not particularly… that was just the manic idea that came bubbling out of my pysche while attempting to sleep just moments ago. DaVe’s sleeping schedule and my sleeping schedule are a little bit out of balance with each other, I think it’s just a matter of the world’s time, inditime, and, well, weird sleep schedules in general just needing to adjust to each other. I was thinking of writing some sort of filter for this journal that would allow a “click here to read” warning before actually showing the text of the entry; somewhat of a third level protection, since I have the obsfucated entries and the completely private entries, just a way to ask “Do you really want to know about this?” before the person is subjected to whatever it happens to be, lol.

Yesterday was kind of the epitomy of anti-motivation… we didn’t really get to sleep until it was daylight as a result of our lengthy conversation. We did enjoy a rather pleasant drink out on the deck though early yesterday morning/Monday night, which prompted the purchase of citronella candles lastnight while on our trip to walmart. Those little mosquito buggers are enjoying the wet weather apparently.

We heard some troubling news yesterday morning though, DaVe’s boyfriend was in an automobile ‘incident’ …I’m not sure when exactly, but from all indications it doesn’t seem that the phrase ‘car accident’ really applies, it seems intentional, which is all the more disturbing. I don’t really understand their relationship, not so much for lack of trying… maybe part of me does understand and that is why I don’t fully approve of it. When it comes to DaVe I am extremely protective, but hopefully not overly so; it just seems that there are so many people that just, for lack of better term, abuse him for fun. I know, or feel, that perhaps many of the situations could have been avoided, but I also remember getting myself into less than good situations for potentially the same general reasons that I think he gets into them. The way I look at it though, it’s time for healing all around, and as much as it may be unpleasant, we just can’t have those around us who aren’t willing to get the help they need, when the help they need cannot be provided by anyone other than a professional. Back when I went into heavy therapy I needed to cut out so many “toxic” people from my life… some I invited back, but most of them I’ve long since lost touch with… my life is better without them bringing me down. I suppose the key here is there are people out there that are good for us, and there are people that only make us feel good temporarily, all the while actually making daily life more difficult and ultimately painful. I just want to see him with someone that treats him well, someone that isn’t going to disregard how he feels; it’s time for us to be selfish, the time for giving of ourselves endlessly is over.

Sidenote related once again, we did go shopping again lastnight, back to the outlet centre, and purchased several of the items we were “thinking about” the first time we went, lol. The primary goal was to purchase additional sheets for the bed; of course I’m extremely demanding and snobbish when it comes to such, so this does prove a difficult task. We just couldn’t find the right colours and thread counts, I swear we were in there for at least forty-five minutes, hah! Finally though, I settled on a wonderfully luxurious 300 thread count set, it’s an aqua-teal sort of colour… and also picked up a set of dark grayish blue 250 thread count. I forget what the Ralph Lauren sheets are in that regard, but they are incredibly comfortable. All hail to pretentiousness and snobbery, right?

After hearing about the corduroy jacket incident several dozen times (no lie!), I bought him the leather cigarette case he was eyeing at the leather store on our first shopping trip. The corduroy jacket incident happened back in Decembre, there was this jacket on sale, made of corduroy obviously, that he really wanted, but I just didn’t think it looked right on him, it was too small — keep in mind this boy is 6′4″ or something, insanely tall, but ever since then it’s been one of those “I should have… ” deals, lol, where he complains about how I talked him out of getting it! ;) I did go back to try and find it several days later, to get it for him, but it wasn’t there anymore of course. Hopefully, mwahaha, I’ll have heard the end of the corduroy incident for a few days at least.

For the mixture to be appropriate there must also be a level of spontaneous near insanity and that comes with the “Let’s go buy a new bed” idea I had while we were shopping for sheets. I’m always complaining about how my bed is too small, and how I regret selling my full-sized bed a couple years ago (back when my finances were spiraling out of control in the negative direction), so I’ve been stuck with the twin-sized bed ever since then. I don’t particularly mind it much, but it does sometimes become an annoyance; I mean, we fit onto it just fine, most of the time, lol… but we’ll definitely need to figure something out. If we do indeed get the approval for him to technically live here, then we’ll have separate rooms, so that we don’t always need to share the bed. Plus, there is the rather inconvenient aspect of how I sort of made him sleep on the couch when Mike was here…. The problem can theoretically be solved by DaVe bringing his bed down from ‘home’ — even though this really is home as far as I’m concerned, it’s queen-sized, and I figure, and it seems agreeable after discussion, that if we have at least one large bed, then things should work out fine.

This probably sounds so bizzare to most people, about how we have these boys, but we’re always sleeping with each other — that’s why it is important to note that sleeping is all that happens between the two of us. Sharing the bed is just something I’ve always found really comforting and pleasant, it’s so pleasing to be able to reach over and put your arm around someone if you so desire, randomly.

I really should be sleeping, but had this urge to write… as always, we have a requirement for motivation in the morning, so much yardwork related situations will be arising. The new stones for the driveway are arriving and we need to put down these 4×4 wooden timbers before the stone is delivered.

Anyway, one last commentary I suppose; I really look forward to seeing Mike again. It’s almost undescribable how incredible he makes me feel… I’ve never been with someone, until him, that can cause my entire body to tingle… it’s absolutley scintillating. This is a first, perhaps, where it seems we literally fit together perfectly. I’m excited with the new prospects that have opened up, gratified that I’m able to reconnect with those that I’d set aside after meeting Davey. I’m rather completely happy with the new direction life started heading once I made the conscious decision to finally move on.