indiboi.com

It’s time to be honest.

I hate every single part of my life.

I have for a very, very long time.

I hate every part of myself. The only happiness I experience is artificial, it’s not real, it only makes me happy on the surface, deeper happiness has left me long, very long ago.

Nearly every moment of my life since my birthday I regret not ending my life on my birthday as I had originaly planned. I gave up on life a very long time ago, I only drift through life to satisfy the needs of others, that’s all I’m really here for. No one really cares enough to be here to help me, that was basically proven to me tonight. It’s done with. The only reason I’m still around is that I’m too much of a woose to fuck over so many people that “depend” on me, I feel too much responsibility to others… because if I didn’t, I’d be checking out.

Losing Davey and then my dad… that was too much. I shut down, I’m still shutdown, but I keep trying anyway, as I keep seeing the world around me crumble into nothingness.

I kicked him out of my room tonight, and after awhile I went to appologize. He finds it weird to show affection in physical ways, well, fine… he’s no good to me then.

I need affection, I need my dad back… I miss him more than I think I could ever express… no matter how quickly and painfully my life was falling apart he’d always be there for me, I knew at least that someone loved me… loved me no matter what happened to me or my life.

I just don’t know what to do anymore… my life feels destroyed… I’m only playing it out until the end, because to me, I’ve already lost. It’s like a video game, where you know you’re going to lose, but you keep playing anyway.