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I find my conviction lacking lately. I just don’t have the energy for a confrontation, nor do I know if one is advised and more importantly I doubt it would do any good. I find myself stifled in speech, perhaps it isn’t the conviction I’m lacking, but the energy to carry it out into actualization. There are ideas that I believe in so strongly and they’re contrary to to temporary happiness, they’re for ultimate good, they lead to long-term stability.

What I would do isn’t absolutely the right course of action for anybody else. I just don’t want to see those I care about in the same agonizing pain that I’ve been in and for intents and purposes, I am still suffering from, that I’m still surviving through. I challenge my will daily. I sacrifice most of my moments of escape because I know they are ultimately damaging to me, doing what I need to do, versus what I want to do.

I ask myself the same questions, what would I do…

I’ve wrote about my experience of going to Pittsburgh to see Stephen one last time before he flew home. I used the test of regret, “Would I regret not trying to see him?” and the answer was yes. In the final count, it was completely counter-productive, it causes a re-evaluation of the regret test. While I don’t regret seeing him, it only served to cause my pain to be deeper. I honestly believe it would have been better for me to just resign myself to not seeing him, to having those awful moments the night I left be the end of it, because in retrospect that was better than the resultant memory.

People do not change, only our memories of them. The bitter memories usually grow sweeter with time, we filter out, even without intention, the ones we don’t want to remember, and intensify the better ones… Most of the time we don’t miss the actual person, we miss the idea of them, we miss the way they made us feel. When we see them… reality hits, we realize that they’re not as wonderful as our minds have made them.

So, tonight, my anxiety was getting the best of me in a way that it hasn’t for months. I was nervous and felt my hands and arms shaking ever so slightly. I need to find the middle ground, the balance, where I still care deeply, but do not allow my concern to flood over me. I worry that there is no gray though, either I’m fully me, or I’m out of the situation. I found myself wanting to issue an ultimatum, because I feel so strongly, because I don’t want to pick up the pieces when everything shatters, when it could be avoided. I hope I am wrong, as I almost always hope that I’m wrong, but there are very few situations where I feel so strongly and those feelings prove not to be correct.

In thinking about it just now, there is really only one person that I allow emotional distance to be lessened, in that they’ve hurt me, and there is just enough trust to be upfront. So you ask, or not, of those people that emotional distance is required for, it can never be the same. I’ll be there, but how I’m feeling won’t ever materialize to them, they’ve lost that right, perhaps permanently. Earning it back is likely to be too close to impossible for them.

It is because of wearing my heart on my sleeve, I need to protect it, because as has been seen too many times, they’re not going to. I guess it’s just that I’ll do nearly anything… for someone that has found a place into my heart, therefore I just can’t let anyone in… and likewise if they’re trashing the place, they need to be locked out. They’re going to leave a permanent impression anyway; forever a whisper.

That’s when I know it’s important… my body reacts, the feeling radiating through my arms to my fingers and my heart feels as though it is being tugged upon. This I know, I’m devoted, my own defenses are overridden.