It is stunning to randomly look in the mirror and see a smile on my face…. a natural unforced smile. I did something lastnight that is so totally out of my ‘character’ and…. I’m extremely glad that I did. Mmm… yes, better than anything I’ve ever experienced, and it felt right… every moment.
I’ve not written down my dreams lately… not really sure why, I guess mostly because they’re too scary to want to ever remember.
Anyway, I’m not sure if it was Pittsburgh of Philadelphia, but I was moving to one or the other. I walked into this house of sorts… it reminded me of somewhere that in my dreams I knew, but in reality I can’t place. So I’m walking up these ramps, instead of stairs, thinking that my god, I hope my ‘room’ isn’t too many floors up… considering it was like… damnit, I can’t remember, but like 141b or something… maybe 1041… but amazingly, thankfully, the room numbers zipped up higher and higher, sort of skipping forward. I round a corner… where the numbers seem to be close to my room number and everything opens up… kind of like an art gallery, perhaps the Guggenheim or NGA East. The walls were brightly coloured… and instead of doors, there were just sort of openings… that went all the way to the ceiling, which of course was quite high… perhaps 14 or more feet sloping upward to an even higher 20 feet or so. I kept looking around for people, but couldn’t find anyone, though I did notice there were beds and other personal items in the various “rooms” along the way… I kept thinking that I would need to hang some kind of sheet up in the doorway space. So, on the wall, much like you would see a tag next to art to explain the name and other details, was my room number… with a b next to it, oddly, I don’t recall seeing anything about the rooms being divided… but the general idea was that the room was… massive and the a’s and b’s, etc… were the actual rooms where we’d belong I suppose. So I put my stuff down kind of in the middle… kept thinking that I needed to call DaVe…and then finally meet the other people that presumably I’ll be living with. El was there… which is why it makes me think this was philly.. but I was certainly on a college campus, going to art school apparently. There was a lot of random interaction that I can’t remember, but then I left the building.
Outside my palm pilot activated… on its own, to display video of something… kind of like a tour thing. I remember asking people and being frustrated because I couldn’t find a taxi… no idea what that was about.
What is it that keeps me going? I feel like I’m dying inside… that I’ve been dying. The encompassing fire that powered my ambition, to accomplish my goals, to have the future that I really wanted… it’s gone, replaced by a dim flicker that just keeps me going none the less.
So, where am I? Am I settling for second best? Is that second best actually better than what I’d planned for anyway? So I’m facing the prospect of living with someone… someone I’ve loved longer and invitably stronger, if only by length… but it’s different, it’s not necessarily what I’d wanted…
I’m torn between, well, everything. I suppose ultimately I’ve not lost faith… or hope, whatever you want to call it. I can’t see the proverbial light anymore… I don’t know what direction my life is heading in… and it scares me.
I feel like I’m living with some sort of artifical facade… that I don’t want people to see that I’m just a scared little boy, wanting so desperately to just feel loved… to feel complete again.
I want to let go of this pain and get back to where I feel “something like it, in hopes and in fears.”
DaVe will be here Saturday… to stay for an indefinite period of time (the prelude to him moving in). I always think of our relationship in the way that it appears, versus the way that it really is, so I worry that I expect something that I shouldn’t. I just hope that he’s going to help fill the void that has been left in my life after losing davey and then my dad in quick succession.
Hmmm… yeah, so DaVe woke me up this morning, lol… not that I mind of course, but I kept complaining as to where my damned pancakes were!
The soap I made the other day and put into an unlined mold, which of course was a catastrophic mistake, well, yesterday evening I scooped it out and remelted it, aka rebatched it, using the crock pot and poured it into a lined mold. Anyway, I dunno how well it’s going to work, but whatever… cleaning up the crock pot and cheese grater and all that other stuff was quite an adventure this morning, yuck!
I ran out of petrol while mowing the lawn yesterday, thankfully I was nearly done though, haha… it’s so funny, we have this huge shed, but never can get the tractor to it for lack of fuel, lol. Of course we need some sort of ramp device anyway, otherwise it’d be impossible to get the tractor into the shed anyway.
So I suppose next week is major landscaping adventure… He was saying how we need an English herb garden; however, I had to remind him that June is not a good time to get something like that started, haha.
The shaving soap I made is extremely nice… much better than the previous batch, so yay. I’m so happy that shaving is no longer a horrible and painful ordeal. It’s still time consuming, perhaps more so, but the end result is so much better so it is worthwhile anyway.
Hmm… yeah… so much random-mess.