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I can be, at times, too intense for people… particularly as they get to know me and I start to soften or lower the walls that surround the intricate details of my life.

I find myself bored, unmotivated, and rather lonely. I drew out a painting that I might do, depending on my motivation level… I just don’t know.

Really, my core depression is still at work, it just can be easily hidden amongst the happiness that I’ve had lately, of course without that constant stimulus, well, it pokes through, particularly when I’m unable to do what I want to do, whatever that may be.

I make these emotional attachments so easily, and I find myself questioning the wisdom of such… but, I think that’s what life is really about when it all boils down.

So, I’m sitting here, after several Smirnoff Citrus Twist & Tonics… and I miss people… several people really.

I miss Cole, the Cole he used to be… and I miss davey, and the future we would have had together had he not totally flaked on me… and Jake, I don’t really know why, but there was always something about him that just drew me toward him… I guess maybe I loved him… or still do? There’s just so much that was never resolved, so much that was so close to happening that never happened… and, I don’t know… I want to talk to him.

Adam… hmm… I still wish that I could have given him what he asked for that one night… I guess I should leave it at that… but… he’s like an entire chapter in my book of life… that spills out onto several other chapters at the same time. I remember him and me trying to figure out a way to work out seeing each other right before Stephen flew in… it was back when we had this mutual passion for each other… I just miss him, I wish we could talk and see each other like we used to.

Mostly though, I sit here… and I’m thinking of Patrick and just how awesome it is to be with him… I feel respected and appreciated, and, while I can’t say that’s particularly a new thing, it still feels… new, it feels good, and… I don’t know… I rather wish he were here right now.

I’m also thinking of Jon & Sam… somehow they seem to get lumped together in my mind… I guess it’s the friendship that… could easily be so much more so if fate and circumstances were different. Sam… he’s someone I’ve known for so many years, and it’s like I’ve watched him grow up into this great guy… and, while I’m not really sure when it happened, I developed these feelings for him that could only be described as love, but I always held back, I’d flirt, he’d flirt… but there’s a certain safety in distance. I remember asking him when his birthday was back around my birthday, because I just want to spend it with him. There’s a certain beauty about him… it draws me in… I find myself constantly wishing that he’d be closer, so that we’d actually be able to spend time with one another. I found myself wanting to ‘take him out’ a while ago… maybe I quietly fell in love with him why I wasn’t paying attention… someone safe, that I didn’t particularly need to worry about anything ever really happening if only because of distance. Still, when I experience great joy, I find myself wishing that he could experience it too. I think, basically, deep down, I want to make him happy. Then there was that one night, when he blurted out that he loves me… and… in a way I felt this massive relief… I guess, because I’d been wanting for so long to tell him that I care for him that much, that he’s special to me… things just grow… they develop, and sometimes they blossom.

And Jon… there’s something… without description. I asked myself, rather subconsciously my regret question.. and that one night, I found my lips pressed against his… and it felt…. there was something, something amazing there… something that defies explanation in words, I don’t really know exactly… it felt right, it felt like what love feels like, even though I knew intellectually it was not such.

So, I miss these people… Patrick, Jon, & Sam… I saw Jon a week ago, Patrick only a few days ago, and Sam… I’ve never had the pleasure of actually meeting him yet.

I don’t know when I’ll see Jon again, and the cynical side of me says ‘if I ever do’ ….but I want to, he’s just good company, even if he tends to be overly quiet… I know he’s thinking and would share if he felt comfortable enough… and I guess I want that time to eventually arrive. Foolish me for growing attached so quickly, but that’s my way… I’m either on or off most of the time, and, well… he found my button and pushed it. Likewise… I so very much look forward to seeing Patrick tomorrow night… that man makes me happy in ways that I’ve always wanted… ways I know I’ve made other people happy, but they’ve never quite been able to return for whatever reason. I feel like he’s healing me… It’s goodness.

I must go, because I think I’m about to do something incredibly insane… one for the record… the adventures of Indigo Meridian.

Lastnight Sam mentioned his prom and wanting to take a guy and his options, etc… and just sort of randomly I was like “ooooh! take me!” not exactly serious, but not exactly jokingly either. I never went to the prom with a guy, only took this girl that I wasn’t even dating to my jr Prom, just because… I never bothered with the senior prom, mostly because the jr prom experience was so dumb, it was this heterosexual right of passage that just didn’t seem to fit with me in any way. The idea of going to Sam’s prom was somehow appealing in more than just the totally crazy sort of way, and, really, getting to St. Louis for the weekend isn’t difficult, , so it was kind of like, well… if he doesn’t find a proper guy to go with, I’d go with him, why not? It’d be wild… and, well, a lot of other more delicately lovely things.

