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I was feeling a little run down yesterday afternoon/early evening, which I guess is pretty normal after waking up at 3am… *rolls eyes at self*

I’m desperately trying to get myself onto some sort of normal sleep schedule, but it just isn’t happening, so my short little (at least intended to be) nap lasted until around 1ish AM… screw that, so I forced myself back to sleep for a few more hours to wake up around 5ish AM.

I’m already feeling the need to go back to sleep… I guess just because I don’t see any point to be awake other than to watch tv and, well, that isn’t a very good reason. Sure, there are lots of things I could be doing, most of which involve a level of motivation that I just don’t have. I don’t have anything to look forward to, at least nothing definitive just vague ideas of things distantly in the future.

New philosophy… and since it seems to work well in the medical world of HMOs, why not try it in life in general? So, instead of speaking up, making a futile attempt to help somebody avoid a problem, I’ll just keep my damned mouth shut, watch whomever fuck themselves into an even worse situation, and then help them clean up the mess when I’m asked. I’m not even sure why I bother with going that far even…

If it wouldn’t cost all sorts of money that I won’t ever have, I really think I ought to go to the hospital… I think I need an ECG, at least once or twice over the last couple of days I’ve had a sharp and shooting pain in my upper chest, much like angina.. bah, feels like I’m just waiting around to die these days.

I got this email from Jake the other day, photos from his birthday party at the end of August. I don’t know what that’s all about… I assume he just mass mailed it out to his list of gay boys or something equally idiotic, because it was certainly not sent directly to me. It’s rather annoying really… apart from him being extremely selfish, he’s also insanely busy to the point it’s a tragic negative factor. Giving a damn about him was a huge mistake, I just kinda wish he’d just let me forget the whole experience. Instead, I think about him, randomly, and then he conveniently gives me a reason to get in touch with him with something like that email.

It’s so easy for me to simplify things for others… it’s because I can disregard the emotional aspects and look at it objectively. I wish I could do the same with my own life…

I’m just so damned sick of pretty much everything.

Anyway, enough of this drivel.