Confused Anyway.
My cellphone cover arrived today, it’s definitely cute & tacky… in that odd sort of good way I guess, much better than the metallic poop coloured cover that the phone came with originally. I’m slowly learning how to use the “form over function” keypad, heh, it was such a bitch to be doing text messages with originally. I’m only slightly annoyed with the fact I don’t have a way of inserting premade smiley faces though.
Under the sarcastic “nice that you made room for me in your schedule” title, erm… I don’t know, I’m feeling a little left out, but the irony is that I don’t want to spend all that much time with this particular guy anyway, just because I don’t get a very good feeling about him anymore. I guess perhaps it’s a situation where the feelings don’t match up mutually in the way they should, I just don’t like it. I don’t understand it, I’m confused. I’ve kept my tongue bitten during most conversations, whenever they do rarely happen, but I’m sure one of these days he’ll say something that makes it a bit more difficult to keep quiet. I think that day is coming soon too, judging from what I found myself wanting to say earlier tonight. I think the biggest problem is that I do like him and do, really, want to spend time with him, but the situation is just not anywhere near ideal and I haven’t any idea of how to change it either.
I was thinking, and made mention of it, the other night while Patrick was here, about how I wanted to go to Indiana… of course that means visiting Adam. I’ve been quite remiss about keeping up communication with him, just like with everyone; basically if you don’t get in touch with me I don’t bother, it’s kind of a bad habit in a sense, but it’s also sort of one of those things… if they wanted to talk to me they’d do something, right? It gets nullified because that too works both ways.
I guess it all comes down to disappointment in general. While I tend not to put too much stock into anyone I meet, there are ocassionally people that just kind of instantly mean more than the usual person, especially if things develop in one way or another toward the direction of being more than strangers… and then you sort of learn they aren’t really who you’d expected, perhaps even hoped, they were… it seems to happen too often. With that in mind, I tend to consider myself to be a fairly cynical person… even if that isn’t terribly true, but given so much, I could see myself growing to be even more cynical just because there are so many things to become disappointed with, particularly people, heh.
I look at some of the lives around me and I wonder about them, in the sense of how dismayed I am. There’s someone who jumps from one ‘get rich quick’ sort of scheming job to the next, nothing honest about the work they do in the slightest… it always ends up with them being in some sort of financial or legal trouble, but it just keeps happening anyway. Then there’s one who is basically prostituting himself to the medical world to gain income, which I cannot understand, but then again it seems to be his general way of living too, while he may not be getting paid for sex directly, he seems to profit from people he spends time with in one way or another, be that transporation, dinner, housing, anything he finds himself needing. It fits in well with the general tone I get from him regarding ‘why’ he wants to spend time with me when he does… he needs me to do something for him. There is almost always an ulterior motive involved in one way or another. I realize it and put up with it to an extent, but I think it’s wearing on me heavily…
I don’t see much in terms of worthwhile truth or being anymore.