To Lui
I kicked the boy out of my room and started on my bottle of irish whiskey, it’s almost finished. It’s not that I need to get away, I just need affection, and… I guess I’m so desperate for it that I’m willing to have sex with someone that I don’t really love (e.g. that boy), because he makes me feel good, because he touches me… whereas…. this friend of mine, that I love more than words can ever express… these days, he’s just finds it “weird” that I would want to touch him… he throws my arm off of him in the middle of the night, and it really hurts, that I can’t go to him for what I need… I just want to feel good, I want to feel loved, and… he’s just not here for me, even if he is physically here. I guess it’s ultimately dissapointing, it’s more dissapointing after having bought him a train ticket and knowing that to get rid of him I have to buy another. I hate being lonely, and I hate being lonely even more when I have to actually pay for someone to keep me company… and… he’s… just… not what I wanted after all I guess.