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I find my conviction lacking lately. I just don’t have the energy for a confrontation, nor do I know if one is advised and more importantly I doubt it would do any good. I find myself stifled in speech, perhaps it isn’t the conviction I’m lacking, but the energy to carry it out into actualization. There are ideas that I believe in so strongly and they’re contrary to to temporary happiness, they’re for ultimate good, they lead to long-term stability.

What I would do isn’t absolutely the right course of action for anybody else. I just don’t want to see those I care about in the same agonizing pain that I’ve been in and for intents and purposes, I am still suffering from, that I’m still surviving through. I challenge my will daily. I sacrifice most of my moments of escape because I know they are ultimately damaging to me, doing what I need to do, versus what I want to do.

I ask myself the same questions, what would I do…

I’ve wrote about my experience of going to Pittsburgh to see Stephen one last time before he flew home. I used the test of regret, “Would I regret not trying to see him?” and the answer was yes. In the final count, it was completely counter-productive, it causes a re-evaluation of the regret test. While I don’t regret seeing him, it only served to cause my pain to be deeper. I honestly believe it would have been better for me to just resign myself to not seeing him, to having those awful moments the night I left be the end of it, because in retrospect that was better than the resultant memory.

People do not change, only our memories of them. The bitter memories usually grow sweeter with time, we filter out, even without intention, the ones we don’t want to remember, and intensify the better ones… Most of the time we don’t miss the actual person, we miss the idea of them, we miss the way they made us feel. When we see them… reality hits, we realize that they’re not as wonderful as our minds have made them.

So, tonight, my anxiety was getting the best of me in a way that it hasn’t for months. I was nervous and felt my hands and arms shaking ever so slightly. I need to find the middle ground, the balance, where I still care deeply, but do not allow my concern to flood over me. I worry that there is no gray though, either I’m fully me, or I’m out of the situation. I found myself wanting to issue an ultimatum, because I feel so strongly, because I don’t want to pick up the pieces when everything shatters, when it could be avoided. I hope I am wrong, as I almost always hope that I’m wrong, but there are very few situations where I feel so strongly and those feelings prove not to be correct.

In thinking about it just now, there is really only one person that I allow emotional distance to be lessened, in that they’ve hurt me, and there is just enough trust to be upfront. So you ask, or not, of those people that emotional distance is required for, it can never be the same. I’ll be there, but how I’m feeling won’t ever materialize to them, they’ve lost that right, perhaps permanently. Earning it back is likely to be too close to impossible for them.

It is because of wearing my heart on my sleeve, I need to protect it, because as has been seen too many times, they’re not going to. I guess it’s just that I’ll do nearly anything… for someone that has found a place into my heart, therefore I just can’t let anyone in… and likewise if they’re trashing the place, they need to be locked out. They’re going to leave a permanent impression anyway; forever a whisper.

That’s when I know it’s important… my body reacts, the feeling radiating through my arms to my fingers and my heart feels as though it is being tugged upon. This I know, I’m devoted, my own defenses are overridden.

The painting is done, including some touchups… I had a whole bunch of missed spots on the wall lastnight, heh, I guess that comes from doing it in the wee hours of the morning. After quite a battle with the gigantic roll of carpet, it’s now down on the floor, fairly smooth. I need to smooth it out a little more and then do a little trimming around the edges so that it isn’t ‘climbing the wall’ anymore. I’m really kind of exhausted from all this… I stretched out the remodel of this room over a course of months, but this whole schedule thing has me working quite diligently.

It’s a little deflating because I haven’t a bloody clue what’s going on with Cole… I think the latest solidified plan was me going up there, spending a night or two, then the two of us coming here for a week, him then taking the train back. Then that got all rearranged for a reason I cannot quite remember at this point, but I’m not sure that’s even going to happen because of some North Carolina thing. Apparently the store owner guy wants him to go down there for a month — oi. Ehh, I’m going to not worry about it - haha… yeah, uhm, me not worry… It just sort of changes my motivation towards the lack thereof. Not to mention, because I shouldn’t, but it’s becoming increasing difficult to have any kind of lucid conversation with him, because he’s nearly always in a state of unsober… or he’s beyond distracted because he’s at work. On a certain level I can totally understand it, because I’ve been there myself, but ergh, it’s really worrisome too. Ultimately though, even if the conversations are disjointed and brief, I still really appreciate them… because, I guess, I at least know that he’s alright.

I just miss him being around, since it was so nice to have him here for several weeks and then see him again two weeks later for a few days up in Ohio. I’m just disgrunlted with the work thing, because he was supposed to go to some work related thing in some state far away back around his birthday, which caused a cancellation of our plans to see each other then. Ultimately he didn’t go, nor did we see each other, so it was totally unproductive, and I can see the exact same sort of bullshit coming from his work this time. I suppose I just can’t shake the idea that these people fuck with him, constantly changing their plans that involve him, which means that any plans he made with anybody else get squished in the process.

