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Sunday morning, while rather delerious from exhaustion, rather soundly sleeping at Patrick’s, I heard this unusual beeping and vibrating. I wasn’t quite able to put together what that sound was and once it ended I abandoned the pursuit of determining what it was. I heard it again, about ten minutes later, and I realized, finally, that it was my phone.

The beeping and vibrating turned out to be two pages from Cole. He urgently needed to talk to me, needed a friend, was begging me to talk with him.

Right now I have ‘enough on my plate’ and don’t really need anything else to worry about… but if I had been home, hadn’t just fallen asleep after a night out at a party where I drank vodka like it was water, hadn’t been out to the bars and such… and wasn’t deleriously tired, I probably would have actually made an effort to talk with him; as it stands I was barely awake enough to read the text messages, not awake enough to really comprehend anything. It was, also, six AM when these messages came in. I know I was still awake around 5:30… having been ‘engaged’ between 3ish and that time I finally succumbed to sleep.

This inaction on my part and the curiousity of what he needed so badly has been weighing heavily on my mind, along with my desire to have a rather lengthy and complete conversation with Jon… lingering memories, and some other fuzziness that has occured lately. Complication seems to be growing rather rapidly and I find myself moving much further away from any level of comfortable contentment. There are just a lot of choices that need to be made, conversations that really need to happen so that this uneasiness can air out and hopefully be resolved. As I wrote recently, there’s a part of me that really wants to get everything worked out, but also a considerably powerful component of utter apathy and the consequential desire to just let things go anyway.

Toward the end of January, when I was ’stuck’ in Harrisburg with Patrick, I had this phone conversation with Cole that ended up more like me yelling at him… I think I wrote about the Finality of the situation back on the 2nd of February quite concisely.

It didn’t take too terribly long for him to change his mind about wanting me in his life. Within two weeks he paged me asking me to please read an email that he’d just sent, and I did… in a sense it begged reply, but it also warranted none. The “problem” is that while he says things have changed, I’ve been through that with him far too often and I simply don’t believe it. My feelings about wanting him, basically to be gone, haven’t changed because of that. I never replied to the email. I had intended, originally, to get in touch with him and attempt to have a real discussion about the state of things between us… to clarify and maybe work things out, but the more I thought about it, the more futile it all seemed. I still meant to do something about it, because the general tone harkens back to the silence Davey had given me for so long. I detest that I find myself doing something that had been so painful for me to endure, but… if I really think about it, the situation is different. It’s not for lack of trying on my part, it’s the fact that he simply won’t ever listen, I’ve given up, I’ve done all I can do and just can’t keep doing it for naught.

The other night my phone rang… I was sleeping or napping at the time. The caller ID said that it was a ‘private number’ and I tend to not answer those, but again in my state of semi-consciousness I answered it anyway. It was Cole… I knew by his second word, when he said my name, and the desire to hang up on him was simply too strong to overcome, and I did, without really thinking about it. The second moment I sat here in disbelief, because I thought, what if he really needed me? I just hung up on him… I guess I used my distaste of his behaviour, in terms of how he’s supposedly so good at taking care of himself, to justify not really worrying about it.

So, here I am, thinking about that situation, part of me wants to do something, but I think the stronger faction insists on inaction instead. I guess it comes down to the ‘if you aren’t willing to help yourself, then I can’t help you either’ mentality. I love him… but it has really come to the point where I can’t stand him. It isn’t some sort of game… I guess my two little situations/relationships where I’m not satisfied lately have to do with the same general problem which I feel can pretty easily be boiled down to disrespect. The worst thing that can be done to rub me wrongly is abandoning me until I’m needed for something. The second thing, which is often quite related, is the lessening of intensity of a relationship… for no apparent reason. I want people that will make time to spend time… more than want perhaps, that’s a necessity.

I do miss Cole, but, really, what incentive do I have to even attempt to fix that friendship? I get a couple of days with him once or at most twice a year…. they’re usually filled with him being cold on some level and rendering the experience ultimately disappointing from an emotional standpoint. If I really want to put a fine point on it, he’s mastered the ability to string me along based on my hopes for the future, and quite frankly I’ve had enough of that.

Sometimes, or perhaps I should say more often than not, I get the feeling that someone is interested in me less for me and more for what I can do for them. I try to shrug it off, blaming it on cynical paranoia, trying to still view people as showing their honest intentions.