So, the other thing that has me actually a little concerned, is well… I’m talking to Jon lastnight, because I really wanted to hang out tonight and he blurts out rather matter of factly that he’s going to be looking for places tonight because he’s moving to London. Now, we’d briefly talked about that when he was here and had one of those ‘aww’ moments where we ‘decided’ to move to London together.

I looked into ‘defecting’ quite a few times and, realistically, it’s a hell of a lot harder to leave the country than one may imagine. There are very few countries that will accept US Citizens moving there, period or without all sorts of documentation and being sponsored. There are even fewer countries that will acknowlege dual-citizenship, with most requiring one to choose upon turning 18 if a US Citizen happened to be born abroad.

In my rampant way of immediately planning out a future, upon spending time with him I thought he’d be fabulous to move away with… to Pittsburgh, because there would be so many opportunities available to him as a graphic designer there for one thing, and, well… I don’t know, the whole idea is somewhat ludicrous, but when we were talking about moving lastnight, when I said ’someone fabulous to live with’ he was the person foremost on my mind. I can totally relate to the idea of being unhappy, bored, and wanting to get away, of course I now know that moving away doesn’t really solve anything that might be wrong… it changes the situation for certain, but one needs to find their own happiness, moving doesn’t guarantee it by any means.

I suppose one could surmise that I am concerned for him, which could seem a bit out of place too, but every now and then I meet someone, though quite rarely, that just manages to wedge themselves into my thoughts and heart in such a way that I start to care rather immediately. Then, I am rather deliberate in the Thoreau sense about who I actually talk with or meet too, if I don’t see something very much worthwhile I don’t generally bother at all. There just seems, and I’ve felt this from moment one, that something isn’t quite right, there’s something going on under the surface, with some of the things he’s asked me bolstering that idea; just reinforces the fact that I feel we just need to treat people better.

Oh well, it looks like I’m going to be spending tonight here by myself, heh, not that it’s a catastrophy, but I was looking forward to seeing him and I guess his reasoning for being busy doesn’t exactly sit too well with me, it makes me antsy; I’d venture to say in rather a similar way as my mentioning moving back to Pittsburgh would prompt Patrick to be a bit antsy about it too.

After buying the fabulous lighter and remembering how awful it was to sweep snow & scrape ice off a car was, well, I needed to work on a bit more style again. I woke up with a mission: Leather gloves & a scarf, if nothing else. After primping I ventured off to Hagerstown to the Outlets, I figured out of all of those stores I should be able to find something worthwhile.

I stopped at Wilson’s, figuring since they’re a leather store I’d be able to find a decent pair of gloves… Ha! Everything they had was crap, total and utter crap. I stopped up at Banana Republic, a bit leary of Matthew being there, thankfully I didn’t see him, otherwise, well, there would have been a scene with much bitch slapping. I did find a decent scarf, pair of fabric gloves and a little hat. The scarf is actually very nice, but I still wanted leather gloves so I went just about everywhere. I really would have thought that Brook’s Brothers would have had good gloves, but they only had the same shit that Wilson’s had… only three times more expensive. Finally, after being quite near the point of giving up, I stopped at the London Fog store… with only a bit of hope left I found near perfect gloves. Finally leather that was stiched properly! They were lined with this sort of gray furry material, but I could live with that. So, yay, mission accomplished!

I also received in the mail, out of one of the magazines we get, a 20% off coupon for BB&B, so I decided I would just go ahead and get my Sango dinnerware I’d been wanting too. Now I have a fullset, plus the espresso cups and onion soup bowls, not much else needs to be purchased apart from other random completer pieces. I also picked up this Yankee Candle (boo-hiss) potpourri, it’s rather amazing; apparently Patrick’s company prints the labels, hehe.

Since no trip to that area of town would be complete without a stop at Pier1 I also bought a tin of Asian Spice incense, shrugging off the fact that it is the kind that Davey likes, a leaf shaped burning tray, and a candle snuffer.

Needless to say, I had a rather successful little trip of it. I’m totally styling now, haha.

