Overly Optimistic?
It always seems to me when I write something that isn’t a descent into being morose that the next day I think I’m being too optimistic about the situation… I guess I found up in a fairly decent and motivated sort of mood yesterday, I rather wish it would stay that way for longer stretches of time. I know it’s pssible, I just need “reason” for it.
I was thinking just a bit ago about two places I’d like to take Cole. From his train ride through Pittsburgh he knows how beautiful the city can be at night… driving down the parkway towards the city always struck me with awe, the lights of the homes on the mountains glinting off of the water, the lights of all the bridges doing likewise and winding around the curve to see the buildings of downtown come into view. We would often go to Schenley Park, usually for no reason… I remember this one evening where the difference between my romantic nature and Stephen’s… not so romantic nature really became obvious. I wanted to go to the park to watch the sunset… he was rather uninterested, it was a shame. I remember that moment pretty clearly because in reality it was one of the more dissapointing ones. Now I think of that morning at the park here in town, the day that Cole went back to Ohio, and it was nice, very nice actually, and since that was so good I find myself wanting to share something that was beautiful to me with someone I know would appreciate it. Perhaps it’s overly romantic for the tone of friendship, but why not make an experience better with someone better than a boyfriend? It’s about love, that core emotion is the same regardless of the context, to me anyway, to me it makes sense… appreciate the beauty where you see it, without regard to status.
Another would be Renfew Park, that place is so beautiful in the autumn or spring. I was with Thomas there once, the boy I married… of course the definition of the word is radically altered when used in this context, because there was nothing with him that would normally be required for something like that. It was cute though, and even if I’ve not spoken with him since graduation, it’s still sort of a pleasant memory, but anyway; I still wear my ring occasionally, it’s a nice reminder even if it means virtually nothing… nothing like I’d want it to mean someday, what I would have wanted it to mean, what it would have meant with Davey for instance. So, Renfrew park… it’s just nice, laying down on the field watching the clouds, feeling faint heat of sun and cool air on the skin.
In thinking about it, these are moments of simplicity, moments where the complication of our daily lives and relationships ceases to exist, I really believe we all need more of that, more moments when the world doesn’t matter, only two people in complete comfort with each other. And to be on record, I want to experience these things with Cole, not because I want to remember being with someone else there and have a “replacement,” but because I want more memories like that with him; it wouldn’t be the same with anyone else anyway.
It’s kind of like being at the Gorge back in Ohio, it didn’t really matter to me whomelse he may have been there with, it was just nice anyway, and when you subtract the heat and other factors that would cause one to be irritable, I was really happy. Of course, I’m usually quite happy when he’s around, unfortunately a lot of times it doesn’t really come through; since my level of comfort with him is so high, it often allows my sadness from other areas to come to the surface.
I appreciate him, I’m proud of him, and I know he will be enourmously successful; he has that undefinable drive inside him like I do… to just keep going no matter how uphill of a battle it is. It can be so very exhausting though and that’s where the support of someone who understands becomes incredibly important… to be able to just collapse into the (either literal or figurative) arms of someone who really does care.