Listen up, if you’re leaving a comment and your URL has anything at all to do with selling something or the bible I will delete it at my earliest convenience. Oh, hell, I’ll just remove the ability to make comments, not like it happens often anyway.
There are thirty-five days left until my birthday, urgh, I’m dreading it… quarter century time.
I made peach scones from scratch, they’re yummy… even if they are the ugliest scones ever! I just didn’t have the motivation to go shopping for a “scone pan” hah… plus I’d have been tempted to meander over and, uhmm… check in on someone, aka smack him for not calling me the other day. Yeah.. best to just have ugly scones.
Most everything in the lounge is finished. I need to do “decorating” and get furniture (couch, chairs, etc), but that has to wait for a while. I’m still in the process of cleaning/organizing a lot of stuff, this whole process ended up creating quite a bit of havoc all through my living areas.
I made these interesting crushed velvet pillows, super stuffed, though I’m not really sure about the colour of them anymore, under halogen light they appear a little on the taupe side, under flourescent they appear green, oh well, they’re supposed to be sparkly silver, hah. Incidently they’re for the couch I still don’t have.
I’ve been generally just “guh” lately… I’ve been kinda on the allergy side, a little on the headachy side, major sinus issues I guess, yay for changing weather making me physically miserable.
Oh, and boys, another erggh, I haven’t a damned clue what I’m doing anymore.
It just isn’t normal to be left feeling horrible anytime you talk to someone in particular, or for that matter read a message from them.
I don’t know about anyone else, but when you’ve grown used to talking to someone on a daily basis and then you can’t, well, you want to talk with them… but after a while, you’ve grown used to them not being around and basically stop relying on them for anything important… well, I do at least. Eventually you just don’t want to talk to them, because you’ve missed out on their life and they’ve missed out on yours and to really have any connection you have to give all sorts of backstory… sometimes I just get to the point where I want to make sure they can’t talk to me, because if a significant period of time has passed, well, most likely they’re only getting in touch with me because they need my help with something. I help my friends, people I actually talk with on a regular basis, I don’t help people that “I used to talk with” …anymore.
I’d basically grown to loathe the idea of talking to him, anytime he would be around, which was pretty rare (and even more rare for it to be more than five minutes), he’d either be drunk, be stoned, or under the influence of some other substance. And, realistically, that’s all he really was capable of talking about too… which killed the idea of me actually wanting to talk about anything important to me; I’m not one for pointless conversation.
So, yeah, I started to avoid him, but who wouldn’t when that was what there was to deal with? Anytime there’d be any hint of real conversation he’d get aggressive and it would end in conflict…
He messaged me this morning, opening with a statement about how he didn’t know if he just coughed up mucus or cum… which I’m sure was supposed to be funny though it never quite got there. I’m in the middle of ironing out some details about selling my soap wholesale and also have a batch of soap in process, so I’m relatively busy and not particularly wanting to deal with whatever catastrophe he’s been cooking up lately. He gets bitchy with me, saying that I was complaining about not getting to talk with him, and now that he’s available I’m not talking. He has this way that he says things that makes you want to scratch out his eyes! I make the ‘mistake’ of being honest, and saying that since he’d not been around to talk with that I stopped caring about it… he calls me childish. I tell him that I’m busy and that I don’t have time for him being an asshole, that he can give that to somebody else.
I’ve had enough of him, instead of actually talking he signed off, I sent my letter from the 30th.
I couldn’t sleep the night before last, so yesterday morning I found myself running errands to get soap supplies in the middle of the night/morning, say around 4am. I made some soap then around 6am, watched some television and probably, finally, around 11ish I got to sleep. I woke up around 1pm to see my mum come home early and had a little breakfast, and then promptly went back to sleep because that max of 2 hours wasn’t enough. I woke up a couple of times, and then finally I woke up at “06:49″ as indicated by my cellphone. I looked at it, and looked at it again, thinking that I *thought* I had my cellphone on the 24 hour clock, but it couldn’t possibly be almost 7AM! So I start up the stairs, look outside and it’s barely daylight, and realize my goodness, I slept the ENTIRE day away! Oh well, I guess I got myself back onto a normal schedule by sleeping for something like 20 hours!
I’ve had several dreams lately that are mostly vignettes, strange enough to be afraid of even remembering them. I had two yesterday and try as I may, I could only remember the second… it was simple, just me running into Jake somewhere and hugging him. That was the relationship with all the potential never actualized, which reminds me of someone in particular, heh… it’s depressing.
Today I just kept having dream upon dream, all running together. I think the first was also a bit of a small one, I was sitting on the floor (I think)… JP was on a chair or stool or something not terrible elaborate next to me… there was some other random boy on a loveseat to my left… no idea who it might be… Matthew comes along and sits down next to that guy in a ‘very comfortable’ sort of way, disappointing… and then there’s JP again… just kind of there… an inch away from my lips, tentative kiss, and another with confirmation. [end]
That whole ’scene’ transformed into some weird first person shooter style world, where I had a crappy weapon that wouldn’t hurt a chicken, but these other guys, whomever they were, had killer stuff, literally. Toward the end I discovered that my weapon had settings, heh, and it was on something like ultra-low, hah. Yeah, that was strange and made little sense.