indiboi.com

On Monday, 7th July, 2003, I will be nine thousand (9000) days old, I think that means I must have some sort of event, yep.

Hmm, well, DaVe should be onboard the train on his way here as I write this. He had said he would give me a call, again, before he got on the train, and he didn’t… errr; well, I hope he really is on the train!

I should probably give a weeklyish rundown while I’m at it, so here goes: The dyer died a painful death, as much as a death of a dryer can be painful, so we bought a new one that will be delivered on Sunday. Considering that the dryer is almost as old as I am, it was beyond due to pass on to the junkyard.

Randomness: Bravo is going to have a program called “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” — dear god, that’s all I can say.

Alright, ramble time again. Since the dishwasher is also overly aged, nine years, and leaking on a regular basis, we bought a new one of those, also to be delivered sunday. As I was complaining Thursday, when we did the major appliance shopping, I’m really wishing that I’d done my laundry earlier in the week. This is one case where procrastination is rather a bad thing, hah. That and it seems, and I could be wrong, but a large quantity of my wardrobe as vanished since Matt moved out, hmmm, indeed.

I power-washed the deck… in preparation for repainting it; however, it seems that I stripped off pretty much all of the paint, which is really opaque stain…. now I definitely need to repaint it.

This coming week with DaVe will be a major outside work adventure: building retaining walls, redoing our sidewalk, planting and grooming the rest of the yard. To counter all of this productivity, I’m certain the evenings will be mini-benders of alcoholic fun… this seems to be the general nature of evenings with him, not that I mind of course. ;)

And finally, reuniting with a friend I’d lost touch with, that’s certainly the most important thing that has happened this week along with the corresponding intrigue it has created through my obscurity.

I’m very much looking forward to seeing DaVe this evening, it has been too long. I also look forward to the potential seeing of said reunited friend this evening too.

I was just thinking about how life seemed to suddenly become quite interesting, but moreso I feel rather different. I feel a bit liberated, actually. I also suddenly started to worry… Is this really what I want? I have no idea if this is what I want or not, but in such cases I find that following my instincts seems the right course of action, if it feels right, do it. The quandry comes, or I should say amazement really, from the fact that so few things feel right to me. There are no two experiences that can ever truly compare, everything is new in some distinct and important way; in the very least I can say they are all learning experiences in which to base future decisions upon.

So I feel the need, the want perhaps, to be a bit more selfish and I see no problem with it; it’s truly an exemplification of how previous relationships affect present and future ones. I gave so very much and received so very little in return, I grew tired of the effort required. The major point here though is moderation, finding the appropriate middle ground for receiving for self and giving of self.

I mention so often of another’s worth; how worthwhile someone is or would be to me. I’m extremely particular when it comes to most everything, but particularly when inviting someone into my life. I have a list of criteria that could likely never be written out, in a constant state of evolution. I know that it makes me sound a snob, and that’s true, but not in any sort of traditional sense. The key is that when I say or do something, the words and actions are genuine, and when they cannot be, I refrain. I work diligently to be sure that answer questions honestly, but with appropriate tactfulness.

If I say that I love someone it means that said person has won a permanent place in my heart, one that cannot be revoked under any known circumstances. I was asked the other day how I could possibly still love Davey, and that’s the precise reason. There’s a very important distinction between liking someone and loving them, they, like love and sex, do not always coexist peacefully. I have a friend, to which I seem to want to use the term loosely, that I love and care for rather deeply; however, he grinds on every nerve that I have, I can barely stand him, I don’t like him… much. I’ll still help him, if it’s possible, I’ll listen to him when he wants to talk, and I’ll provide the best advice I can muster, if he asks for it.

Everyone I spend my time on… be that talking to them, helping them, or whatever else the case may be, provides me with something important, important to me, even if it’s something generally seen as insignificant. When I tell someone that they’re worthwhile, it’s probably one of the greatest compliments that I could give; anyone that reads this journal on a regular basis would understand perhaps on a deeper level, because I generally despise people. I know it sounds or reads as awful, but at least I’m honest about it, right?

I am sometimes accused of being too serious. I’m certainly guilty at times, but these moments of life, they are too important to waste. I need to invest myself seriously in whatever activity I’m taking part of, at least most of the time, I’m not a monk afterall. To the point though, perhaps, something that may be viewed as casual by another, is typically quite the opposite. Nearly everything that I do has a deeper meaning and purpose, even though sometimes I can’t put it into words. A collection of seemingly unimportant concepts, microsteps, when combined becomes quite the important step.

