Ten Minutes.
I think sometimes choosing to not do something, whatever it is, ends up being a lot more difficult than taking action.
I found myself waiting up again… to do nothing, apparently.
It just came to me that in some ways, if I really think about it, JayPea and I had more of a relationship happening long before we even met than we do now, heh… He’d come home from work and we’d talk on aim, or we’d call each other late at night and just talk… things that are pretty important to me and I sort of neglected for some idiotic reason…
Now, when I realize that I definitely like him that all seems to be lacking, in that ‘dumbass, you waited too long’ idea… Come on though, ergh, of course he doesn’t know anything about my past relationships really, and… why they’d prompt me to be so… cautious. Sunday & Monday nights I’d considered going up to see him at work, only problem with that was I didn’t know if he was working — so I saved myself the hour of driving (in total) and just stayed here.
As I said, I waited up tonight, mildly hoping that we’d have a chance to talk, but we didn’t… I was just laying on the bed up here in the office and finally decided to check to see if he’d gotten back from wherever he was, and I realize I missed him by ten minutes… I immediately wanted to call him and say goodnight or something similar, but thought, hmm… I dunno, if things seemed like they were going better over the past week I probably would have…
…because in a way, I rather miss him… and I think this horrible anxious feeling, this nervousness, is directly related. I really haven’t a way to know what he’s thinking, if anything, about me… and I try to step back a moment and imagine what it’d be like from his perspective… and I really did brush him off a lot, I mean, we tried a couple of times to see each other, but… it just never happened, and when it did, I basically fell for him instantly, but then again, as I continue this horrid running sentance, I probably didn’t really show it all that well either.
Meeting someone is just plain weird for me I guess, because I do have a lot of baggage in tow, because I don’t really have a history of ’successful’ relationships… they’ve all been fucked up in some way or another, not a single one would I consider ‘normal’ in any way. It all leads to something I was either writing about or talking to Sam about the other day: I have all these pieces that I need to combine together, and I’ve felt that way long before even meeting this guy. To then meet him and instantly see all these other people in him, or rather, to be more precise, to see these aspects in him, a predominance of them, that I valued in others… quite literally taking all these good parts and finding them together already in someone.
It’s just really scary, especially now that it seems like it isn’t working out afterall. I felt things with Davey that I’d never felt before… and maybe it’s just because I’m aware of them now, or maybe because there’s something deeper happening within me, I don’t know, but I find myself seeing that with JayPea too. Spending time with Mike didn’t make me feel as though I wanted to be better… spending time with Matthew didn’t give me that want to be better feeling… but I meet and spend time with JayPea and there’s all this… ‘haze’ and nervousness, and I want to be as good as I can possibly be. I found myself thinking that I might have found a reason to be motivated… someone that’ll, by force of virtue, prompt me to start caring about all the other things in my life that I’ve neglected.
I do realize that I’m massively overthinking it, but regardless, I really need to move through this, to basically relearn how to date, I guess… …and if he’s not the right person, I want to say that I put my best effort into it… if he’s come to the realization that he’s not interested in me in the same ways that I’ve discovered I’m interested in him, still… I do like him, he’s someone I still want to know.