indiboi.com

It’s difficult to comment when you have two seemingly conflicting viewpoints, even if they point to the same course of action. I don’t even know if I’m being honest with myself when I think about it; am I just jealous or do I have his best interest at heart? I suppose in reality it’s probably a blend of the two, but I hope that I’m still being objective in the sea of subjectivity.

What does it say about …everything, if I’m being too good when I feel as though I’m not doing enough? Is it that everybody else just isn’t good enough to him, so that by the rule of averages that becomes the norm, so when someone treats him properly it’s too much? I’m inclined to believe that, but maybe I do too much anyway? I don’t particularly do anything for direct return, but none the less all of my actions are set to bolster the future; making an investment.

Maybe I’m the one that’s wrong, but it would mean I’m wrong about my entire philosophy of life. Perhaps the idealstic nature of doing things to help people, not because you’re getting paid back for them, but because it’s the right thing to do… maybe that’s just passe these days.

Maybe I contradict myself, because I also say that people need to be worth my time… but I think that it balances out, because I am so willing to give… I can’t allow myself to be in a situation where I’m being taken advantage of or taken for granted.

I am bitter, I need to admit that, because I do see so very little return on my investments… but I still do and for the most part it is worth it. I want someone to want to hold me and to do so, to make me feel loved, appreciated, and important.

I would just rather find my safety in the real love of something established, versus going from person to person… looking for something I’m never going to find that way. It doesn’t seem like either way really leads to happiness though, because there’s something missing anyway.

I think it would be easier if I didn’t know what I want, but I have known… and I keep trying for it, I’ve been pretty close a couple of times… someone to come home to, to have come home to me… and just live life together; where faults are not hidden, you can be completely yourself for the better or for the worst.

So if I see that on the horizon, what should I do? Work harder? That’s my first notion for action, but… what if you know it isn’t exactly what you want because of something you can’t control? I think I’ve been lying to myself for as long as I can remember, just accepting something close enough because I’d rather have something than nothing… but if that’s true, is that any better than completely superficial relationships? I would hope so, but when it really comes down to it, it’s the same idea, mine is just so much more involved. I guess I sit hoping that someday it’ll be what I really want, and just enjoy it for what it is in the meantime.

Back to working harder… Like I said, that’s my first thought, if it isn’t what I want, if I’m not in the position I want to be in, I need to work harder at it. Then I think though, I work really hard as it is, even if nobody really notices, and in reality simple things are a struggle for me sometimes. It all leads me to ask myself why I bother? What gives me the motivation to keep going when results are so difficult to see or otherwise take a very long time to develop? I just don’t know anymore, perhaps it’s that hope, but lately I need something… something to prove to me that it’s all worth it, because I see myself being so unmotivated and I don’t know how to get myself out of it… probably because I can’t on my own anymore.

I won’t accept that I’m destined to be alone… and I guess… maybe it’s not so far off, I just need to find something real to keep me going. Maybe if things were different, and I were attractive to the typical gay boy, I’d be happier, even if on a more superficial level… because at least then I’d have human contact. As it stands I can barely get the time of day from most people and it really bothers me, because the very best I can do still isn’t good enough, even if on some levels it’s too good… the contradiction is ridiculous at times, I guess I just try too hard to fight battles that cannot be won.