indiboi.com

I’m back from the Ohio adventure. The drive back was pleasant… a little sad, but I suppose that’s to be expected. I had plenty of time to… organize… my thoughts. I was incredibly depressed lastnight… the kind of depressed when you’re already unhappy for no real known reason and stuff just sort of piles up…. so I was really angry lastnight when I wrote some of the things I wrote… and not really directly angry at anyone in particular. So, the point of that is that I’ve removed it… stuck it over in my private and unpublished entries.

I was in so much culture shock over the weekend, it’s hilarious really. Whenever I don’t know people I become even more antisocial and snobbish than normal… I think it finally normalized this morning. I woke up just so much happier than I had been the night before. It doesn’t make any sense, but it really does reflect on my… err, need to continue with.. everything.

So yeah, I had my first vacation ever since starting the hosting company… the first (through third) night away from my house in that period of years… and I spent that time with someone amazing, my dear friend DaVe. The whole experience was surreal on so many levels…

Anyway, for anyone that had the misfortune of reading my entry prior to this one, prior to me getting rid of it… I put myself through this… because it’s difficult, because I know that it makes me a better person ultimately. I’d rather deal with the pain than push it aside. I drive myself very hard… perhaps too much so, but… I just don’t want to ultimately think back and know that I didn’t put my best effort into whatever it is.

Ultimately, I’m very glad that I finally went and spent some time up there with him… it just never really worked out before. I have a whole new and seemingly more complete perspective of… everything now. A little of the candy coating has worn off… I guess that’s sort of part of the culture shock experienced. There are a lot of things that I need to work on, that I’ve been working on, but so much has revealed itself this past weekend. I won’t lie, because I did have the urge to flee… more than once, actually, but… you know, it would be a disservice to everyone, including myself. …more of an attempt to be social and… provide a little slack in the standards that I set for people.

Being here is rather surreal at times. I remember all of these stories and hearing about all of these people and before they were just that, words, whereas now it’s more like reality of sorts.

Yesterday was mostly enjoyable, we went to the gorge and to a movie (Bruce Almighty). On the way back from the movie, we were crossing this bridge, sun getting ready to set and this feeling of just complete happiness flooded over me; something that I don’t really remember feeling for a very long time… the kind of happiness that prompts tears in fact.

Every now and then when I’m with him, there’s a moment that feels and seems and perhaps is… complete and perfect.

Even though we’ve known each other for a rather long time, there are still a lot of things we’ve never done together… seems like yesterday was basically one of those days to catch up… do the normal sorts of things that we’d probably have done long ago if it weren’t for the distance between us.

It’s all a little bittersweet though, as always, because tonight will be my last night here and tomorrow, of course, I’ll be leaving to go back home. I really do wish that I could bring him along with me.

I kept thinking, my god, he needs out of here… I knew that ahead of time though, hence me providing the amtrak tickets for him to come out and stay with me for a few weeks… In a way it’s not as bad, but also is worse than I expected.

I have a feeling that I’m not making too much sense. I suppose the most important thing is to indicate that I’m at least content and sometimes happy. I’m still haunted, but even though it doesn’t fit exactly, there’s an important void that we fill for each other.

So it’s all about the love. Looking through old photos, I remembered how I used to feel about him, in contrast to now and… there’s always been love.

I’m safely in Ohio. We left yesterday morning around 9:30 and after dropping my mum off at her sister’s place in Columbus I made my way up to Akron to spend the next few days with DaVe. It’s a little more denegerate than I really expected and believe me I expected quite a bit of degeneration.

Anyway, I’m not complaining, just massively out of my comfort zone when dealing with people other than him. He’s just completed cooking breakfast so I’m off to that. I’ll definitely need to find the time to fill in the last couple of days, particularly the UPS adventure.

First night to be met with a nightmare, seems fitting somehow. DaVe and I were taking a shower (together oddly enough and I can’t quite explain that one either), and it seems that everytime he’d leave the shower before completely washing off, essentially always leaving it unfinished. I think he was going to get the door, because someone had arrived… at least that’s my intellectual reasoning behind it now that I’m awake. Our ‘guest’ was none other than davey… of all people. He rambled something about how he knew it wasn’t going to work out with so and so… and how it didn’t with any of the other people that he’d gotten himself involved with… and that he wanted me back. Of course in the dream state where I’m not able to rationalize anything it seems, I accepted. Then he left… sort of like a teasing moment, where it looks like I’m going to get exactly what I want and then in an instant it’s all gone again.

To me, that’s a nightmare… it woke me up and I guess for the last several hours I just basically laid in the bed… listening to snoring that could undoubtedly wake the dead, hah.

Well, tomorrow (technically as in Thursday) I’ll be with DaVe/Cole again. It’s a little strange to actually be staying with him, since I’ve probably not been at his place for more than an hour (total) throughout the years I’ve known him… he’s always here, lol. I really want him to come back with me when I leave sunday, but I doubt that’ll happen… It seems like his business partners (which really seem like scum to me) have this tendency to drag him along… of course then they fuck him over again and he’s wishing he was here. At least they actually paid him today like they said they would (which almost is shocking to me). Oh well, I guess that’s kind of a stressful situation no matter which side you’re standing on.

I’ve been working on all sorts of aromatherapy spa type stuff… I figure that I can kill several birds with that stone… I can show him the stuff that I can do, I can promote a relaxing and de-stressing environment, and it’s also somewhat romantic and sensual… making it all a really good excuse to get him naked and touch him all over, hahahaha… of course that’s not the point, just sort of an added beneficial side effect for me.

I’m really looking forward to seeing him, as I know he is also to seeing me. It’s a little enbittering when he writes about how he misses jacob, and then says he needs me though… it’s reasonable, but also sort of painful, like I’m in second place. Then again… I’m right up there… the only two people that he really seems to care about… I guess he just is more comfortable expressing himself when he’s talking about someone, versus to someone… I know that Jacob was rather intensely jealous of him coming to spend all that time with me. I guess it’s a little uneasy to have a friendship that has such blurred bounderies… we’re so much more than friends, but so much less than lovers, lol… Of course the bounderies are always changing too. I don’t really know how to explain it sometimes, or ever, we’re just not in the same place, nor have we ever been really… and maybe never will. I suppose I’m still a little conflicted.