I can’t be kept down, but I might need considerable time to recover. We hurt, but we heal, though I do doubt we ever heal completely. We carry these memories of pain with us, sometimes hidden deep within our minds, sometimes on our sleaves. I rather dislike that more commonly I hide my feelings deep within me, for no one else to see, but whenever you emerge from hiding only to be swatted again by life’s bombs, it’s too scary, too dangerous, to leave something so precious in the open; it just hurts too much. That pain though, it does go away, it just requires recovery time.

I emerged from my own purgatory Wednesday, to begin this new version of life, no matter how the cards fall, I’m in it to win.

I don’t have any recent memory of someone disliking something I’ve created… and actually saying so. I think I rediscovered my polar opposite the other night, lol. I’m enigmatic and see in grays… he’s direct and everything is black and white… I’m about boundaries, he’s about lack of such. Anyway… oddly enough, I rather enjoyed being told ‘I don’t like it at all’ when it was in reference to a piece of “art” I created. Honesty, it’s the new black!

It’s odd how sometimes things just fall right into place immediately after making a decision about them.

Wednesday evening I pretty much decided that it was time that I move on… of course intellectually I’d known that for a long time, but actually doing it is something completely separate. Of all things to do, I actually started looking at personals… sadly enough, but I ran across one of someone I knew and had spent time with a couple of years ago. He was uncomfortably young then… and for whatever reason we’d lost touch. So, anyway, now that I had a way to get back in touch with him, I did… after some discussion we decided to see each other that night… it was ‘delightfully random’ and ultimately very good. Actually, very good doesn’t even begin to do it justice.

We stopped at Denny’s for a bit, he had breakfast type food and I had coffee, I picked up the bill… which I think he thought odd, lol. Of course by this time I’d discovered he had a boyfriend, but apparently one that… I don’t even know how to describe it, but one that doesn’t seem to fit him well and otherwise it seems to be what could be referred to as an open relationship. Point being, well, I’m not sure, but I felt a little silly, because… I really kind of was liking him a lot more than just hanging out. I think I always did, but… it just didn’t feel right; thinking back on the timeframe when he and I did spend time together, it’s no wonder, I had all sorts of craziness going on relationship-wise. Right, so, I’m rambling… anyway, lol, I made some point about how I’m taking him out, so I was paying… provided I wouldn’t have some sort of pyscho boyfriend chasing after me, haha.

Meanwhile, back at my house… I wasn’t really sure what the situation was all about, so I suggested a movie. We watched “Head On” which is an Australian movie about Greek immigrants and the main character who is, well, sort of completely worthless in every way — which oddly makes for an enjoyable movie. I suppose halfway through the movie, I randomly mentioned my headboard (the one I made), and how it was studded pleather, lol. To which he responds quasi-negatively that he was going to let me tie him up, but not anymore since it was pleather, lol… so I grabbed hold of him and, basically didn’t let go… it was really pleasant. I’ve always kind of liked that tentative stage where you don’t really know what’s going to happen next.

He’s so adorable, to the extent that it’s kind of difficult to describe. The entire night I just wanted to cuddle with him, lol.. of course amazingly enough that was happening. So I kissed him on the forehead… but couldn’t quite gauge the reaction… more of surprise it seemed than anything else… I suppose that was about halfway through the movie; towards the end I did it again, and he looked at me, again with seeming surprise, so I said that I didn’t want to cross any boundaries, to which he said there weren’t anyway. Hmm, indeed. The movie was over… and there were no boundaries… no more detail is needed really… other than to say that he spent the night, and it was glorious.

Taking him home in the morning, he mentioned how much he enjoyed our time together and that he wants to see me again… I feel exactly the same way about it. I feel so comfortable and… desired (though that doesn’t seem the right word, I would say loved, but… that has too much strength) when with him. So, perhaps I’ll be able to have that torrid affair that I’d mentioned wanting quite some time ago afterall.

He has to work today (Friday), and on Saturday I pick DaVe up from the train station. This does pose a slightly strange problem of sorts… a problem that I never conceived to appear… I’ll probably end up kicking DaVe out of my bed to have Mike take his place, lol. Of course that might sound a little whorish, but my relationship with DaVe, while intimate, is utterly platonic… we’ve never so much as kissed each other; which is something that has always been sort of dissapointing. In thinking about it though… I really couldn’t live with him (which is a possibility), if I was still actively interested in him in ways other than really possible… so it’s all for the best anyway.

Something new to me though is that I don’t really have any expectations… I just want to enjoy being with him… and right now that means as often as possible.