Saturday after an absolutely ludicrous amount of ‘primping’ I ventured off to Patrick’s in Harrisburg using the Festiva. The goal was to ‘look sharp’ and of course I did my best, hah… I did realize somewhat too late that my pants were rather on the overly large side, apparently they were mislabeled or I had some sort of blow to the head while purchasing them, considering they were basically two sizes too large! I still love the pants though so I’m considering altering them so they actually fit properly, imagine that. We picked up his friend Angie on the way to the party, she’s quite amazing. The party ‘thing’ itself was interesting too, I kept thinking I was glad I knew about about printing, otherwise I’d probably have been rather lost in the conversation.

Patrick was dressed so swank, I felt rather underdressed compared to him and Angie, lol… This is him next to this amazing fireplace at the hotel, of course. Of course, as compared to some of the people there, well, I wasn’t so concerned about being underdressed, lol. :-)

There was this ’straight bar’ in the hotel where the party was at to which we migrated to after the main festivities were concluded… it was so hilarious how this one guy was totally wasted, dancing around… sadly. At this point I’d only had one cosmo during the party, so I was quite the sober boy compared to most, heh, which made the drunken people all the more hilarious. Later on we headed to The Cobblestone where I proceeded to have two Long Islands to make up for my lack of drinking beforehand, heh… I still didn’t feel anything though, oh well. I have this general rule about not drinking when it could ‘make a scene’ anyway, lol… of course it takes A LOT of alcohol for me to appear intoxicated.

Due to lateness, and, well, mostly because I wanted to, I stayed up in Harrisburg Saturday night, which was nice as predicated. Sunday morning it was, err, well, Sunday afternoon we sort of doddled around a bit, went to Best Buy, Target, and BB&B (where I FINALLY found the warmer that’ll work with my tea & coffee presses!!!). When it came about time for me to leave the woman called and told me the snow was already laying on the roads and somewhat urged me to spend another night, which of course I didn’t mind at all, more Patrick! ;) I started into his music collection, which is vast and awesome, basically having an mp3 ripping extravaganza, whoo! We had a spectacular night, ahem. The next morning, err, afternoon of course, well, honestly I can’t really remember what we did, lol. The snow had not abated in the slightest, he called off work, and we just hung out, being trapped, the term being relative, in the apartment together. I spent a third night, which was again, spectacular. It’s truly amazing how the two of us, both Scorpios (which I didn’t realize until the weekend), both so easy to annoy to incredible levels, could find nothing about one another between Saturday and Tuesday morning bothering.

It was really nice to just be able to spend so much time together without much of any outside distraction, because we got to spend a great amount of time just getting to know each other. I did my work as usual, and, of course, as usual, Monday’s work load was ridiculous…. and I did have a phone call from Cole, which ended up with me getting quite… ehhh… agitated, so in a way Patrick got to see me being my special kind of articulate pissy. I really want to take a 2×4 to that kid’s head sometimes! I also exchanged a couple emails with Jon, which was just nice. At least he’s better at replying to emails than most people, heh.

The only bad thing about the weekend was that I had only the clothing that I was wearing… I *almost* packed a change of clothes, but figured since I’d at ‘most’ be spending a single night it wouldn’t be a big deal, hahaha… I’m glad I took my overnight ‘kit’ though, and, well, I had my iBook, thereafter five gigs heavier, and all my other technology.

I did take several amazing photos of Patrick Monday night, he’d wanted some ‘nice’ photos of his tattoos, and well, we worked from there. That one is definitely my favourite, the beginning of a smirk, the colour, lighting, and, well… everything, it’s just perfect.

I ‘finally’ …not that I was relieved to leave of course, left Tuesday afternoon. The trip home was still a bit terrifying, though not overly so. The over & underpasses were sheets of ice, ack! Since I knew I’d probably be stuck at home considering the state of the roadways, I decided to stop at the Pipe Shoppe, figured at least I could get a decent pack of cigs… Nat Sherman Mint, yum! I also picked up a Colibri Quantum Talon lighter, with an indigo blue butane chamber, it’s so awesome! Yay, I finally have a lighter worth using with my Colibri case and of course the occasionally pretensious Djarum Blacks I tend to often smoke.

It was decidedly odd to sleep alone… it’s always weird to go from sharing a bed with someone to not, and apparently this is a mutual weird feeling. The weekend felt like an awakening. I’ve been feeling thus far this month, this year, an awakeness I’d not felt in a very long time, at least all of last year, and it’s just nice, that’s really the only way I can describe it.