indiboi.com

November 1st, after so long of a friendship on life support, I’d come to read these lines in particular: “I don’t have anyone I can depend on other then my partners at work, and my father.” and “this means no friends, no lovers, nothing.”

I suppose it was at that point that I just finally gave up, I’d have enough of trying to deal with it all and having all of my efforts be for naught.

It wasn’t particularly a conscious decision, something within me just changed and kept changing in the form of moving away from caring. This, of course, brings me to the point where these futile attempts of his to bring back something that is clearly gone began to grow more frustrating for me. Quite simply, hearing from him really started to make me feel awful… and I don’t know why — or if I do, I’ve not admitted it to myself.

Then I find myself just wanting to tell him to let it go… that I’d still be here for him if ever really needed something, something important that is, but otherwise there’s not much left between us. The problem with this is that he’s so incredibly out of it; trying to have any sort of serious conversation just doesn’t work, so I’d also given up on that.

This leads up to the main reason that I wanted to write about this, and frankly, I’ve been avoiding it for all the same reasons too. I’m not sure at this point exactly when it was, but I’d wager that it was perhaps a week or two ago… I wrote about wishing that he’d just go away, and no real surprise there was he turning my statements, my thoughts, into a confrontation — precisely what I did not want, but knew it would be if I’d ever mention it to him.

So, he asked me why I didn’t just block him on aim, and he really doesn’t get it… maybe I don’t even get it, but the time has come that I really need to work on some ‘forward motion’ and move beyond all of these weights upon me. It’s been over a year now since Davey and I parted and my father died… I’ve had a pathetic attempt at a rebound relationship, and I just want to move on with life… move on to the good things that make it all worthwhile.

I’ve written before about needing to muster this effort to get back into the world, and I’ve come to the determination that in a sense I need to be more selfish to achieve that goal. I can’t have this weight, this severely troubled person, no matter how much I love him, I just can’t deal with him… my heart is too heavy when he’s on my mind.

I have too many of these damned invisible walls of my own to break through. It’s terrifying, but I need to do it.

My last redesign had some issues, and while this isn’t terribly different it fixes some of those… I was also just getting very sick of seeing that blurry image and the orange everywhere… it was getting to feel a bit too “halloweenish” overall.

I whined away a while ago about having to renew the SSL certificate… finally got my refund from the Comodo bastards, and found that ev1 were selling certs for $25. I basically filed that away and decided to just wait until closer to when the SSL cert actually expired… since I wasn’t renewing I didn’t want to lose the time. Since I have six more days I figured I would just take care of it today since I was organizing tons of stuff it seemed fitting. I go back to ev1 and find that they’ve DOUBLED the price! ARGH! It’s stll not as bad as the atrocious $119 that Geotrust wants me to pay directly, but it still sucks that I could have gotten it for $25 if I would have just bought the damn thing when I found out about it.

I’m immensely tired, I guess that’s because I woke up at 5:30? heh… I’ve been doing a lot of stuff that requires physical motivation too, so that doesn’t help. I lamented to JayPea about how I’ve been cleaning all morning and it doesn’t look like I’ve done anything. I really should never let my office get into such a horrid state of messiness, but when one is working on so many various projects it just tends to happen… to me.

After about a week where we lacked a kitchen due to the tiling process (it was inhibited by the weather) we finally moved everything back into place yesterday, it was so very nice to be able to actually cook food at home and eat it in the warm state it was meant to be eaten! :D The tile floor does look very nice and mum is extremely happy with it. No longer do we need to deal with those horrid sticky-back vinyl tiles, oh how I hate those!

We had to remove all of my alcohol from the cabinet in order to move it, and geeez, it was still insanely heavy without it! Since it didn’t make a whole lot of sense to put it back into the cabinet I went ahead and moved it to the shelving I’d setup downstairs in my “lounge” area. Here’s a photo of how I have it all arranged at the moment. I did get a pair of acrylic ’stemware hangers’ or whatever you’d call them… unfortunately the hangers are a bit close to hold the ‘rated’ number of glasses — those damned martini glasses are very wide of course. ;) Anyway, I need to organize the bottles a bit better so that one doesn’t need to move around half of them to get to the most commonly used stuff — granted I’ve not made a drink since Matthew was here months ago anyway — just stuck mostly with wine… or rather, ended up wasting mostly wine, damn that short (after opening) shelf life!

I did get a nice pair of greenish/blue martini glasses yesterday afternoon while down in Hagerstown, yay for imported crap at Pier 1. ;0 They’re not in the photo because I still need to wash them, but they are nice. :)

Hmm, yeah, uhhh… not all that much really going on otherwise, I was very tired yesterday because I woke up only about three hours after going to bed. Since I sort of wanted to get back onto a ‘normal’ schedule I decided to just stay up, but then of course by about 19:00 I just couldn’t stay awake any longer. Keeping with that very early bedtime I woke up around 5:30 wide awake… and very much wanting boy-boy action, lol.

