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Maybe tonight Cole finally had the realization that I’ve wanted him gone for quite a while now. It sounds cold, and he’s dead on when he says I’m a cold bitch, but I never have and still have absolutely no room within my life for drug addicted tossers. I love him quite intensely, and really, he’s one of my ‘oldest’ friends, but there always comes a time where it becomes impossible to sit and watch the disaster that someone creates of their life. Maybe he is getting it back together, but if I’m going to come to a conclusion from all of his past actions, it probably wouldn’t be too long until everything starts to fall apart again. He thrives on the drama, enjoys the mess that he willingly creates, doesn’t see that all this shit has definite consequences and impacts the future so negatively. No matter how much one thinks they have it together, when they’re a drug addict, it’s only a matter of time before things go straight to hell all over again. I say this because I have seen it, many, many, many times. I’ve seen the lives of my friends destroyed because they thought they were handling things just fine, but in reality they were making devastating choices that wouldn’t fully actualize until much later, far after it was too late. I know this firsthand too, it’s why I’m in the situation I’m in now, but I’ve recovered, I know better now, for lack of any other way to put it. And while my situation isn’t resultant of drug abuse, the end results are pretty similar.

You see, I really tried to help him, I’ve gone so far out of my way ‘as a friend’ …to the point where I really needed to haggle with the woman about it. Last summer he came to the conclusion that he wanted to improve things, to change for the better. I gave him my support, I bought him a train ticket to come down here, supported him for approximately a month. I thought he was doing well, of course shortly upon returning he dove back into same shit. I went out there for a couple days at the end of July and saw firsthand… and made the mistake of smoking up with him. Mistake being that he then considered that my implicit consent to devour pot… disregarding the idea of ‘vacation’ and the concepts of ‘time & place’ completely. To exemplify my idea of time & place, I’d not touched the stuff until a few days ago between then and now. I have to admit, it took me a little bit of time to realize why this kid was still ‘broke’ when he was supposedly making so much money, why he wasn’t taking care of the things that he’d said he would… I’m sure you can figure out why.

I found myself needing someone back in the Autumn, and in the same tone, I found myself abandoned by him; quite telling after the summer. Gone was he when I remembered the dissolution between davey and me, gone was he for another of my birthdays, gone was he upon remembering the death of my Father. The year after is just as difficult, if not more so, and one needs a friend especially during that time.

He says I’m bitter. Bitter I’m not, though I am cynical with good reason. In his stupor, or perhaps it’s just a case of his lacking education, he says I have ‘none’ which I believe to mean that I have ‘no one’ — of course that’s patently untrue. I’m not bitter that he’s supposedly happy, quite the opposite, but in fact I know he isn’t happy whatsoever, he just deludes himself into thinking he is through alcohol and drugs. He goes off on how he isn’t stupid, though people think he is, that he knows what people are thinking. He just thinks he does, because if he knew we’d never have been having the conversation. He would have respected my wishes of the Autumn, where I told him, essentially, that I was done caring. More appropriately me saying that I was done caring was more a reflection of my lack of desire to make additional effort, because I finally came to the final realization that there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him and that all of my efforts previously were wasted.

I suppose in a final effort to regain control he decided that things were done with, which I found not only hilarious, but really quite sad, in that he’s always so oblivious to the reality. I’m sorry, but I just don’t care to know about the minor he’s fucking or the illegal substances he’s consuming, if that makes me a bad friend or not a friend, that’s the situation, can’t change it, don’t particularly want to either.

I say these things, not because I dislike him, but because I just cannot bear to watch any longer.

Patrick spent Friday evening here after work, with a quick stop at Denny’s together, heh. It’s a little odd how I tend to avoid that place, but I’ve found myself there twice in January.

January and the week or two proceeding it has been quite an adventure, basically getting back into life, the nuances of how it all can break down and suck, but also how it can be so incredibly fulfilling. While I’m not quite what I’d call “pre-journal Indi” I’m getting there at a decent pace. Basically the next big step is having my own transportation, which is on the way, slowly. I basically have the financial factors lined up, just need to find the right car that fits in with everything else.

Patrick bought me the Michael Graves notebook case I’d oogled while at Target with him during our snowbound weekend, heh, that was quite unexpected and appreciated; moreso though his card contained a poem for me. While I have, literally, written a book of poems for others, I don’t recall ever having anyone write one for me specifically. The card itself was quite pleasantly clever too, an x-ray guy asking what’s new… and inside asking about why the reader didn’t mention the x-ray vision. ;) Anyway, it’s very sweet and I very much like it. In a way it’s a bit like “awwww, yay!” in terms of my reactions.

I’m really glad that he has the … will, to bring up things that concern him, even if I need to yank it out of him a little, for example while at Denny’s. Communication between people has always been an incredibly important thing for me, and, well, so many times it doesn’t really work out all that well because the other party is, for whatever reason, less than open about whatever it is that has prompted the concern. I can be just as guilty of that though and I can think of a situation right now where I’m not asking the questions that I want to ask, just because I don’t know if it’s me and my concern that builds from history and cynicism or if the situation is real. It’s just not quite the time for that sort of vocalized uncertainty, I guess… in the situation that I’m referring to. None the less, like I said, I’m really glad that Patrick and I can talk about stuff like that, make sure that we’re on the same page and, really, just reassure each other. We’re basically both still a little raw from these relationships where things weren’t quite the way they perhaps ought to have been and I think it really helps to allow us the comfort we need.

I just know that I’m comfortable with him, comfortable in the way I’d rather always wanted… There is not one moment that I can recall where I felt hesitation or doubt, at least not the kind I tend to feel with other people. He just makes me happy, and really, I think that’s the best compliment I can give these days.

I tend to quickly plan out things, futures, with people, before there would necessarily be a justification for doing that, which is generally sort of on the ‘err’ side, because in a way it can build up expectations that may never be met, but none the less I do it, I think it’s all part of determining how I’d like any particular person to fit into my life ultimately, at least in the rough draft manner. I’ve not ever really met anyone else that does that, and actually would admit to it, until Patrick, and it’s actually amazingly comforting to find out that he did the same thing as I did… which puts all the more reason behind his concern about me just up and moving off. It’s all about circumstances, if I have something good going I really don’t see much cause to drop that in the hopes of something else good, because that’d be, to me, quite stupid. My reasoning for moving to Pittsburgh was to increase the likelihood of happiness, but I’ve somehow managed to find it right here… or basically within a 100 mile radius.

So I met this guy Thursday night, we’d talked a bit online and, well, it was one of those things where someone else introduced two people and rather in ‘Human Traffic’ sense we just talk whenever we run into each other in that crazy virtual world.

So here’s the skinny, Cole meets this guy online, introduced him to me, I come to find out whenever he arrives that we actually already knew each other because we’d worked together previous at Citibank! So very weird how that all works out… roughly five years later and what feels like lifetimes between.

I did find myself overdoing it a bit Thursday night, the several sessions of calling god on the white phone would attest to that, my phone conversation with Patrick sometime around 3AM would also attest to the fact that I was incredibly wasted.

Though I do drink occasionally, mostly socially these days, I never quite allow myself to get the point of being actually drunk, so I really think it’d been since the Summer when Cole was here that I had been drunk, haha… among other things that need not be mentioned really… though I’ve found that such a combination is less than ideal. Vodka & Tonic sure does creep up slowly… whoa.