There’s only been one time where a single person completely fulfilled me, and then, considering the situation, I was still very lonely and I believe that I was deluding myself fairly the entire time. I suppose it can be summed up by stating that if one believes their own lie strongly enough it becomes their truth. Learning from that situation with Davey, I know that post-poned happiness and hope for the future isn’t good enough because too much of the now is wasted.

A little before 2AM my phone rang, waking me up. I had felt especially tired around 7PM and decided to take a nap, of course that nap became more like actual sleep. I woke up for a quickish conversation with Patrick around 9PM and immediately fell back asleep. This phone call around 2AM was from Jon, somewhat frantic, making the second phone call from him today (referring to Friday), with the first also being him asking for a favor, one that I couldn’t oblige for a multitude of reasons, the second was a bit more possible.

I mentioned to Patrick this afternoon how I sometimes want to shake Jon’s head and see if anything rattles out of his ears, mostly in response to that first phone call. Now, after talking to him and thinking about the little pieces of information I have, well, I really want to shake him to see if anything rattles out.

Firstly, I’m realizing just how ambiguous he’s been with me regarding a number of things, in particular his friend Eddie and this trip of his to Texas… which apparently is also to Mexico (at least that’s my impression). It’s that feeling where I feel like I’ve been lied to, but technically I wasn’t, though the lack of details creates essentially a lie of omission and I’m less than pleased about it.

So, he calls, frantic as I mentioned, sounding incredibly relieved as he mentions how glad he is that I actually answered the phone. Indeed, I’m not usually one to answer the phone for very strange phone numbers in the middle of the night, but knowing that someone I consider a friend of mine was travelling I guess I answered it without much thought. He was ’stuck’ at the airport in Dallas/Ft. Worth… saying that he didn’t have time to explain what was happening or had happened and that he needed me to check his email to get Eddie’s voicemail number. I did get the impression that ‘everything had gone to hell’ though, it just didn’t seem like a good situation at all. My head is a bit on the spin cycle at that moment, because I discovered today during the first phone call that he was in Texas with Ryan… [which itself is nothing, except that he never mentioned that when he made sort of a 'deal' out of telling me he was going... ] the guy that for practical purposes I could consider his boyfriend, but with him being at the airport that seemed to indicate that something had gone wrong, but maybe not. Checking his email for him I see that it seems a side trip to Mexico to see Eddie was planned, this all leaves me terribly confused. It’s kind of how I find myself somewhat coming to his rescue without knowing what is going on, because he failed to mention the plans, which in itself isn’t a problem, but considering how I have become involved on a cursory level, it really bothers me.

This is kind of like something that Patrick & I were talking about Thursday night when I went to visit him. There are sometimes a lot of little details that on their own don’t particularly mean much either way, but when combined they tend to form a negative sort of impression of the overall situation. A lot of times it’s pretty easy to chalk that all up to cynical paranoia, but sometimes it’s not so easy to overcome that feeling. With Jon, there are a lot of little things that have been piling up… none of them worth even really thinking about, but after that phone call this morning and being able to put more things together, well, it is worth thinking about now and I find myself very unsettled.

Since I’ve felt a little cast off, and have had that feeling that I’m being kept around for what I can do for him… and as I told Patrick, the way he doesn’t talk about certain things (who he spends time with, in particular Ryan) and the way he reacts to other things (like when Patrick called me when I was with him)… well, I started feeling like I was being “back-burnered” in the sense of, well, I don’t even know if I can explain it. There’s always some sort of ‘usually pleasant’ awkwardness when spending time with him, sort of like discovering where that blurry line happens to be, always within the realm of what would be considered ‘boyfriend safe’ though. I have to admit to a similar feeling, at least sometimes, where it feels like I’m taking him out, and while those moments aren’t technically dates given the situation, sometime in the future they could be looked back on as such. Anyway, the whole point being, given that I’m not feeling particularly respected by him and our time together is usually more geared to what I can do for him… even if it is mostly pleasant overall, I found myself thinking and trying to decide if I wanted to just say to hell with it, or if I wanted to have some sort of conversation to air out how I’ve been feeling given the recent situations.

I just don’t know… I really like him, in the sense that there’s something about him that really just fits somehow, but there’s a lot, too, that makes me uncomfortable. Maybe he’s just not mature enough to be the friend that I want to have… There needs to be a lot more openness, communication, and I need to spend more time with him, otherwise it’s not really worth it, because, I guess, what I’m getting isn’t what I signed up for exactly. I need a bit more stability… I’m worried for and about him… I care for him and he’s quite important to me. I know the shit I got into when I was 20 becoming 21… small town boys, breaking out, the havoc we cause ourselves has very permanent impact.