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Toward the end of January, when I was ’stuck’ in Harrisburg with Patrick, I had this phone conversation with Cole that ended up more like me yelling at him… I think I wrote about the Finality of the situation back on the 2nd of February quite concisely.

It didn’t take too terribly long for him to change his mind about wanting me in his life. Within two weeks he paged me asking me to please read an email that he’d just sent, and I did… in a sense it begged reply, but it also warranted none. The “problem” is that while he says things have changed, I’ve been through that with him far too often and I simply don’t believe it. My feelings about wanting him, basically to be gone, haven’t changed because of that. I never replied to the email. I had intended, originally, to get in touch with him and attempt to have a real discussion about the state of things between us… to clarify and maybe work things out, but the more I thought about it, the more futile it all seemed. I still meant to do something about it, because the general tone harkens back to the silence Davey had given me for so long. I detest that I find myself doing something that had been so painful for me to endure, but… if I really think about it, the situation is different. It’s not for lack of trying on my part, it’s the fact that he simply won’t ever listen, I’ve given up, I’ve done all I can do and just can’t keep doing it for naught.

The other night my phone rang… I was sleeping or napping at the time. The caller ID said that it was a ‘private number’ and I tend to not answer those, but again in my state of semi-consciousness I answered it anyway. It was Cole… I knew by his second word, when he said my name, and the desire to hang up on him was simply too strong to overcome, and I did, without really thinking about it. The second moment I sat here in disbelief, because I thought, what if he really needed me? I just hung up on him… I guess I used my distaste of his behaviour, in terms of how he’s supposedly so good at taking care of himself, to justify not really worrying about it.

So, here I am, thinking about that situation, part of me wants to do something, but I think the stronger faction insists on inaction instead. I guess it comes down to the ‘if you aren’t willing to help yourself, then I can’t help you either’ mentality. I love him… but it has really come to the point where I can’t stand him. It isn’t some sort of game… I guess my two little situations/relationships where I’m not satisfied lately have to do with the same general problem which I feel can pretty easily be boiled down to disrespect. The worst thing that can be done to rub me wrongly is abandoning me until I’m needed for something. The second thing, which is often quite related, is the lessening of intensity of a relationship… for no apparent reason. I want people that will make time to spend time… more than want perhaps, that’s a necessity.

I do miss Cole, but, really, what incentive do I have to even attempt to fix that friendship? I get a couple of days with him once or at most twice a year…. they’re usually filled with him being cold on some level and rendering the experience ultimately disappointing from an emotional standpoint. If I really want to put a fine point on it, he’s mastered the ability to string me along based on my hopes for the future, and quite frankly I’ve had enough of that.