Apart from the little bit of shopping yesterday, mum bought me a french press (that’s a coffee maker, if you didn’t know) for x-mess… It’s by Bodum and coordinates with my tea press & other related implements. It’s not that I used that sort of stuff often, but it’s still nice to have — brings a whole new level of class to something simple like that. I also bought a four set of chopsticks… another one of those ‘just nice to have’ sorts of things.

Oh, and how can I forget… 17 cents times two for a new set of o-rings for my tunnels– I really should have bought a few more, but… I figure I can always go get more the next time they decide to pop off during ‘rough handling’ (mwahaha). The bonus is that I was able to get exactly the right size… whereas before they were just a hair, literally, too big and thus that’s why they came off so easily. Of course, wouldn’t you have guessed, during the night one of the tunnels popped out the OTHER way, i.e., the flared portion went through the lobe… gah! Not only is that painful enough to wake me up, but a total pain in the ‘ear’ so to speak.

I also decided to do something about the noise of the router’s cpu fan this morning. I really didn’t feel like shopping for another new fan, so instead I dropped the voltage going to it quite substantially by rewiring a molex connector so that the 12v wires were actually the 5v wires. Amazingly enough the fan still runs with only 5 volts, and the nice side effect is that it is much less noisy. As I mentioned in previous posts, I’m not even sure that it needs a fan, but anyway, it’s definitely better now from a noise standpoint.

As I’ve written before I’ve been meaning to go and visit JayPea at work for a while now, but I never found the nerve to do it… until lastnight/this morning.

He’d, hmm… become a bit disgruntled earlier in the week because I haven’t yet come to see him, so I made the decision to finally just go, avoiding all of my reservations about it.

See, it’s a bit of illogical reverse logic stuff I guess. Given that we had some sort of mutual attraction thing happening it just put me into a mode where I wanted to hold back. I don’t really know how to explain it properly, but I guess in the most simple terms the idea was just scary… on some levels because I knew I’d be reminded of a lot of things )good experiences remind of other past good experiences, but because of that the experience itself is depressing) or otherwise just wouldn’t know how to deal with it.

I finally saw the movie Crash earlier this week and the scene where the doctor and James were at the airport really sparked an emotional reaction; the first time I ever kissed Davey was in the car at the airport. It was similar to how I felt when I went to BWI to pick up Ken this past summer … sort of like pushing away an invisible wall, but periodically just banging your head into it instead.

In a way, watching that movie and sort of dealing with how I felt about that scene prepared me for seeing JayPea. I’m not implying that the scene I refer to resembles reality, err… at least not to the full extent, but it definitely has a lot of parallels.

I scored my highest on Bejeweled tonight on my Tungsten, heh, irony perhaps, but that was in the course of time where I was waiting for JayPea to finish up with various work related duties. We drove around for a while with a friend of his, all the while silently wishing for him to vanish, heh. Not because I disliked the friend, but because I just had the most enormous urge to kiss JayPea… along the lines of being practically the only thing on my mind. That may not seem too unusual, but for me it is… I usually have a million things flying through my mind on totally unrelated topics.

After dropping off the friend we continued to drive around for quite a while, we kept asking each other what we should do, but I wasn’t really about to say ’stop the car and make out’ …heh, though it was tempting. It became abundantly clear that any move to be made would be up to me… oh how I hate that! I never trust my instincts, I always feel like I’m probably misreading the situation… even though in reality I generally read any given situaton the right way.

Needless to say I acheived that immediate goal, if you could call it such, and a hell of a lot more. I did lose an o-ring from one of my (ear) tunnels, d’oh! That always seems to happen, lol… I was definitely more reserved than I expected myself to be… though, in a way, it’s understandable from my point of view…

He reminds me of all the good things, things that I especially liked, about …hmm… everyone. I knew that already, in a sense, but it became ‘proof’ tonight… That’s another one of the reasons I was really hesitant to actually meet him — because I knew that I would instantly like him… and sure enough I do.

A very big part of me really doesn’t want to feel that way about anyone… again… but it’s just kind of one of those necessities in life. Oh well, I really don’t feel like thinking about it anymore this morning; simple facts are though that I really do like him, I’m very glad I went to see him, and I plan on repeating/picking up where we left off soon. I just need to remember to pee BEFORE going on long and windy trips on country roads, hah…. nothing so horrible as needing to take a piss overriding every other thought after a while.

I do wish that he’d be downstairs waiting for me right now… it’d be a very comfortable warmth.