Six Hours Past Midnight.
Sunday morning, while rather delerious from exhaustion, rather soundly sleeping at Patrick’s, I heard this unusual beeping and vibrating. I wasn’t quite able to put together what that sound was and once it ended I abandoned the pursuit of determining what it was. I heard it again, about ten minutes later, and I realized, finally, that it was my phone.
The beeping and vibrating turned out to be two pages from Cole. He urgently needed to talk to me, needed a friend, was begging me to talk with him.
Right now I have ‘enough on my plate’ and don’t really need anything else to worry about… but if I had been home, hadn’t just fallen asleep after a night out at a party where I drank vodka like it was water, hadn’t been out to the bars and such… and wasn’t deleriously tired, I probably would have actually made an effort to talk with him; as it stands I was barely awake enough to read the text messages, not awake enough to really comprehend anything. It was, also, six AM when these messages came in. I know I was still awake around 5:30… having been ‘engaged’ between 3ish and that time I finally succumbed to sleep.
This inaction on my part and the curiousity of what he needed so badly has been weighing heavily on my mind, along with my desire to have a rather lengthy and complete conversation with Jon… lingering memories, and some other fuzziness that has occured lately. Complication seems to be growing rather rapidly and I find myself moving much further away from any level of comfortable contentment. There are just a lot of choices that need to be made, conversations that really need to happen so that this uneasiness can air out and hopefully be resolved. As I wrote recently, there’s a part of me that really wants to get everything worked out, but also a considerably powerful component of utter apathy and the consequential desire to just let things go anyway.