Unsettling.
Sometimes, or perhaps I should say more often than not, I get the feeling that someone is interested in me less for me and more for what I can do for them. I try to shrug it off, blaming it on cynical paranoia, trying to still view people as showing their honest intentions.
There’s only been one time where a single person completely fulfilled me, and then, considering the situation, I was still very lonely and I believe that I was deluding myself fairly the entire time. I suppose it can be summed up by stating that if one believes their own lie strongly enough it becomes their truth. Learning from that situation with Davey, I know that post-poned happiness and hope for the future isn’t good enough because too much of the now is wasted.
A little before 2AM my phone rang, waking me up. I had felt especially tired around 7PM and decided to take a nap, of course that nap became more like actual sleep. I woke up for a quickish conversation with Patrick around 9PM and immediately fell back asleep. This phone call around 2AM was from Jon, somewhat frantic, making the second phone call from him today (referring to Friday), with the first also being him asking for a favor, one that I couldn’t oblige for a multitude of reasons, the second was a bit more possible.
I mentioned to Patrick this afternoon how I sometimes want to shake Jon’s head and see if anything rattles out of his ears, mostly in response to that first phone call. Now, after talking to him and thinking about the little pieces of information I have, well, I really want to shake him to see if anything rattles out.
Firstly, I’m realizing just how ambiguous he’s been with me regarding a number of things, in particular his friend Eddie and this trip of his to Texas… which apparently is also to Mexico (at least that’s my impression). It’s that feeling where I feel like I’ve been lied to, but technically I wasn’t, though the lack of details creates essentially a lie of omission and I’m less than pleased about it.
So, he calls, frantic as I mentioned, sounding incredibly relieved as he mentions how glad he is that I actually answered the phone. Indeed, I’m not usually one to answer the phone for very strange phone numbers in the middle of the night, but knowing that someone I consider a friend of mine was travelling I guess I answered it without much thought. He was ’stuck’ at the airport in Dallas/Ft. Worth… saying that he didn’t have time to explain what was happening or had happened and that he needed me to check his email to get Eddie’s voicemail number. I did get the impression that ‘everything had gone to hell’ though, it just didn’t seem like a good situation at all. My head is a bit on the spin cycle at that moment, because I discovered today during the first phone call that he was in Texas with Ryan… [which itself is nothing, except that he never mentioned that when he made sort of a 'deal' out of telling me he was going... ] the guy that for practical purposes I could consider his boyfriend, but with him being at the airport that seemed to indicate that something had gone wrong, but maybe not. Checking his email for him I see that it seems a side trip to Mexico to see Eddie was planned, this all leaves me terribly confused. It’s kind of how I find myself somewhat coming to his rescue without knowing what is going on, because he failed to mention the plans, which in itself isn’t a problem, but considering how I have become involved on a cursory level, it really bothers me.
This is kind of like something that Patrick & I were talking about Thursday night when I went to visit him. There are sometimes a lot of little details that on their own don’t particularly mean much either way, but when combined they tend to form a negative sort of impression of the overall situation. A lot of times it’s pretty easy to chalk that all up to cynical paranoia, but sometimes it’s not so easy to overcome that feeling. With Jon, there are a lot of little things that have been piling up… none of them worth even really thinking about, but after that phone call this morning and being able to put more things together, well, it is worth thinking about now and I find myself very unsettled.
Since I’ve felt a little cast off, and have had that feeling that I’m being kept around for what I can do for him… and as I told Patrick, the way he doesn’t talk about certain things (who he spends time with, in particular Ryan) and the way he reacts to other things (like when Patrick called me when I was with him)… well, I started feeling like I was being “back-burnered” in the sense of, well, I don’t even know if I can explain it. There’s always some sort of ‘usually pleasant’ awkwardness when spending time with him, sort of like discovering where that blurry line happens to be, always within the realm of what would be considered ‘boyfriend safe’ though. I have to admit to a similar feeling, at least sometimes, where it feels like I’m taking him out, and while those moments aren’t technically dates given the situation, sometime in the future they could be looked back on as such. Anyway, the whole point being, given that I’m not feeling particularly respected by him and our time together is usually more geared to what I can do for him… even if it is mostly pleasant overall, I found myself thinking and trying to decide if I wanted to just say to hell with it, or if I wanted to have some sort of conversation to air out how I’ve been feeling given the recent situations.
I just don’t know… I really like him, in the sense that there’s something about him that really just fits somehow, but there’s a lot, too, that makes me uncomfortable. Maybe he’s just not mature enough to be the friend that I want to have… There needs to be a lot more openness, communication, and I need to spend more time with him, otherwise it’s not really worth it, because, I guess, what I’m getting isn’t what I signed up for exactly. I need a bit more stability… I’m worried for and about him… I care for him and he’s quite important to me. I know the shit I got into when I was 20 becoming 21… small town boys, breaking out, the havoc we cause ourselves has very permanent impact.