Oh, the fabric I bought lastnight, I failed to mention that it was only $1 per yard, so $20 for a TON of fabric… I just need to sew up the sides and such. I still need to figure out a good way to hang the fabric in the corners.

okay, well… first, they had the normal set of doors blocked, but no sign saying to use the ones that are normally closed after 10. Secondly they had the store totally ripped apart with all sorts of obstacles, so it took forever to find ways around them. Thirdly the guy stocking the shelves in the paint department, though he said he could mix paint, couldn’t tell the different between a gallon and a quart… so basically I had to tell him how to make the paint… thankfully I knew exactly how much pigment went into which base, etc… O.O Okay, so then I ask him if he can get someone (err, ya know, a WOMAN) to verify that this bolt of fabric I wanted was indeed 20 yards… I was 90% sure it was because it was banded… okay, so he says he can do it… and like three other guys who know nothing about fabric have to ‘help’ lol… so, they don’t know if the band means that it’s 20 yards or not. So he proceeds to measure it… after 5 yards he gets the scissors and starts what I THINK to be a ‘nick’ to mark the place, but no, before I can utter ‘err…’ he’s cut 5 yards off the bolt. So, I’m like “okay, I can deal with that” and then… he tries to fold it… dear god almighty… so I tell him that I WILL FOLD the fabric… as long as he makes NO MORE cuts… turns out that it was 20 yards like I thought… so instead of 20 yards nicely on the bolt… I have a horribly folded 5 yard piece and a decently folded 15 yard piece.

Then… man… It was just dengenerate.

Alright, well, I’ve called and paid for the new bed… oi, so much money, lol… I’m positive that it will be worth it though. …or at least that is what I keep telling myself over and over again.

Comcast was being a bitch on roids lastnight, the cable kept cutting on and off, so that means the internet did too, so I just went downstairs and did some more work on that room. I sort of half-assed ‘cutting in’ the ceiling, since you’re supposed to actually paint before the cut ins dry, but oh well… so I have that dreadful business done with… So I’ll be able to get the ceiling painted and yur, it’ll be good. I’m already seeing quite an improvement now that the walls are primed solid… Once I get the ceiling done I can move on to the walls. It turns out that the cheapest walmart brand paint roller covers work just as well as the considerably more expensive ones, lol, who knew? Of course, I don’t think I would even attempt to clean them for reuse, it’s costs more for the water than the roller covers!

Oh, the carpet situation is solved too. We have this roll of dark blue/gray berber that I’d totally forgotten about, I guess it was intended to go either in my parent’s room or somewhere… It’s a little too short to completely fill the room, but it’s wide and long enough to totally carpet the “sleaping area” which is all that really matters to me right now.

I have some “padded wall” ideas that I might implement… I’m still trying to figure out the best way to divide the room and hide the ugly corners, etc… I guess I will build that bridge to cross when I come to it.

Yesterday was a bit of a shopping frenzy too. The woman woke me up around 8:30 so that I could go with her to exhange the loaner car for her own (she was having some little thing on the door fixed, apparently they’d put the sealing rubber on too thick or something like that), so once that was done we made department store rounds. We stopped at Kohl’s and I bought very nice pillows… 400 thread count removable covers, designed for the way we sleep — of course once I mention it to Cole he lets me know that he sleeps on his side most of the time, which is contrary to how he’s ever sleeped when I was around, haha, d’oh.

So then we went to Boscov’s and after several hours of trying out nearly every bed there, I found one that I consider to be perfect. It’s the Spring Air Backsupporter series, Crystal Eurotop. It’s the neatest thing, it’s a combo of a plush top (which I really like) and a pillow top, but still attached to the sides like a plush, so you don’t get that weird little indentation at the sides. It’s also a no-turn bed, yay! So anyway, the sale order was written, etc, I just need to call the sales woman tomorrow and pay for it… it’ll be delivered Friday. I also found a very nice set of 300TC 100% cotton sateen sheets — in black! They were on sale for $40 so I had to get them too, even though I’d already bought a set of blue ones. I figure, I need at least two sets; I’d gone so long with this bed and having only one set of sheets, total pain in the ass when you want to wash them.

Of course, once we’re home my mum mentions that she has concerns over getting the box spring into that room… oh great, not something I’d even considered. For about $80 more I can get a split box spring, but… I really don’t want to spend even more money, as I’m already cleaning out my savings account for this purpose, lol. I figure if we were able to get couches in and out of the room, since length, not height is the potential problem, we can get a box spring in and out… and the box spring will be much more narrow than a couch. I really hope I’m on the right track here. If all else fails perhaps I’ll just turn this room into the bedroom and the downstairs into my “office” …while this room would be considerably nicer as a bedroom, I really don’t want to give up having a window where I spend most of my time.

So, right, this gives me the week to get that room downstairs ready for the bed. I’m realizing just how much of an uphill battle this is going to be today. I have two of the three walls primed with their first coat, it’ll need a second before I attempt to put actual paint onto them of course. These walls are the most wretched ugly 70’s style wood panelling… and the carpet is this even more awful burnt-orange. I’m still not exactly sure what I’m going to do about that. If my little piece of carpet turns out to be too small I’m going to see if I can go get a bigger piece without spending an arm and a leg. And of course, if the walls still look crappy after the two coats and primer and a layer of paint, then I think I’ll just cover them with cheap sheets… I’m pretty sure that’s how I’m going to divide the room between “junk storage” (which will eventually be a lounge/soap area) and the bedroom. Sheets if done right will also give an illusion of actually having windows down there, which will be nice, haha.

So, I suppose in a couple hours I’ll be back down there continuing with the primer coats and possibly get started on an actual paint coat on the other wall… (since I had painted that a few years ago it doesn’t need any primer). I worked a miracle on this room earlier this year, but I had much better “bones” to start with — and a better budget, lol. I’m hoping to work a similar miracle on that room downstairs, but I know it’s going to take a lot of creative thinking… and of course all sorts of impetus.