Finality.
Maybe tonight Cole finally had the realization that I’ve wanted him gone for quite a while now. It sounds cold, and he’s dead on when he says I’m a cold bitch, but I never have and still have absolutely no room within my life for drug addicted tossers. I love him quite intensely, and really, he’s one of my ‘oldest’ friends, but there always comes a time where it becomes impossible to sit and watch the disaster that someone creates of their life. Maybe he is getting it back together, but if I’m going to come to a conclusion from all of his past actions, it probably wouldn’t be too long until everything starts to fall apart again. He thrives on the drama, enjoys the mess that he willingly creates, doesn’t see that all this shit has definite consequences and impacts the future so negatively. No matter how much one thinks they have it together, when they’re a drug addict, it’s only a matter of time before things go straight to hell all over again. I say this because I have seen it, many, many, many times. I’ve seen the lives of my friends destroyed because they thought they were handling things just fine, but in reality they were making devastating choices that wouldn’t fully actualize until much later, far after it was too late. I know this firsthand too, it’s why I’m in the situation I’m in now, but I’ve recovered, I know better now, for lack of any other way to put it. And while my situation isn’t resultant of drug abuse, the end results are pretty similar.
You see, I really tried to help him, I’ve gone so far out of my way ‘as a friend’ …to the point where I really needed to haggle with the woman about it. Last summer he came to the conclusion that he wanted to improve things, to change for the better. I gave him my support, I bought him a train ticket to come down here, supported him for approximately a month. I thought he was doing well, of course shortly upon returning he dove back into same shit. I went out there for a couple days at the end of July and saw firsthand… and made the mistake of smoking up with him. Mistake being that he then considered that my implicit consent to devour pot… disregarding the idea of ‘vacation’ and the concepts of ‘time & place’ completely. To exemplify my idea of time & place, I’d not touched the stuff until a few days ago between then and now. I have to admit, it took me a little bit of time to realize why this kid was still ‘broke’ when he was supposedly making so much money, why he wasn’t taking care of the things that he’d said he would… I’m sure you can figure out why.
I found myself needing someone back in the Autumn, and in the same tone, I found myself abandoned by him; quite telling after the summer. Gone was he when I remembered the dissolution between davey and me, gone was he for another of my birthdays, gone was he upon remembering the death of my Father. The year after is just as difficult, if not more so, and one needs a friend especially during that time.
He says I’m bitter. Bitter I’m not, though I am cynical with good reason. In his stupor, or perhaps it’s just a case of his lacking education, he says I have ‘none’ which I believe to mean that I have ‘no one’ — of course that’s patently untrue. I’m not bitter that he’s supposedly happy, quite the opposite, but in fact I know he isn’t happy whatsoever, he just deludes himself into thinking he is through alcohol and drugs. He goes off on how he isn’t stupid, though people think he is, that he knows what people are thinking. He just thinks he does, because if he knew we’d never have been having the conversation. He would have respected my wishes of the Autumn, where I told him, essentially, that I was done caring. More appropriately me saying that I was done caring was more a reflection of my lack of desire to make additional effort, because I finally came to the final realization that there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him and that all of my efforts previously were wasted.
I suppose in a final effort to regain control he decided that things were done with, which I found not only hilarious, but really quite sad, in that he’s always so oblivious to the reality. I’m sorry, but I just don’t care to know about the minor he’s fucking or the illegal substances he’s consuming, if that makes me a bad friend or not a friend, that’s the situation, can’t change it, don’t particularly want to either.
I say these things, not because I dislike him, but because I just cannot bear to watch any longer.